Emotional

Life has been emotional at the very least of things. I have been going through a lot of internal struggles, but I have also been going through some struggles that are not so internal. It has been hard for me to compose my thoughts into a cohesive blog post. Heck it has been hard for me to compose my thoughts straight enough to get my point across to any one. It sucks. My family has been dealing with them the best we can. My husband and I have had many late night talks trying to decide what is the best for our family. We have been praying that the Lord set us on the right path. We have been asking if there are things we need to change. It is hard. Its never any fun going through these times of discovery. Yes, discovery. I say that because I do feel like we are trying to rediscover who we are as a family unit, who we want to become, and what we want to accomplish in this life.

My biggest internal struggle has been Butterfly Girl. I still hurt deeply. Now that she is crawling it is even more evident that she doesn't see what she is crawling into. This has lead to her getting some bumps and bruises. This has led to her sometimes being afraid of us setting her down. I still sometimes get the feeling like I did something wrong. Like I am to blame. Although I know this is not true the devil tries hard to use it against me. I also hurt for what I feel like she is missing out on. I hurt that she is behind other babies her age. My Butterfly Girl is PERFECT, but my mommy heart hurts. I wouldn't trade her smile for anything in the world. Her bright blue eyes draw me in every time. I just wish when I looked into those eyes I felt like she was looking back, like she was recognizing me. This road is hard! I have my moments where I am okay and then in an instant its gone.

I have been struggling with sending our oldest children to school this fall. I think we finally have that issue solved and they will be home schooled once again. It was a tough call. It was prayed about, talked about, prayed about some more. Up until this past weekend they were going to our local school this fall. The reason for them attending public school this fall was because Butterfly Girl needs so much therapy that I wasn't sure that I could devote the time needed to schooling them as they needed. After a lot of prayer my husband and I decided that we can do ANYTHING if it is God's will and by his strength and glory our children will get what they need right here at home. It is all about balance, something I am learning day by day.

Weighing heavy on my heart are decisions I am to emotional to make. Ones of friendship, loss, and brokenness. If I follow my heart my head gets angry. If I follow my head my heart gets angry. My husband and I need to continue to pray that these things are resolved, that we get through, that we make the best choices for our family. We can do all things through Christ who strengths us.

Emotions are sometimes like a bee sting, hurting us for a moment. Emotions are sometimes like chocolate sweetening this life we live. Emotions the Rocky Mountains or the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. They can be the rolling plains or the flat valleys. Two things I am very happy about when it comes to emotions is that no matter if I am experiencing those Rocky Mountain Highs or those Atlantic Ocean lows I have my Jesus who will never leave me and I have my best friend, the love of my life, father of my children, and whole world right next to me!

Problems with the blog

I have been having some issues with the blog the past week or so. It is giving me all sorts of error codes and giving me lots of problems with tags, posting, and letting me spell check. It seems my problems which have lead to lack of posting are keeping my readers from reading. I promise you I am working on fixing the issues. I am also reading a book to help me more effectively blog and liven it up around here.

I started this blog with the intention of keeping everyone up to date on Butterfly Girl's diagnosis and how she is doing in this difficult life that has been given to her. I want you to all know how we are handling it as her parents, siblings, and other family. I want you to all know how upside down our lives have been turned and how we are conquering blindness.

Part of this includes letting you know about life in general. Our family. Our beliefs. Our strive to be the best parents we can be in this daily life. To be the best business owners we can be. To be the best team we can be. We will kick blindness in the butt! We will fight to the end to give our baby girl the best life possible.

I want you all to be a part of this. I want you to know how are you pray for us. I want you to know how we are doing. Your prayers and support have been amazing! I can truly feel them. I am doing my best to fix the blog issues that I have been experiencing and getting you back up to date on what is happening in the world of CVI and how we are over coming! 

Missing

I have been missing. Yes I will admit I haven't blogged in a while. I decided to go to Wyoming *the state* to see my sister. I came home with my nephew. It was a good trip. I was there for a little less then a week.

I have had a saying this week that goes "Balance is Key" I have also said that my key is missing. I am not sure that I will ever find it back. Being a Christian, a wife, a mom, a homemaker, and a business women there is no balance. If I am working on being  a wife I feel like every thing else is getting forgotten about. If I am working on being a better Christian, my family, business, and house get forgot about. I am having a great deal of trouble trying to find balance.

Is there ever a balance to life? Will I ever feel like if I am working on one thing nothing else is being "forgotten"? I am not so sure. I can always try to achieve balance, but I may not ever be happy. So I need to find a new balance. A balance that requires me to be okay with the fact that I may never find the balance I wish to achieve. This for my OCD self is HARD.

I am also having a bit of sadness over missing one year of my children's schooling. We home school. That is what we do at this house, but once we had Butterfly Girl and we were told about her diagnosis we decided this year needed to be different. You see Butterfly Girl needs to have 4 hours of therapy a week. We need to be intense about helping her meet her one year milestones in an appropriate amount of time which will require me doing home therapy on top of the times the therapists are here. Therefore after much discussion with my Husband we decided that it would be best for the oldest two to go to public school this fall. It makes me sad. I am having extreme anxiety over the fact that I will be missing a very important year in their education.

One thing I am NOT missing is my faith in the Lord. I know that with all I feel like I am missing right now he has got me. He will carry me on forever and ever. He will fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit to accomplish all these things. He will provide a peace to my very unbalanced life!