Scared and Shaking

If you could have had a window into the hospital this room you have seen me scared and shaking. Pacing the floors feeling like my hands were tied behind my back and helpless. Moments where I was crying. Me hovering over Kinsley's bedside not knowing what to do. If you could have had a window looking into our room you would have seen my husband feeling just as helpless, but strong. Strong for me. Strong for our baby girl. Holding it together when I am sure he probably would have liked to let it go. We were helpless. We sat for what seemed like hours and hours waiting for our baby girl to respond.

Kinsley had an MRI this morning. Our day started at 6am. We left our house expecting to go to the hospital, get the MRI, and come home. We were expecting that we would get home around 11am if not before that. We did not prepare ourselves for what we were about to experience this very day. We were not ready. We were not prepared. Already tired from not sleeping the greatest last night and from being up early this morning my body could not handle what was going to happen.

Once at the hospital it took a while to be called back. Once in the back we met our nurse who was super nice. She told us all about what medicines they were going to give Kinsley and what each would do. Then she went on to explain the IV and the contrast that needed to be put in the IV. She asked if we felt comfortable. "Sure" I thought to myself. I am as comfortable as I can be with what you are about to do to my sweet baby girl. So I signed the paper that said they may do the procedure. It was supposed to be easy, simple, no big deal. Once the IV in we had the hard part done with or so we thought. I was not prepared. I was not ready for what was to come.

They wheeled my sleeping daughter to the back where the MRI was to take place. Kelly and I went to find some breakfast at the cafeteria. No big deal right? We just needed to get some food and then shortly after we got back we would see our baby, wake her up, and then head home. We got our food and brought it back to Kinsley's room. There we waited. We waited in the small confined walls that made her room. The longer we waited the smaller the room felt. The longer we waited the more I panicked. The MRI was taking longer then they had originally planned. I am still not sure if this is good or bad. The longer we waited the more I feared the worst. I still was not prepared for what would be happening next. I was still not ready to feel the impact of the coming events on my heart.

Kinsley finally arrived! She was back where she belonged with her mommy and daddy. The nurse had said she should wake up within a few minutes, we could feed her, and then head home. Five minutes passed and the nurse took the oxygen off of her nose. That would help her wake the nurse thought. She thought pulling the tape that held the oxygen in place would wake her. No such luck and within minutes of taking off the oxygen her oxygen saturation started dropping. My heart starts sinking. They stick the oxygen back in her nose and continue to let her rest. I start to feel at ease again. I tell myself its okay, but have a little more reservation now. I can not get my hopes so high. I will still be in good cheer though. I pace, stand over the bed, sit, text, and pace some more. Ten minutes pass. They try again. The nurse starts taking the tape off the IV sight hoping to stir Kinsley into an alert state. No such luck. They try to take the oxygen off. Numbers start dropping. My heart sinks even lower this time. Que pacing, freaking out, crying, and more. Que texting as fast as I can to muster as many prayers as I can for our sweet baby. My hands were tied. Nothing I could do would help my sweet girl. Rest and putting the oxygen got here back to where she needed to be. I start to feel better. This time less better than the time before. Still feeling guarded as to what is happening. This was not what they told me. This is not what I expected. I was scared. I was sad. This went on for an hour.

Finally my baby girl woke up! I will never love her sweet eyes more then I did the moment I saw them after this scary morning. Oh and that sweet, sweet smile when she heard her daddy's voice. I was not prepared for this mornings events, but that, that right there was priceless. It made all my fears float away. I knew that now I wasn't helpless. I knew now that I could do something. I could hold onto my baby for dear life. Because she had a rough time with they anesthesia we need to watch her closely through the night. I am okay with that. I may not get any sleep due to worrying about her, but it will be worth it to know that she made it through the night with no further issues.

If I would have had a window looking in I think I would have saw a panicked mommy and daddy. I would have saw them surrounded by lots and lots of people. All of those that said a prayer today would have been holding this mommy and daddy up. Keeping them from falling to the ground. If I had a window looking in on our days events I think I would have seen a father far bigger then my husband or I holding our sweet baby girl. Her heavenly father was carrying her through. He woke her in his time. Your prayers carried Kelly and I through. I could feel them. From the bottom of my heart "Thank you" to each one of you that prayed for us this morning. Weather you knew of the difficultly we were having or not, thank you.

Please pray for peace throughout the night. That I may come to terms with what happened this morning. That I may not worry myself sick over what could happen in the middle of the night. Please pray that I get some sleep. Please pray that we find peace the rest of the week also whiile we wait for the results.