Ups and downs.

This crazy life I live is full of ups and downs. Not only can my sweet baby girl not see she is sick. She is having breathing difficulties. She also has an ear infection. I feel so bad for her. All she has done all day is cry or whine. Nothing makes her feel better. I wish I could take her pain away. I wish I could make her see. I wish I could take all of her sickness away! I went from having a fabulous vacation which was high on happy emotions to another very low point. I am remembering my book. It's all about choices. I need to choose the high road. I sat down and did the dreaded budget. This is one thing my husband and I never agree on and it as o different tonight. The planner in me wants to have all the numbers crunched and if they don't match up I want to have a plan to make up the differnence. He on the ther hand says just lay the bills when they come in. Doing the budget makes me depressed. I hate trying to figure out finances because it never seems like there is enough! So low. So sad. So down. A friend asked today "What one thing are you thankful for today?" It brought emotions I wasn't expecting. I am thankful that I have sight. I am thankful that Kinsley isn't as sick as she could be. I am thankful for doctors who know what they are doing. I am thankful for a new job brought to my husband by my savior! I posted a comment about this job landing in my husbands lap even though he wasn't looking for a new job. Someone gently reminded me that it didn't just land in his lap. My God gave it to him. He knew what we were going to go through and knew he would need a new job. I love this job already. He came home in such a good mood this morning. It's so amazing how the environment of a work place can affect one so much. It was awesome to hear a out his day. So happy. Soaring about all emotions. Smiling ear to ear. We also bought a new car. This brings happiness and stress. We bought it used and whi,e it is truly the best fit for our family and was an awesome deal, we will need to have a few things fixed. This is an up and down feeling. The hills of the roller coaster called life. One dag at a time. My Lord is carrying me through this life. I am going to continue to be positive. I am going to continue to choose to not give up. I am going to keep living in the word of my God. I am going to continue to find strength in him. He will rise above all else. He will be the one I praise even when feeling down. He will reign. Please continue to pray for us. Please pray that Kinsley feels better soon. Pray that emotions here get back on track. Pleas pray that we continue to make our focus to the Lord who saves us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. I think God tells all of you when we need a few extras because I can feel them during some of my saddest moments during the day. I then feel at peace.

This crazy life I live

Our vacation was AMAZING! The time my husband and I were able to spend alone was much needed and some would say deserved. We went to the Mall of America and Ikea. It was fantastic! So much shopping was done. My husband and I held hands, walk around, and enjoyed each others company. We ate full dinners and had uninteruptted conversations. It was a piece of heaven. Part of me feels guilty for feeling that way, but it was much needed. Him and I are now on the same page again emotionally, physically, and as far as parenting goes. It's amazing! We both feel so renewed, so refreshed. Once home we were greeted by three coughing children. Ah this is life. Never a dull moment in our house. The colds are making their way around our family. The first question asked at our house was "What did you bring home for me?" they loved their presents. Our boy got Legos. We bought him a camper set. Our family loves camping! He was in heaven. He also liked that daddy filled a Lego extra box just for him. Our oldest received the new lego friends collect which she loved! Later after she went onto my room without my knowledge she found the American Girl doll that we had bought for her. So of course she had to have it opened. I was planning on saving it for her birthday. Our other monkey got a monkey shirt and an American itty bitty doll. Kinsley got clothes, rattles, and a kitty that her daddy picked out. It shakes and laughs. The coolest part is that I think she likes it the best. After we were home for a bit we noticed Kinsleys slight cough took a turn for the worst. She started breathing really bad, she was becoming lathrgetic, and I could see her ribs every time she took a breath. Kelly and I asked his parents to come babysit and took her to the emergency room as fast as we could. Once there I have never seen so many doctors in a room so fast. They got my baby hooked up to all the right cords and did all the right tests. She was stablished and was able to come home. I cried! Kinsley makes life such a roller coaster. She makes life harder then I ever wished. I love him more then anything in the world, just as I love my other children. She makes me emotional. Her poor little life is aways a fight for something. It makes me sad. I do have to tell you though tht I fell in love with my husband. This weekend he reminded me of how amazing he thought I was, but tonight was better. There is nothing more attractive and appealing to me the. Watching my husband be concerned, compassionate and sweet to our sick little girl. Watching him be a daddy is the best thing in the world. He is truly an amazing man. Please continue to pray for our family. Pray that Kinsley feels better soon and that we don't end up back in the hospital. Pray formKelly as he starts his new job tomorrow! We are all excited a out this new chance that arose. Thank you thank you for your prayers.

God's got me... Right?

I first need to say sorry for the lack of update. Over the past two days I have hit an all time low on this journey. I finally felt like everything in life was gaining up on me and I was being swallowed hole. I was kicking and screaming and despite the fight I was still sinking. In fact I think I was making it worse! Over the past week so many things have gone worse then I expected. My van broke down, we had trouble with our electric, one of our other children has been acting out, and we are still trying to grieve Kinsley's vision. I figured out where I went wrong. I gave up. I just gave up. Life was to painful grieving the lost of Kinsleys sight and the more that went wrong the more I just wanted to give up. Our kids have noticed this and have begun acting out because mommy doesn't care. Mommy just wants to sit and feel sad. This in turn makes me more sad and angry. My husband has noticed my extra moodiness also. This is not like me. I'm the strong one! I never fall under pressure. I am do not shed a tear for fear it will make me look weak or vulnerable. How could I be letting this happen to me! Today I cried out God! God where are you? Why am I here. Why am I at the deepest point in this life? Why do I need to be the one you selected for this journey? I can't be strong any more Lord! I am to weak for this burden. Please, please take some from me. After I had finished praying I took out my book and card I had received. To very huge blessings that are still blessing me. I started reading my book. There it was, staring at me on the pages of this book. The answer to my prayer. The Lord said "Child it is all about choices! You need to choose not to give up, you need to choose how you are going to focus this new energy, and you need to choose me." The book I am reading is called Parents of Children with Disabilities a Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers by Press and Gena Barnhill. Reading the chapter in the book called now what I was reminded that I need to make choices. I can choose to give up, to walk away, to try to avoid this new path, but it will come with a price. It will hurt my husband, children, and me. If I give up my husband and my children will eventually move on and not be as hurt, but they will move on without me. I don't want this to happen! I want to be there for my children, all of them, especially Kinsley. I can also choose to invest my time solely into my child with disabilities, but this also comes with a price. My marriage and other children will suffer. Kinsley will suffer from me doing to much for her. I need to find the balance. I need to find the perfect balance between my husband, myself, my other children, and Kinsley. Will it be easy? Will I find the answer to this balance right away? Of course not! It will be trial and error. It will take patience and forgiveness. From reading this same chapter I also gained the knowledge that things change. People change, kids will change as they get older, the dreams and hopes will change. We need to make the choice to change with life. I was so gently reminded that while I am sitting here grieving all that Kinsley might not be able to do she will still have dreams! She will have dreams for her life just lime you and I have dreams for our life. Her dreams may or may not be the same. I needed that. I needed to be told that she won't just sit and lead a non productive life. She can thrive and succeed. This boom continues to be a blessing! I am enjoying it. It was the answer to my prayer this morning. This journey is really all about choices. How am I going to react to what we are dealing with? Am I going to give up? NO! My strength comes from the Lord creator of heaven and earth. I will choose to conquer this journey. I will choose to work hard at finding the balance in this life! A poem from this boom that has also hit a heart chord is titled Don't Quit Don't Quit! When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turn about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It see,s to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And be learned to late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out-- The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. ~Author Unknown This spoke volumes to my soul today. Im allowed to rest, take a break, recharge, but I can not give up! The race can be won. It could be right around the corner. If I give up now I might not know what the finish line looks like. Oh how God answers our prayers. I was also reminded today of the verse from Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." God knew my family was destin to be on this journey. I should feel honored he gave us this responsibility. He has a plan! I can't wait to see what it is. I know I will have bad days. I know I will feel like giving up again. I can then be reminded again that it is all about choices! Please continue to pray for our family. We had some issues come up with the insurance company. Our MRI is postponed. That was a big blow to the stomach. Our kids have gotten a little out of hand while mommy and daddy have been grieving. Please pray that we can get them back on track. Listening and obeying like they should. Pray that we find the balance we need to find for our marriage, our other children, and for Kinsley. It will be a process. Pray we find a ne vehicle quickly. Your prayers and support mean so much to our family. I would love to thank each of you individually. Please keep them coming. Thank you for letting me share our life with you. Even the tough stuff. Danyelle

Peace... To an extent

Peace is a hard thing to find on this journey the Lord as taken us down. It is full of what ifs and she wonts. It is full of why us and how can this be. I have managed to find peace to an extent. Don't get me wrong. At the beinning if this week my world was flipped upside down and shaken. I feel as someone took a thousand piece puzzle called life, shook the box, opened it up, and then dumped it on the floor. I'm working on finding the edges of this puzzle. Once I find the edges the rest will slowly fill in. Once I have these edges peace will be found. The edges of my puzzle are God, family, friends, prayers, answers, and good medical doctors. All the edges are in the pile they just need to be found. I need to find peace th my heavenly father. I need to know he choose this path for me and my family for a reason. I need to find all the pieces of his word that tell me he is carrying me through this. I need to trut that my family and friends will be there to support us. Be there when we call. Give us a shoulder to cry on our a ear to hear our pain. They are all in this pile. Finding the ones worthy of being an edge piece is tricky. They have to fit just right so I can find piece in this situation. Prayers. Prayers that I offer up to my father of my own, but also prayers that others offer on our behalf. Answers to my questions. What made Kinsley blind? How bad is it? As I find these answers and come to terms with what they truly are my edges will come together. Good medical doctors are a must. I need to trust the eye doctor and pediatrician to do what is right for Kinsley medically. These are the edges of my puzzle. These are the pieces that are still being found. I have hope. I have my God. After I have the boarder of my puzzle complete I can live life and fill in the picture. It will be a beautiful one at that. The picture on the box shows me a beautiful young girl that can do amazing and wonderful things. A young girl with a heart for God. A young girl who has no vision. Who is blind. The box shows me my daughter. MY daughter! Nothing will change that. I have found peace to an extent. I have been reading these words off a card my husband and I received in the mail. It reads: God holds our lives in His hands like precious stones, polishing each with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, of HIS promise, of HIS love. It brings peace to my heart. It also reminds me that once I'm out of this stage of picking up the peieces, of being polished, I will be shining for HIS purpose. He has a great plan for our family. I can feel it in my heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are far from being over our journey. We are still having good days and bad days. Please pray for us as we continue to explain to our older children about their sister. Please pray for Kinsley. May she grow up having peace in her heart and seeing the Lord even without her vision.

HOPE came in the form of Blessings

Today has been a rough day emotionally. I've cried for the majority of the day. Feeling isolated and alone. No o e knows what I am going through. I show people the strong, take charge, non emotional side of me. I smile and at God will bring us through this. I believe he will. He will bring us out on top for his glory. It doesn't change though that I am human and that I feel sad. No one I know is blind. I have no one to share this experience with on a personal level. No one I know is raising a child with no vision. Who am I supposed to get support and advice from? Who am I supposed to turn to when a new challenge arises? It's been a rough day. Kinsley didn't sleep well the previous night and the older kids were up at 6:30am fighting. Everyone started the day in a bad mood. It was only going to get worse. I couldn't wait till nap time. Kinsley screamed a blood curdling scream unless I was holding her. She slept no more then twenty minutes at a time. Myla was also more crabby then normal. Tears and lots of them happened today. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse or better for that matter I went to get the mail. The little girls were sleeping. The big kids were playing nice. It was time for me to get some fresh air, walk to the end of the driveway, and get the mail. In the mail I found two little blessings. I never would have guessed these things were coming in the mail. God knew though. He knew that today was the day that I would need those words of hope and encouragement. The first one I opened was a card from Kelly's aunt and uncle. It gave me a message of hope. It said that God holds our lives in his hands like a precious stone, polishing it with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, HIS promise, and HIS love. This is HOPE! This is what we will strive for. Even in our grief we want to be a reflection of God's purpose, promise, and love. I have put this card by my lamp next to my bed. These words will be my hope. God is just doing a work in our lives so that his Kingdom can shine. We may be kicking and screaming right now, but we will end up on the other side. It will be okay. Our other piece of hope came in the mail today also. This piece of hope was in an amazon box. I had to think about if I had ordered something or not. No I didn't think I did. If I had I didn't remember. Slowly I open the box seeing if I could jog my memory. I swear I didn't buy anything. Inside the box is a book and a note. The note stated that this person and church was thinking of my family and praying for us as e travel this road. The book was perfect. It is called Parenting Childre with Disablities: A Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers. I've read the first 2 chapters already and love it. I'm not alone. Other parents have experienced similar feelings when hearing their child has a disability. I am super excited to get to the chapter on how to make our marriage survive when have a special needs child. Kelly and I aren't having trouble, but making sure we are sticking together as one now will keep it that way. Our vacation coming up will help us renew our identity away from the kids and as a couple. This gift showed me people care about me and my family. People are praying for us. People are sharing words of hope to our family. For all of these people I am thankful. Please continue to pray for us. Pray that we can stay positive. Pray that we continue to make our family strong despite this set back. Pray that we stay strong in our faith and let the Lord carry us through. Oh and a funny. Kinsley was screaming in her swing (not funny part) and I needed to quick vacuum. So I let her fuss. Once I turned the vacuum on she stopped and was smiling away. The minute I turned off the vacuum she started again. So I did an exleriment. Sure enough she loves the vacuum. She thinks it's funny. Thank you for your continued support, grace, and love. Danyelle

When it Rains it Pours

Today has been a rough day. I woke up ten minutes late, rushed our oldest to school and went to the chiropractor. This wasn't overly tough. We were still due to be home at a decent time and I could start my busy day. I had a long list of things to do. Then the day took a turn for the worst. My can started over heating. Here I was stranded on the side if the road with three kids in the car. My 22 month didn't want to be sitting still. My four month old screaming because she was hungry. I called my husband at work. He to,d me to hang tight and he would be there soon with help to get us all home. Him and my mother in law arrived about 30 minutes later. The whole time I have crying children I am also stressing about my list of things not getting done due to this bump in the road. This was a glitch in my plan. I don't like glitches. Once home my mother in law asked if she can come inside and help. I couldn't refuse. This would get me back on track. She started with the one house duty I hate most, DISHES. I almost cried. To see all the dishes done was a huge weight left off my shoulders. While we clean the house my husband talks to the insurance company that we have free towing through. Sure enough we can get my car towed one for free. This is awesome! My day is starting to look better. It isn't turn around. My mother in law stayed with the kids while I went back to my van to meet the tow truck. It felt awesome! I am so thankful for her kindness. She sat and talked to me a while about Kinsley's diagnosis and she asked about different things she could do. I was excited to know that help is right down the road. She also talked about making Kinsley a blanket with different texture materials, which is awesome! I'm blessed to have them so close because they also brought me eggs because I was out. I was able to nap when the kids napped which is awesome! When nap time was done I felt so much better. I finished doing some things around the house and started supper. French toast was delicious. I turned off the griddle and pushed it to the back of the counter. Unfourtentatly it wasn't far back enough. My very nosy and curious twenty two month old climbed a stool and grabbed the griddle. Se wanted more french toast. Not badly burned, her finger tips are only a little red. No blisters. I out some burn cream and a bandage on. Her daddy looked at them when he got home and said he thinks they will be fine. There are no blisters or open skin. They are just a little red. It was nice her agreed that it wasn't bad. It felt however like my day couldn't get any worse. My van, blindness, burned fingers! Why me. Then I remembered the picture I wish I would have gotten on camera this morning. Loading the kids into the van I looked at one of our smaller trees along out drive way. Because of the warmer weather we had rain and we drops every where. This tree had perfectly formed water droplets. Not heavy enough to fall and still perfect. Its an image I still can't get out of my head. It was amazing. I just prayed right the and there that God would give me see sort of answer as to why this tree stood out to me today. I see it every day. Why is it so special today. My head first went to sadness. My baby will never see the beauty that tree gave me. She will never see those perfect water droplets. Then I realized I wasn't listening to the Lord's answer for showing me this tree. I was trying to answer the question myself. After listening to my father in heaven I got these answers. "Dany my daughter you saw beauty. You saw perfect despite the pain your heart is feeling. You feel like that water drop waiting to fall. I am the branch you are clung to. Santan is gravity trying to bring you down. Please don't let go of me daughter." I also felt like God was telling me that I can see Kinsley as that water droplet. She is perfect. She int "dirty" from mud or anything on the ground. She can't see what the evil of the world looks like. She can believe in her father God and cling to him because she doesn't have the world pushing her in other directions. The Lord is so kind to show these things that mental imagine wil be wit ,e for a long time to come. It was the perfect picture, I am still sad I didn't get it on camera. Please continue to pray. My days are still up and down about how I feel with the doctor telling me she is blind. Please pray for her. T hat the Lord heal heal her eyes if it is is will. Pray for Kelly and I as we continue t navigate through all these tests and therapies.

Love, love, love

Valentines day. Do I need to celebrate love and happiness? There is so much sadness in my life today. How can I possibly be happy and show love. Those were the thoughts that traveled through my mind first thing this morning. I needed to take these thoughts captive. I needed throw them out. Of course I need to celebrate love and happiness. I have kids, a husband, family, and friends. What isn't there to celebrate. With my new mindset I started the day. I got my energetic 5 year old ready for her very exciting valentines party. Got all the other kids ready and then headed out. Once home from dropping Ondrea off at school I had to make a choice. A. Sit on my butt all day and be sad. B. clean like a mad women and let the kids do whatever. Or C. Spend some time with the kids to keep my mind from bringing me to that sad place. So I played. I blew up some red balloons. I drew hearts on the, and wrote each of my childrens names. One on each balloon. We tossed them in the air, played catch, and then rubbed them on our heads to make our hair stand up. It was a blast! I'm so glad I chose to play. I don't want my kids to se me down or sad all the time because of Kinsley. I need to be strong. We had Parents as Teachers come out for an hour today to do some play activites with Kinsley. It was fun. They will continue to be a huge support for our family. It was now time for lunch. Then the kids went down for a nap. This is where my day went down hill. In the silence I sat. No one to talk to. No one to play with. Silence. My thoughts began to get worse. My thoughts turned against my choice to be positive. Why me Lord? Why me? I want my baby to see my face. I want her to see her own beauty. Lord why? Lord wake me up from this nightmare I am having. What did I do to make her this way? The thoughts kept coming. I was feeling worse. I sat. At in silence with my thoughts. I cried. This journey is hard. I need to walk it with the right light. And so I did. I opened my bible and there we Psalms 23. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. I dont HAVE to be afarid of this blindness. His rod and his staff they comfort me. These are comforting words. He knows I'm on this road. The Lord brought me to it, but he is not making me do it alone. Getting into his word every day, talking to friends and family, I am surrounded by love. God loves me. God loves Kinsley. I thought I would tell you all the reason why I love my husband and each of my children. Kelly - He is my rock. He provided for this family at all cost. He cares about his children. He loves teaching them new things. He is a great friend and even better husband. Ondrea - My first born. A special kind of love. Strong willed yet super sweet. Her love of music and dancing is beyond my knowledge. She has a heart of gold and a love for God that anyone would be jealous of. Parker - My only boy. A special kind of love also. Sweet and tender hearted. He loves all people all the time. He feels bad when people get hurt. He helps with dishes and with laundry. He will some day make a great husband, Myla - My tornado. Full of life and energy. She is funny. She loves to talk. She is so independent. She has the best snuggles, hugs, and kisses. I love her protection over her sister. Kinsley - I love the smile on this sweet baby girls face when she hears my voice. I love how she beams ear to war when she knows it is her momma talking to her. It makes me happy through all this sadness. Love! You never know when your world will turn upside so love! Love, love , love!

Tears, Prayers, and Hope

Today made our reality official. At 9:15am we went to the eye doctor. In the exam room i felt my body begi to fill with fear. My heart was in my stomach and mu hands were shaking. This was by far the hardest moment yet. Waiting. We got pulled from the waiting room rather promptly. We were in the exam room where the nurse began to do the initial testing of Kinsley's eyes. The nurse talked, charted, shined some lights, move some objects, and repeated. Hopeful to see some change in Kinsley's eye sight wage was just as disappointed as we were. As she got ready to leave she said the doctor will be with you shortly. we waited yet again. We waited for the official news that was going t change our life forever. Thirty long and painfully agonizing minuts lapsed. Finally we hear a knock,knock, knock. If my heart wasn't already in the lit of my stomach it was now. If my hands were not trembeling they were now. If I wasn't already trying to choke back tears I was now. The knock on the door meant there was no turning back. We were about to be faced with reality. In walks the doctor. She smiles. She shakes our hands and tells us how nice it is to see us. Then she asks the question we knew we would hear. "How are her glasses doing?" When we told her there has been no change you could see the worry come across her face. She knew what she was going to have to tell us. She then proceeded to test using all th same methods as the nurse. Kinsley once again failing all of them. The doctor kept watching. Watching in hopes that we may see one slight little hope that there is something there. Watching. Hoping. Then came the news. She startd by saying we would need to take Kinsley for an MRI. The MRI would show why she could not see. Not that it will fix anything, but we need to see where the damage is being done. Then she told us the news. Kinsley culd not see. She was blind. I held myself together. I could not let this doctor see that I was weak. I could not let her know she has just shattered my whole world. She took away hopes and dreams. I finished listening to her talk. Hopeful we would make it through this journey she said we didn't have to do it alone. She told is there are resources, support groups, and people available to help guide us through this uncharted waters. Again she remained hopeful. Hopeful that if Kelly and I surrounded ourselves with the right people we would survive. I'm not so sure. She liken this journey we are on to facing a fear. She said a person who hates public speaking tries to avoid it, but once they do it a few times it gets better. My the times they have done it a bit they actually enjoy it. She said on this journey we will hate the first few weeks or months. We will find them hard and want to try to avoid the truth, but after we have traveled this path a while it will become more tolerable. Tolerable enough to the point where we wil, enjoy the place this journey is taking us on. She shook our hands and left. Out in the parking lot I placed Kinsley in the van. I hugged my husband and cried. My world had been crushed. My world had been thrown of this picture perfect track. I needed his embrace. I needed to feel his warmth and comfort. He has been my rock of strength through this. He is my partner, my love, my support. He was holding me up when I wanted to just collapse to the ground. As Kelly went back to worm I headed back to my other children. They were at my brothers house. Once there I cried some more, not realizing how hard those words would be to hear. We knew it was a possibility. Why was I letting it get me so sad. I got some snuggles from my nephew. (seeing as my brothers kids loves Mario I will refer to his childre as Mario characters) My nephew Luigi snuggles. He is the sweetest boy. He loves Kinsley. And to say he loves Kinsley is an understatement. I got the pleasure of taking Luigi to school where he talked my ear off about the valentines party he was going to have. As I said good bye he played our special little game. He said "bye. I not love you Aunt Dany" and he giggled a sweet giggle. It brought tears and a smile to my face. As the day poured on more people were called, more people offered support and prayers. More tears were shed. More questions were asked and more dreams were grieved. It will take time to heal. I need to deal with reality. I need to grieve. I ended my day by going out for some drinks with my sister in law and a family friend. There they allowed me to share a piece of this pain I am carrying. There they were the best friends I could ask for. There I was able to talk about my pain or the weather. They let me be me. And the loved on my Kinsley! It was nice to they wanted to take the time to spend some time with me on o e of the hardest days of my life. It was nice of them to want to enter into the pain that I'm carrying. I feel as though they each took a piece of my pain with them. That makes my load a little lighter. I am thanking the Lord for these amazing women. They love God, the love Kinsley, and the love me. They touched my heart, sometims the pain of others lives is to much for us to want to enter into. They were not afraid. They entered. They entered with love and support. For that I am thankful. Support has been given today. Resources have been found for us so that in this time of grieving we dint have to do a ton of research. Prayers have been offered for us. Smiles have been given. Hugs have been given. Love has been given. By those things I will rest in peace tonight. Knowing my God loves me enough to carry me through this pain. P,ease continue to pray for my sweet baby girl, our family, and friends and we experience a journey like none we ever imagined we would face. Danyelle.

Angels Over Me.

It was a cold yet beautiful day here today. The sun was shining brightly. Sunday's T our house always start off the same. I get up bright and early to get all four kids up and ready for church. Kelly gets ready and does his thing. Off we go. Today we didn't have our normal pastor preaching. We had a seminary student preach. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am a creature of routine and if that gets messed with I'm not a happy camper. In the after math of it all am I glad that I listened to this man preach. Our message today was about being in community with one another. About taking the time to care for and do life with others. Sounds good right? We are missing something though. More times then not we rush and rush and don't take the time to actually do these thing. This is how Kelly and I have been feeling. We feel like some days we are walking this road alone. Some says we are succluded from the real world because the real world doesn't know how to handle the pain and suffering we are experiencing. This pastor in training brought up something that I have struggled with all week. As a nation we often stop to say "how is it going" to someone without wanting or having the time to listen to the answer. We invite a person to open up and quickly shut them down by looking for the next person to talk to or not really listening. I feel this way lately. I get angry when people ask me how I'm doing because I know they dint really want the truth. The would be satisfied with a fine, or even great. The truth is not that. We are struggling down a path we never thought we would have to travel. If you want to ask me how I'm doing then lets talk about the truth. I can't hide behind a "fine" or "great" forever. And not only did I feel like this message was telling others about how I felt deep inside but it was also reminding me that if I don't have time to hear what's on someone's heart I need to not ask how it's going. A simple "It's nice to see you" will do just fine. This message touched my heart in more ways then one. I felt like the Lord was saying Danyelle I hear you. I know this is what your experiencing. It brought tears to my eyes. The Lord was doing a work in my heart today. I believe I heard this message today because tomorrow we go back to the eye doctor. Tomorrow will determine our fate. Tomorrow will be the decision on wether or not my sweet baby girl can see. Many tears have been shed today. It's truly an emotional process. But I feel oddly at peace thanks to this message. I know I have a community of supporters lifting us up in prayer. I will be heading to bed peacefully tonight. Knowing the Lord holds me in his arms. Knowing that no matter what the doctor says tomorrow Kinsley is mine. More importantly Kinsley belongs to the Lord and he is holding her tight. Tears will continue to be shed and that's okay. They are tears of comfort knowing I won't be alone. Please pray for us at 9:15am that is when we will be in the doctors office. Please pray for peace and comfort as we walk this road.

Reminders

So today has been a busy day that has ended in me laying in bed with a tiny stomach bug. Yes, first we went to breakfast with baby and then had the dreaded taxes done! Shortly after coming home from that I felt my tummy start to churn. I'm feeling better after getting some fluids, some crackers, and lots of rest, but not ready to do to much yet. As I laid in bed today I thought about many things. How our world has changed. How much care Kinsley takes and will continue to take. Feelings of guilt ran through my head as my husband and I plan our mini vacation. My why us God thoughts came wandering back. The devil was attacking my heart and my head. The I remembered many things. Little reminders that others have told me. Reminders I have gotten from my bible. I am not doing this alone. Kinsley is still the same child she was a week ago, if I was okay going on vacation then I should still be okay going now. The Lord has plans for us! Kinsley doesn't know she's "different". The Lord is carrying me through my pain. I have prayers from many people. My God made Kinsley with a purpose! Kinsley was perfectly and wonderfully made. Did I mention I'm not walking this journey alone? I have been having some hard days. Kinsley is not an easy baby. She needs to be rocked, touched, or talked to in order to not be screaming. I have other kids to tend to. A husband who needs me. Dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and laundry to be done. It's a lot for one given person to accomplish. I do it because I am a mom and that's my job. It's hard to say I wouldn't change it for the world. Some days I would. Being the parent of a special needs child is going to be difficult. It will have its challenges, but it is my new life. I think all of the questions I ask myself, all of the what if's are normal. Who wouldn't question a "storm" in life? I have found great peace in my bible. I have found great peace in doing life with others. I have found peace in knowing many are praying for our family. Please continue your prayers. They are so comforting. Danyelle

Mixed emotions

Yesterday and today were very different. Yesterday I felt like my world was collapsing. Everything with Kinsley's sight makes it feel like the world is a horrible place. How can something so bad be happening to a sweet innocent child? I just don't understand. Before I went to bed I sat and ate my depression favorites, fudgesciles, and had a glass of wine. I ate four of them to be exact. I don't even feel guilty about that. I do however feel guilty about wanting to leave my sweet girl at the end of the month for our mini vacation. Today was okay emotion wise. Kinsley's smiles made me forget that she has problems with her vision. When she smiled all the problems of the world melted away. Today I am feeling as though I will conquer the world. I will show blindness whose boss. I will not let this get me down. This roller coaster ride I am on is making me tired. It is making me feel older then I am. I am living life by the moment. It is hard to plan for the future when you have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Your world can be turned upside down in mere minutes. Mine was. Mine has turned into a journey I never thought I would need to take. I wil come out stronger on the other side. I will meet people I would have never met. I will be the strength to another mom facing these same trails some day. Just as I have had moms mentoring to me in the past few weeks. Please continue to pray for Kinsley and our family. Life will be different then we dreamed. Pray that we grieve, but yet we also see hope in the Lord for our future.

Three years ago today

Happy Anniversary to me! Three years ago I walked down the isle and said yes to my best friend. Now not every one knows the story, but we dated in high school, went our separate ways, and on this day three years ago become life long partners. Three years ago if you asked us what life would look like now it would not be what it is like now. See I marrived my husband with two children already. He was perfectly happy helping me raise my two children. He didn't care to have any more. After a lot of sweet talking he agreed to have one of his own. So in June of 2009 we became pregnant with our sweet little Myla. He was an amazing dad to all three children. Then when Myla was was six months old I started telling him we should try for a son of his own. He agreed to one more. We tried for a son. We found out we were expecting another child 2 weeks before we left for Haiti in March of 2011. Little did we know we would be having another girl. We love all four of our children. Our oldest has special needs. Our son is the sweetest little boy and so full of life, our next daughter is full of energy and independence. Then there is our sweet Kinsley. Our child who once again turned life upside down. We saw our life camping, riding dirt bikes and quads, fishing, and doing lots of out door activities. While those things can still be done by the majority of our children, Kinsley will not be able to do some of those things. We did not expect to have a child that would have special needs. We already had one. There is no way a family could get two special needs children. Our world has been turned upside down. You surly can have more then ine special needs child in a family. This is not what we pictured life to be like. The reality is that our dreams from three years ago are being rewritten. We will have new dreams for the next three years. We wouldnt change our family for anything. God has provided us with some amazing children! He has provided us with lots of love and support from family and friends. God will continue to provide our every need. God will show us all the things Kinsley can still do with no sight. He will show us how we need to adjust life. God is carrying us through this journey! I am very confident today that the Lord love me, he loves Kinsley, and he lives my family. I believe the Lord brought me and my love together for a reason. He knew we would be perfect for each other while raising this family. I am thankful for my husband. He is my best friend, my rock through this difficult time, and the love of my life. Dany

Rough Weekend (take 2)

I'm going to play catch up from the weekend. The iPad was in being fixed and therefore I had no way to update the blog. It was a rough weekend. A roller coaster ride of emotions. Kelly is working on a top secret project that we can't tell about yet because the details aren't final. We are excited about this top secret porject though. It will be great! Once the final details are in place I will make sure to spill the beans. Friday we took the iPad to be fixed (Kelly pushed it off the counter and the screen cracked). After dropping it off we went into the mall. It was overwhelming. All of the states and comments were unbelievable. There were some comments about her being cute and some smiles which were recieved with kindness. It was hard to hear the negative comments. Leaving the mall we had a few other arrends to run. Then we headed home. Saturday was about to be a busy day. The morning started with Kelly heading to family friends of ours to work on buisness paperwork. He owns his own buisness and needed to change some paperwork. After doing that he came home. We got all of the kids ready to go. We were heading to the camper and RV show in Grand Rapids. The kids were so excited. They can't wait for it to be summer. They were on the quest to find the perfect camper for our trips. We stopped for lunch before we headed out. I mentally prepared myself during the ride that we would receive comments and stares. I didn't prepare myself enough. They were out of control. Not more then five feet in the building and they started. Amount the comments were people thinking they were fake, not believing we could know she needed glasses this young, and more. People pointed and stared. It was hard. It was emotional. My poor baby will have to endure this her whole life. While as an older child and adult she might not get the comments and stares, until then it will be hard. By the end of our camper looking experience I was ready to go home. I was already super excited t be getting my iPad back. So we headed towards the repair shop. I walked in, told them I was there to get my iPad and proceeded to get out a check. Then my already emotional and exhausted day got worse. The man behind the counter informed me that they do not accept checks. What? No checks? How was I going to get my iPad back. He then told me they would be open again on Monday if I would like to come back with cash or a credit card. I was mad. I was sad. I cried on the way home. Not just because of the iPad, but because the whoe day had exhausted me. Once home I collapsed in my bed at 7pm. I was depressed. I have been depressed. I didn't move from my bed. Kelly got the kids bathed, fed, and in bed. I laid with Kinsley in bed. I didn't get out. I didn't want to move. I stayed in bed only waking to nurse the baby. Sunday started with me not getting out of bed til 9:45am. Kelly was held responsible for getting the kids up and ready. Once up I threw on some clothes and we went to church. Church is a safe place for us. We are surrounded by support and love. It is also a place that yesterday caused some emotions I wasnt expecting. I've come to hate the question "ow are you?" Right now that is such a loaded question and if you don't want the loaded answer then you should not be asking. I also felt the need to explain my faith. People shared the the Lord can heal Kinsley. I completely agree with that statement. I know with all my heart that the Lord can give my sweet baby girl her vision back. I also want to be prepared for him not healing her and the possibility of her being blind for her whole life. I do not think this makes me a bad person. Some say I just don't have enough faith. After church I was ready to come home and once again collapse. Collapse I did. Kinsley and I sat on the couch and snuggled, both falling asleep. Once we woke up we needed to head over to the inlaws for a super bowl party. Here is was confronted with yet more fusteration and emotion. Here I was faced with people once again saying look, she can see. It's hard when others do not want to accept what is becoming our truth. The party was done and we headed home. We put the children in bed and I got to work. The house needed much attention and I had been slacking. Monday morning brought some excitement. I was going to get my iPad back and going to see my nephews! This morning we headed to my bothers house. I dropped the kids off and was able to pick up a friend. This dear friend is vital in my life right. She is a support that I wouldn't know what to do without. She listens to my many emotions. She watches my kids. She is just all around an amazing friend. With all I am going through right now she is probably a better friend to me then I am to her. She doesn't seem to care a whole lot. She just continues to support me. On our drive to pick up the iPad I was able to share with her our experience at the camper show, tell her how I feel about the question "how are you?" and much more. The whole time she just listened. She offered words of encouragement and offered continued prayers. Back at my brothers I was able to enjoy some time with my nephews. They are so stinkin cute. Then it was off to Chuck E. Cheese for some pizza and fun! The kids enjoyed it and it was a nice break for myself. I also talked to the eye doctor on Monday. They said we should have seen some sort of improvement within the first week. Since we are not seeing any they would like us to come in for a recheck. We will do that a week from today. We will then schedule an MRI. Please continue to be in prayer for our family during this time of uncertainty. Please pray for healing in Kinsley if it is the Lord's will. Your support and prayers are being felt. Please continue. Danyelle

Support and Grace

I've cried today, but not over Kinsley's vision. I have cried over the amount of support and grace I feel like my family is receiving. The people closest to is in life are allowing us to be vulnerable. They are giving us space when they feel we need it, the are making themselves available, and they are just loving us where we are. This is huge! Those that know my husband and I know that neither of us are big on asking for help. We offer to help others often, but rarely ask for help ourselves. Going through these times we will need to ask for help and if we don't we need people that will force their way into helping us. The support my husband and I have surrounding us in overwhelming. So many people love us and our children. I can feel everyone's prayers. It is giving us a peace. We still have tons of questions we are wrestling with, but we know there is a plan for our precious baby girl. I did some research today. I was looking at Braille. I was also gathering information on how to tell young children and in our case siblings about blindness. I found some great stuff. I think I will share my findings with you in a other post in the next few days. Please continue to pray. Pray that as we wrestle through some of the questions we have that we will find God's peace. Pray that our support system will continue to stay strong and caring. Pray that we can continue to be vulnerable with people closest to us. Danyelle

Hard Pill to Swallow.

To was a deep valley in our journey of of vision problems. I have cried on and off. Here is why: Our day started out pretty much as normal. Everyone got ready to head to school, breakfast had been devoured, clothes put on, and everyone was ready to go. Today was a little different in that I dropped the middle to children off by my mom then proceeded to take the oldest to school. From there I took my sweet baby girl home. Why were just the to of us going home you ask? Very good question. Kinsley had her Early On evaluation this mourning. Some may not know what that is. It is a group of people that work with our county to offer free services that aid parents in taking care of children with disabilities. They came out today to give Kinsley her official evaluation. Once at home I paced the floors waiting for these people to get to our home. I was nervous. We are fully aware that Kinsley can experience some delay in her other areas of development, but didn't want to hear if she was significantly delayed. These ladies filed into our home with their bags and notebooks. The also brought big smiles and warm voices. They were all so sweet it helped to calm my nerves. They all sat down and we got started. Lots of questions were asked, note were being written, and assements were being taken. The more they prodded for answers the less confiedent I was feeling. I felt like I wasn't doing enough for my sweet baby girl. One by one these women told me just how far behind my sweet girl was. With an overall development of a one and a half month old I was sad. At three and a half months I was hoping she was doing better. The vision specialist said that children this age learn 80% of things through visual stimuli. With her vision being compromised that is why she is behind in other areas. Heartbreaking, but the truth, I k we there was no whee else to turn. We needed the services Early On has to offer. Talking to each on of the ladies we set up goals that each of them would work with us on. I say us because they are teaching me just as much as they are teaching Kinsley. We also decided that Kinsley would benefit best with 4 hours of therapy a week. We will be seeing each of four speciality for one hour at a time. We will be seeing a speech therapist, physical therapist, occupational theraist, and the vision specialist. That a lot of people on and out of our house. I am grateful for the support we can be offered through them at no cost. This is a blessing. I'm just sad that I need these services for my baby girl. After all the goals were set and the evaluations were done I was asked a very important question. "What is your support system like?" I said its great. Our parents and siblings are awesome supporters, but we also have a church family at are always there for us. Wondering why she aged such a question she responded like this "Caring for someone who has a disability is hard work. Kinsley will take a lot of time and energy. You need a support system that will feel comfortable taki care of her no matter what her vision turns out to be. You need to be able to trust someone(s) so that you can get out by yourself, with your husband, and with your other children." For those of you that know me know how hard it is for me to let go of control. It will be even harder to let go of that control when it comes to care for Kinsley. Not wanting to burden any one else with her disabilities and extra care I will be more hard to convince I need a day away. I am thankful for a GREAT support system. I know many family and friends praying for us. I know so many friends and family that will help if we need it. I have no doubt that if I need to call on someone they will be there for us. I'm preparing myself for these things now. We leave Kinsley and the rest of our children at the end of a month for a weekend get away. It is scary, but I trust the people my children will be with. I've been mourning. Mourning the way I envisioned life for Kinsley. I've been asking God why us? Why my family? Why my sweet baby girl? I am sitting and listening for his answer. I feel it's okay to grieve these things, it's okay to ask God questions. I know he has a plan for our family. I know he has a plan for Kinsley. He is in control! He is the l Ought of our world and we need to stay focused on him. Please continue to be on prayer for our family. We are mourning the way we envisioned life for Kinsley. We are mourning the delays she is experiencing, but we have hope. Hope in the Lord that she will live a full and happy life. That she will bring great joy to many people. Danyelle