It will be a sleepless night. I am wide awake and worried to no end. I am full of What ifs. I am sad that my baby has to go through all of these tests. I am sad my baby has no vision. I feel all these emotions all over again. I am angry. Angry that she is going to have a life full of challenges when I have lived one that has been fairly easy. I am to cry. I want to snuggle her all night long. I want to hold her until I can not hold her any longer. I want to hold her till they take her from my arms to bring her to do the test. My brain just will not shut off
What if something is seriously wrong like a tumor or other mass?
What if someone doesn't look at the test fast enough?
What if something is wrong with more then just her vision?
What if it was something I did in my pregnancy like not eat enough protein or drink enough water?
What if it was something that I didn't do like take my prenatal vitamin every day?
What if, What if, What if?
Questions of what if don't change the way life is. I know in my heart of heart that the what ifs just make things worse. It just makes this worry worse. It just makes my heart sad. What ifs don't stop her from being our baby girl. They don't stop her from being perfect just the way she is. The what ifs don't mean that her vision will change.
God made her in HIS image. He gave her to our family for a reason. He knew I would be a good mommy. He knew Kelly would be a good daddy. He knew that her siblings would be perfect for her. I was told by my sister in law the other day that some of my qualities that most people would find negative are actually positive when it comes to being Kinsley's mom. I am strong willed, loud, and stubborn. These qualities will help me advocate exactly what I need to advocate for Kinsley.
I know that I shouldn't be down on myself. I need to gain the self esteem and self confidence that I am the perfect mom for Kinsley. I need to kick out the what ifs. They need to be evicted from my brain. Most importantly they need to be evicted from my heart. The more space they take in my heart the less space I have for what is important.
What if Kinsley becomes an actress?
What if Kinsley becomes Ms. America?
What if Kinsley becomes a famous Artist?
If any of those happens I will be a proud Momma. If any of those things happen I know that Kinsley will have tried her best in all of life. I will be her biggest Cheerleader. Mommy and Daddy will be there to support her every hour of every day.
So while tonight might be a sleepless night while thinking about the MRI tomorrow morning I will be trying my best to remind myself that Kinsley is the perfect daughter for this Mommy and I am the perfect Mommy for Kinsley.
Please pray for peace. For comfort. Please pray for the nurses and techs that will be administering the IV, anesthesia, and the MRI itself. Please pray for Kelly and I as we have to hand over our baby girl while she has this procedure done. Please lift us up in prayer during the week also while we wait for results.
No comments:
Post a Comment