Weak, yet so Strong

I suffer from depression. It started out as just a seasonal thing. When the winter months hit I could feel myself in a sad state of mind all the time. I just couldn't get over things I would normally let slide. I could never feel happy because the sun was missing and the days were short. I felt so helpless, so weak. I couldn't overcome this sadness. I must have been weak right?

Then my seasonal depression turned into Post Partum Depression after my youngest two girls were born. With Monkey girl my PPD was so strong those first 6 months. I was helpless, I cried. I was sad, I felt like I was a horrible mother. It meant I was weak right? I had to seek the help of my doctor, who in turn prescribed me the right medicine to help me get through those times. With Kinsley I knew that I would fall into that PPD and to top it off my seasonal depression would make it worse. I talked to my doctor ahead of time and decided we would start on depression medicine before our sweet baby girl was even born. I so thankful that we were going to be proactive. I never would have guessed the PPD and the seasonal depression would have ganged up on me so hard. It was as worse as my depression has ever been. We adjusted my medicines a few different times. I felt defeated, I felt weak.

These feelings of being weak amplified after we found out about Kinsley. I fell straight to the pit of depression. Farther then my medicine would help. Farther then any one will ever know. I was weak. I brought into the world a baby that would live her life with a disability that would affect her everyday. How could I do this? Why did I want just one more? How could I have not known she was going to have to live her life this way? So many questions have raced in and out of my mind. In and out of my heart. I felt so weak. So helpless. There was nothing I could do to change back the time. There was nothing I could do to give my baby back her vision. I have been holding these fears, the what ifs, the worries for the future deep in my heart. I have been carrying the burden of the thinking its my fault in my heart. I want people to think I am fine. I want people to think all is well. Truth is I am weak. I can not do this one my own.

I learned something a week ago. I am weak yet so very strong. I can be strong because I have a heavenly father that loves me so much that he will carry my burden. I can claim victory over every issue in my life. I can claim victory over depression, over fears, over worry. I can claim victory in HIS name because he loves me. Because I believe in him he will help me overcome anything I ask him to help me with. One thing I have learned with this. I need to proclaim it to the world. If I just keep to myself that I claim victory over depression, over blindness, and other areas of my life I don't believe. If I say it out loud, on facebook, here, and people read it AND I believe it can happen, the world better watch out! I have felt so much better in the last week since doing this. I have learned that if I don't do this; if I don't claim victory I tend to look at the bad side of life. I start to focus on the things that can get me down. I don't want to feel down. I don't want to be at the bottom. Its not fun there. I know I am weak. I know I will fall. I know that life is not going to be perfect or easy. I know the affects of Kinsley's blindness will never go away. We will always struggle at some point. I will tell you though, I can shout to the world that I CLAIM VICTORY!!! I can pound all of those things into the ground because I have a savior that loves me and cares about me enough to take the burden of this life.

While I sit here listening to the amazing wonder of a the storm passing over head I feel peaceful. The thunder and lightening are those feelings the devil is trying to get me to believe. He is trying to get me all angry and sad. The rain that comes down is washing it all away. The rain washes all those fears, all those insecurities away.

Please continue to pray for our family. My asking for prayers will never end. Praise the Lord with me that we finally got Early On and the like all on the same page. The vision consultant will be out here tomorrow. Pray that she will get us set up on the right path to best help Kinsley grow and develop as close to her peers as possible without her vision. Please continue to pray for Kelly and I. Kinsley's diagnosis is still a struggle. One that we are both handling in different ways. May we give each other the space to grieve in our own ways and yet may we come together and hold strong to what we both know. God will carry us through.