We All Have a Longing

As I sit here listening to the news and the events of Super storm Sandy, I am feeling mighty blessed. Although Michigan has had high winds and huge waves, we have not been impacted in such a way that those on the East Coast have been. Our thoughts and prayers are with those who are without power, flooded, and in so much pain and destruction.

Our thoughts here today? Well I have a picture hanging on my fridge of a yellow bus. That's right. We have decided to be a home school family, but that does not mean our children do not sometimes challenge our choice. They have a voice, an opinion, and desires. They all enjoy school. They have enjoyed the things that they probably wouldn't have been able to experience. We get to have pajama days. We get to do math while baking cookies. We get to go on field trips. We sometimes don't even start school until after lunch and work until later in the evening, allowing us to spend the morning snuggling and watching movies. This doesn't mean that our children don't wonder what being in school would be like. This doesn't mean that they do not wonder what riding a bus would be like. Today that was the case. Our oldest child was begging me to send her to school, not because she wanted to try school, but because she wanted to ride a big yellow school bus. We had a conversation about why that would be so great. We had a talk about why we home school. Although she knows why we home school and that she will not be riding a school bus, she still longs.

I learned a very important lesson during this discussion we had. We all long for something. There are all things we wish could be different. This is not bad. Sometimes longing is good. It gives us something to strive for. My question is; "Do pray about our longing?" "Do we seek wise counsel?" Just as my daughter had come to me asking about why we home school and why she couldn't ride that big yellow school bus she so longed to ride, do I do the same thing? I want to be more like her. I want to seek wise counsel more often. As adults we so often just do the things we want. We do what we think is best without really praying or thinking. We don't ask for others opinions. I want to seek the bible for answers. I want to seek Godly, wise people who may be able to weigh in.

I challenge you. If you have a longing. Please just don't jump on it. Pray, Look at your bible, Seek wise counsel. Then if it is in the plan God has for your life, chase that longing to the ends of the earth.

Ahh Guilt, How do I Make You Disappear

I must say that I love my life. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, but I am a mom, wife, friend, daughter, and so much more. I think we are women always tend to carry guilt in some for or another. Some of us may carry more then others. Some of us may indulge in our guilt's and some of us choose to rise above them. Some of us carry guilt for a lifetime. Some of us change the level of guilt we feel each day. We feel guilty if we give our kids to much candy. If we don't buy them the right clothes. We feel guilty if we can't be there for our parents. We feel guilty if we do something to disappoint our parents even as adults. We feel guilty if we can't be there to help a friend when they need us. We feel guilty if we fight with a friend. We feel guilty if our husbands needs are met. We feel guilty if the house isn't tidy, if laundry isn't done. We as women just tend to feel guilty.

Guilt is such an ugly thing. It hurts, It is heavy. Guilt takes different processes to get through. Some guilt is easy. Sometimes you can just talk to a friend and grab a different prospective. Sometimes it takes a day and it's done. Some guilt takes a longer process. Sometimes you can give into guilt and sometimes you just need to work through it. I struggle with different forms every day. This mornings guilt was different.

Sunday mornings I drop the big kids off at Sunday school and and then Kelly, Monkey Girl, Butterfly Girl and I head to Meijer to walk around and burn off some time before we need to be back at church. Usually we meet at Meijer because we take two cars. Monkey Girl and Him stay home a while longer because they do not to be at church right away. This week was different and I am pretty sure it is what trigger this guilty feeling. We met at church this morning. We all piled into one car and headed to the gas station. As I was stepping out of the truck my thought was this "This is how life would be if I would have waited for Kelly and we had gotten married. We would only have two kids. We wouldn't have a blended family. Maybe we wouldn't be finically strapped. Maybe I would be able to split my time between them all better." It was a horrible feeling. I LOVE all my children. I love each one of them and would never give any one of them up. They each have a special place in my heart. They are each special. Kelly treats each of them like they are his own. We are a family. We are a complete unit. My heart immediately sank into the pit of my stomach. I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I had just hurt my own feelings.

I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world! It is perfect. It is exactly how God had planned it. So why, Why then would I feel guilty. Why if my life is the way I had always pictured am I feeling so incredibly guilty. My answer is only that I am HUMAN. Not only am I human, but we also live in a sinful world. Its part of our nature to feel some extent of guilt. So what do I do? How do I get past?

I had to acknowledge that I was feeling guilty. I cried. I felt bad. I prayed. I prayed a lot! I read my bible. I tried to figure out what God was telling me. I just sat quietly and listened. I feel as though it's not bad to look at life as it might have been if I had made different choices. I don't even think that there has to be guilty thoughts connected to thinking about the what ifs of life. They happen sometimes though. It happened to me today. I am human. I wonder about what ifs. I think about life. I feel guilt sometimes. It's hard to be real, to blog about real feelings. You never know how some one might take it. I want to be real. I want to share so someone may say "yeah I know how that feels". I know the Lord has a plan for my life. He has a plan for me being able to be real. He has a plan for the words I type.

Life's Journey

Life's Journey is this crazy, unpredictable, sometimes amazing, sometimes crappy road that once you think you have it figured out it takes another unexpected turn. When I started this blog in the wake a very difficult time in life I dreamed of keeping it going. About growing it to something more then keeping those people that we do not get to speak to on a daily basis informed about our sweet Butterfly Girl and how she is doing. I wanted my readers to share a piece of my life with me. I wanted others to feel like they could connect and relate. I wanted other mom's, wife's, daughter's, sister's, and friend's to know that they are not alone in this road so many of us call life. We may not be struggling with exactly the same things or going through the same events, but at the end of the day we can someone relate to each other.

I lost blogging for a while. I took it out of my overly packed schedule and I came to a point the other day that brought me right back to blogging. I realized I blog most importantly for myself. So that years from now I can look back and see my family through a less hectic, busy eye. There are some days that I just strive to make it through an hour of this crazy life we live. So my goal is that if I document what we live I can come back and enjoy those moments a bit more. Or I may be able to come back and heal from the pain I still have from things. I know even today I have read the posts made about my sweet baby girl's vision and it is still very hard, but it is part of the healing process. Blogging is a way for me to feel like I invested in myself and invested in someone else. Maybe one day, someone will stumble across and say, "wow I thought I was alone, but this blogger felt the same way". Maybe that has happened and I don't know. My hope is that someday the blog will be more then just a place I lay my heart, but a source of hope, encouragement, and understanding to someone else.

I blog because I love writing. Ever since I was a young child writing was always my favorite thing to do. In high school I took as many writing classes as I could. Always dreaming of becoming an author was fun, but it always took second place to becoming a wife and a mother. Blogging is kind of like being an author in a way. I get to publish what I want people to read. I get to share my work with others and that is a satisfying thing. I love what I am doing and I am so glad to becoming back!

I blog because I want to keep all of you up to date on the latest findings on Butterfly Girl's diagnosis. Although I have been lacking in that department it will be a commitment of mine to try to keep up. The latest news with our sweet girl is that she sees twenty percent of her day. Her CVI is something that she will live and will learn to adjust to. What got us down most recently was our last trip to the eye doctor. While Butterfly Girl can see twenty percent of the day the vision she does have is very poor. She has a pretty strong prescription in her lens. While this might not concern the average person it concerns us. The reason this is cause for concern is because the vision she does have will slowly get worse, making the prescription in her lens stronger and stronger. This will eventually get to the point were her vision can no longer be corrected. Our baby girl will then officially be blind forever. This breaks our hearts. This makes us so incredibly said. This makes us hurt so deeply. We do have a God who is in the business of working miracles and we know they can happen! We believe that if it is HIS will he will heal our sweet girl. She turned 1 and despite the rocky first year we had an amazing celebration with family and friends.

I love blogging. I am glad to be back. I hope all of you will continue to read. I hope you will all share if you find something that may be an encouragement or source of hope to someone else.

I leave you with the verse my children are memorizing for church. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

How amazing is that! If we live life in accordance to God's calling he will work everything together for good for us, his people. That doesn't mean that God isn't going to let us go through hard times such as Butterfly Girl's diagnosis. That doesn't mean that bad things are not going to happen to us because they will, but when the time is right, when HIS time is right, ALL things will work together for the good of HIS people. I am so excited to know the truth of the Lord.