Two steps forward, 5 steps back

I feel as two steps forward, five steps back describes my life. For many reasons. I feel as though we get on a good routine and someone gets sick. We get control of the behavior issues in our house and then it's on to the next set of behaviors that need correcting. I feel like I make progress in a relationship with one of the kids or my husband and fight breaks out over something silly and backwards we go. It is so frustrating. How I wish life would go perfectly all the time. I understand my examples may seem small to some. I know people that work hard, but loss their jobs or worse their houses. I know people that love their spouse and yet divorce happens. I know my examples are mere inconveniences in every day life. Some people struggle with more then I do. I am not trying to undermine those who suffer in a greater way.

Today I am just simply saying I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am constantly falling backwards after having experienced the greatness of what moving forward feels like. I am coming out of a time where I though I could do it all on my own. I am once again coming out of another pit of self pity, of bad behaviors from my kids, of a rough patch within my marriage. I am currently coming out of a pit where I wasn't reading my bible or praying because I was trying to do life on my own strength. Silly Me!!! I lost sight of why we home school, of why we do our devotions every morning. I lost sight of Jesus. Silly Me!!

Once again I was reminded that I can not raise my children, cannot be a loving wife, cannot be a good friend all on my own strength. I NEED Jesus!! He alone can do all things. I was also reminded that it isn't just about reading my bible. It is about LIVING my bible. Praying for my husband and my kids. Praying for their hearts, praying for their needs. I need to be in prayer for them.

Today we are back on the path of taking steps forward. We have had the most peaceful morning we have had in two weeks. As I type the kids are all playing Lego's while the oldest makes lunch. I hear laughter instead of fighting.

What changed? I spent the morning in devotions. I spent the morning praying for my heart, for the heart of my husband, and for the heart of my children. I spent time actually letting God's word sink in my heart instead of making it just another one of those things I could cross off my list. That is what changed. I gave the burdens of my heart to the Lord. I feel lighter, happier, more patient. Today is a great day. It came from the Lord and I am going to rejoice in it.

Be Blessed

Dany

Bah Humbug, turned Joy

Yes, I know it is not Christmas, but that phrase pretty much sums up my week. It was a rough one. Partially my fault and therefore I am going to kick this week out of the water!

I was reminded this morning through Pslams 100:1-2 that I need to praise the Lord with JOY even though personal struggles. Even though a rough day with the kids. Even through a rough nights sleep.

 

{Worship the Lord with GLADNESS. Come before him, singing with JOY.}

Pslams 100:1-2

 

 

My week was rough because I was still catching up from the week of being in the hospital. I was still trying to lesson plan, do laundry, and much more. I also broke my routine of going to bed on time and getting enough sleep. I was grumpy from lack of sleep, the kids were wild without structure, and there was a lot of attitude going on in my house. It was a rough week. Instead of changing my attitude and worshiping the Lord for the good things, I decided I would wallow in my furstrations and be grumpy. Not a smart choice. I had to apologize to my kids more then once, my husband more then once, and ask for a whole lot of forgiveness.

 

I guess those things all make me human. Not any one of us is perfect. I am, however, choosing this week to get back to what I know works well for our family. I am going to stick to our routine, I am going to be on time and getting enough rest, most importantly I am going to choose JOY and GLADNESS over being grumpy. I am going to worship this morning with my children and do it with joy and passion.

 

Happy Monday! Be blessed!

 

Dany

Being Equipped

Isaiah 45:5-6 says this: I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don't even know me, so all the world from the east to west will know there is no other God. I am the Lord, and there is no other.

 

There are many moments throughout daily life where I sometimes do not feel equipped for certain situations. Those are little things. Then there are those times in life where I certainly do not think I am equipped to handle certain situations. There are so many questions. So many ways to parent. So many ways to be a wife. There are so many ways to go about life. Homeschooling, running businesses, raising up children, and being a woman of faith. Am I equipped?

My two year old has exhausted all of my "go-to" discipline techniques. She truly is a child of her own accord and I was certainly not ready for everything she has thrown my way. She is very strong willed. I no longer had the tools to deal with her behavior and endless curiosity. This is somethings small. Every day.

Butterfly Girl's CVI was something that I was not equipped to handle. I was not ready to raise a child that had special needs. I was not ready to raise a sweet girl that had limited to no vision. I just wasn't ready. This is a big event.

I can not be equipped by my own power and make it through the day. However, I am equipped by my Lord. He has equipped me with everything that I need for this battle of life and let's face it. Life can be a battle. Sometimes we struggle to get a meal on the table. Sometimes we struggle to discipline our children with love. Life can get ugly. Life can get brutal. There are times where we we feel like the tools for battle are missing.

I tell you this. Turn to the Lord. He has equipped you with everything you need for the moment. He has given you peace, patience and love to discipline your children. He has given you the the gift of grace so you can forgive yourself and others. The Lord is your most powerful tool. He has given you his word in which we can find strength in all things. Read it. Pray it. Hold onto the Lord. You have the tools to face every day battle. You have the tools to face even the toughest adversities in life. I have been through some of the roughest times in my life in the past year. If it were not for my faith I would have never been able to survive. God gave me the tools.

Know that you are equipped. Stand strong in faith.

Be Blessed.

Dany

Lessons being Learned

My heart is being transformed. My heart is changing. I was not content with my spiritual life nor the spiritual life of my children. I have always been a Christian. I would always read my bible and pray. My heart longed for more. My heart wanted to go deeper than I have ever gone before. I want my children to go deeper then just the bible stories and memorizing verses. I want them to live the words of the Lord.

Saturday I was unhappy, I wasn't content. I found myself wanting, lusting after the things of this world that I couldn't have. I found myself trying to figure out on my own how to get the things I didn't have. I wasn't using my faith. I wasn't leaning on Christ. I started praying. I felt God's peace. He was telling me it was okay. We have everything that we need in this moment. He said that he will provide when we need it. We don't need anything more right now. He has a plan a for us. I need to trust. Sunday the sermon reaffirmed this. It was amazing to keep that lesson going.

Monday was a very rough day. We had some behavior issues that we rearing their ugly head. There was a lot of back talking. There was a lot of anger. From the children and then myself. As I laid in bed Monday night I cried. I had been quick to anger instead of quick to listen. I had let my children see that if they pushed hard enough I would crack. I opened my bible and started to look for a lesson, a verse, something that would make me feel better. This is what I found.

"Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live! You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him, and committing yourselves firmly to him. This is the key to your life. If you love and obey the Lord, you will live long." Deuteronomy 30:19-20 NLT

Each day we have a choice. Each day we can choose life or death. Not just in the physical aspect, but  spiritually. Our spiritual life needs to have life. God wants us to choose him. God wants us to choose Life, the blessings and life he can provide us. As much as this was a verse for me, it was also was for my children. Everyone in my house needed to hear that we have a choice. Every day we can choose to OBEY the Lord are days that will be blessed. My children needed to see that every day they choose to obey the Lord, including obeying Mommy and being kind to each other, means they will receive blessings. For them blessings may come in getting candy, getting a movie, or just something that makes them happy. I needed to hear that if I obey the Lord by being slow to anger then our house will have blessings also.

We will be studying this verse of the next few weeks. Talking about it as a family. Working through what it really means. Figuring out how to apply it to our everyday lives. I am so excited to dig in deeper with the kids, for myself. This verse was the strength I needed. It was the message that needed to be heard. God gave it to me at just the right time. Hopefully, just maybe, you will find comfort, wisdom, or hope in this verse also.

Be blesses

Dany

Break Down

I have been doing so well mentally and emotionally. I have been staying on top of what I know is important. My relationship with Jesus, with my husband, and then my children. I know that this makes me happy and less stressed. Well today I broke down. I just couldn't keep up the positive, non complaining, up beat attitude that I have been feeling lately.

You see. I like my house spotless. I like everything done in a certain order at a certain time in a certain way. I am very OCD. I am very type A personality and as funny as it sounds I was looking forward to my doctors appointment this morning. We were supposed to be scheduling surgery which in turn would allow me to use my knee that very same day as long as I could tolerate it. As I sat there waiting for the doctor he came in and said "I have good news and bad news" I immediately thought that it meant my tear was worse then he had first imagined and that it was going to take a longer recovery, but maybe he could do it yet today. I was very wrong. He proceeded to tell me that the bump her felt in my knee was not a meniscus tear. In face it was the muscle that holds the knee in place. He told me that I had dislocated my knee, that muscle was way to loose and was getting "bunched up". So now what I thought? How do we fix this? Well he told me and I didn't like what I was hearing. He had to re-dislocate my knee so that it could be in the correct healing position. Then I would be in this knee immobilizer and on crutches for the

At first I was handling this okay, but the day slowly drug on. Sitting in the car is hard. Going to the bath room is hard, and I cant just stand on it. I have to wear this thing twenty four hours a day seven days a week only to take it off to shower. This does not make me so happy. I hate asking for help. I hate not being able to do all my type A personality things. I just hate being laid up in general. I am always doing something. I always have a running list of things that need to be done.

This realization that I am going to need to count on others. That I am not going to get much on my to do list done. That I will be stuck in this thing for four weeks. Add that with the pain I am experiencing. Add that in with not a ton of sleep the past few nights and I lost it. Oh and my pop spilled every where. It was not a good thing.

I am telling myself that even though I want to complain every second of every day. Even though I want to just cry and throw myself a pity party doesn't make things better. God is in control! He has me taken care of. This was in his plan. This is his way of showing me something and I need to listen. I need to stay focused on his plan for me and for our family. I need to focus on how much he has given me. I have four amazing children. The best husband any one could ask for. The ability to write and share our families story.

Please continue to pray with us. Pray that my family can hold out on my sometimes short, sometimes snippy, crabby self while I deal with this inconvenience. Pray that this knee heals quickly. Pray that the next four weeks goes amazingly fast.

Mother's Day

I had a rough week. I ended up getting sick even after I willed myself not to. I got behind schedule on lots of things. The house got really messy. Plus we went to the two local parades in town. After that I had to set up for a craft show this weekend and do that. I was so sad my weekend was going to be so full. I didn't know what I was going to do. I did however have the most FANTASTIC Mother's Day.

As I sit here contemplating what a wonderful day I had today I realize so many things.

I am at peace with life. Everything is so enjoyable today. My kids were extra fussy, but that didn't seem to damper the mood. I get to be called Mommy by four wonderful children. Each of them are so different and unique. Each one has their own personality and gifts. God choose ME to carry them in my belly for nine months. God choose ME to give birth to them and then to be their provider for during this life. God gave me each of my children to teach me different things and while they are teaching me how to be a better person I also get to teach them. I am so blessed to be called their mother.

Bunny Girl was given to me as a first born. She taught me that no matter how rough life gets family always sticks together. She has taught me no matter how down life gets someone always has it worse. She has made me grow more in love with Jesus. She has taught me how to love, sing, and dance. She warms my heart with her compassion for other people, yet she keeps me on my toes with her immediate dislike for a situation. I am so glad that she calls me mommy.

Alligator boy, oh my sweet alligator boy. He is my soft hearted and gentle boy all while being a very boyish boy. He loves his dirt, trucks, and tractors, but he truly has a heart of gold. He has taught me how to be gentle. How to treat his tender heart as though at any point it could break. I needed to learn this lesson because it is how I need to deal with any one I come in contact with. You never know when something you say to someone might be hurtful even if it is not the attempt. He has taught me all I know about tools, about trucks, and about playing in the dirt. Having a boy is different and amazing. He has a heart that loves everyone, cares for everyone, and never wants to see any one sad. He loves his sisters better then any other big brother could. He is curious. He has questions for everything. He has taught me that it is okay to ask questions about life, about anything. To think that I he could no be here with me today is sad. My life wouldn't be where it is today if I would not have had Parker. He has truly made me a great mommy. I am so glad he calls me his mommy

Monkey Girl has taught me how to be crazy! How to enjoy every moment of every little thing we do. How to do everything with a smile. She has taught me patience. She has taught me overwhelming joy. She is so busy all the time. I get tired some days with her, but no matter what she always shows me her love. My favorite is when she comes up to me, squeezes my cheeks, and kisses me. She loves giving hugs and kisses. She LOVES books. Monkey girl has taught me how to sit and play or read. She has taught me that house work can stop and I can sit and play. She brings me great joy and I am glad she calls me her mommy.

Butterfly Girl has changed my life forever. Being the last in our family had a special place. She will forever be our "baby". Then she changed our world even more. She is special in her own way because she has no vision. Her eyes have failed her. Other parts of her body are failing her and not allowing her to be the seven month old she should be today. She has taught me to lean on the Lord. She has taught me that without the strength of the LORD I can do nothing. Life will be hard no matter what, but I do not have to carry this burden alone! Butterfly Girl has a sweet demeanor about her. So gentle and loving. Her smile when she hears your voice is contagious. When she knows your their the glimmer in her eye is priceless. She has taught me how to channel my stubborned, strong willed personality towards helping her get the help she needs. She can not talk yet, but I am so blessed I get to be her mommy.

I also comtenplate the mother I am today in credit to my mother. She is truly an amazing women. She has a heart of pure gold. She loves each one of us to no end. She would climb mountians and swim a thousand seas for her children. She raised us for so many years as a single mom. Although we knew our parents were divorced my mom also made sure that we felt loved. She always made sure that we felt cared about. My mother has the strongest faith. Stronger then any one I might know. All of these qualities she has passed down. I try my hardest to make sure my children each feel loved and cared for. I try to make sure that no matter what we are going through emotional and fiananciallly. She never once made it seem like she didnt have enough money. She is an amazing women. Her faith has been passed down as well. I admit that I am not half the women of faith as she is, but she is my fole model. She is amazing. She has helped shape who I am today.

Its been a blessed Mother's day! I am so thankful to have a mom and to be called mom. 

Uphill from Here

The week can only go uphill from here! My Monday morning started out rocky and it only got worse from there. By noon I was in tears I just couldnt handle the stresses of life.

Mistake 1: I woke up late. None of the kids wanted to get ready to go. Its was rough. OG was about 15 minutes late for school. After dropping her off at school I needed to drop Alligator boy off at my brothers so that I could take the two little girls to the doctor.

 Mistake 2: Taking a two year old and a 6 month old to the doctor on the same day! Where was my head? Monkey girl is so crazy and hard to keep contained. Plus I knew the doctor would be less the impressed with her large motor skills. Her MRI came back fine. Praise the LORD! The only down side to that is it still leaves us grasping for straws as to why she can not see and why she is so weak. Her muscle tone is almost completly lacking. She is a mystery child. So many complex things to deal with. We will be seeing a neurologist along with heading to the Gerber Clinic in Grand Rapids to see if they can help with therapy. The Gerber Clinic should be able to give us a better understand of what may be going on also. Monkey Girl on the other hand is advanced for her age. She is doing things most three year olds are just starting to accomplish. She impressed the doctor with everything she did. Oh and they are complete opposites. Monkey Girl is light and short. K is heavy and long. It's odd because Monkey girl looks chunky, but only because she's short. K looks skinny, but only because shes long. All in all a good appointment. Just frusterating knowing K is behind and the doctors still are not sure what is up with her.

Mistake 3: Thinking I was going to get my hair done without already having an appointment set up. I have a hair cut and color I want to go with. I was all ready to get it done today. I know the longer I wait the more I will chicken out. Well I didn't have an appointment any where so as I was calling around I kept getting told they didn't have spots open any more today. How frusterating. I just wanted my hair done. I never do anything for myself. Today was my chance and only today. Or that's how I felt any way. My mom and a friend got me out of my funk and I set up an appointment for tomorrow.

Mistake 4: I slept. Once home from the appointments this morning I fed the crazies lunch and got Monkey Girl laid down. I then put in a movie for Alligator boy and put K to sleep. Once she was a sleep I took my crabby, depressed self, and slept also. This was a mistake because I didn't get any cleaning done. My house needs a good cleaning and instead I feel asleep.

After my nap I did get some cleaning done. I got to spend time with my family. I got to giggle, play, and have fun. I got to sit and talk to my husband for a while after all the children were in bed. Oh and I got to get out of the house kid free. It was only to my inlaws down the road, but none the less it was minus my four other limbs. I have gotten some work done tonight also which is great after taking all last week off. Now if I can just continue to work until 3am when I normally end my "shift" we will be all set.

Tomorrow is another day. I can get cleaning done tomorrow. I can get my hair done tomorrow. For today I need to be thankful for my family. My house. The work that is required of me from my children, my house, and my husband. I need to be thankful that K's MRI came back okay. I need to be thankful that she is alive and well despite some delays.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Upside Down and All Around

Please excuse my break from blogging. Oh how I have missed it. I needed to take a slight break to deal with life. It has kind of gotten out of control. So where do I start? Let me think about this.

I hope all of you had a very blessed Easter! I spent mine with family. Kinsley also go baptized. And it was her daddy's birthday. It was a packed weekend, but full of fun. Enjoy a picture of her in her outfit made my mommy!

Well this diagnosis is hard! The day I think it gets easier I get knocked right back down. Its hard to think about some days. With Kinsley being the only baby her age that we really know I don't ever seem to think of her as behind or delayed. She is just who she is. While this is still true. She is her own person, she is behind others her age. This was brought to my attention today. It was a smack in the face so to say. This life is hard. There are still days I want to cry.

After much hassle with the insurance company and the eye doctor Kinsley will have an MRI on April 23rd. I am scared and elated at the same time. I am so glad it is happening. That we will get an even clearer picture of what is happening in my poor baby girl's head, but I'm scared.

As I said, I have had a rough go about the past week or so. Life has brought me down. I have not been handling things well, which is what brought on the hiatus from blogging. I did realize the other day that blogging does help and therefore hopefully these breaks wont happen often.

Since Monday I have been doing something on my facebook wall to help me with this life I am trying to make sense of. I have been claiming victory in the name of my heavenly father over certain aspects of my day and feelings. Boy has this helped! If I say it out loud and share it publicly I have been more apt to actually feel that way. It has in turned made this house more peaceful, fun, and joyful. I have been able to release some of the pains I have been suffering.

A verse that I wear on a hat says this "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

The same thing goes for my Victory over statements. If I confess what I have victory over and believe them my life will be better! Not 100% free from the attacks of the devil, but I will be able to better handle life.

Please continue to pray for us. This journey is far from over. This journey has just begun. We are still dealing with it on a daily basis. Please continue to pray for strength and understand for my husband and I.

Monkey Girl turned 2!

Wow! It's amazing how fast these young years go by. I can't believe our monkey is 2! We had quite the monkey party yesterday. It was a great time of fellowship with family and friends. Our monkey got lots of great gifts and she couldnt decide what to play with first. The love and support from our family and friends was evident yesterday. God has given us a gift. God has given us two amazing years and we pray he gives us many more. Two years ago on the day Monkey Girl was born we had snow. Today it was in the 80's and we were all wearing shorts! Crazy how different things can be in two years. Happy birthday baby! May you have many more. Because we celebrated yesterday we didn't do a whole lot today. I started my morning as positive as I could. I got discouraged though after finding out my afternoon wasn't going to go as planed which in turned messed up my morning. I don't do well with change. I dislike what I can not control. I spent the day in town. This I don't normally I unless I have to. Staying in town meant I could not get done what I wanted to get done at home. That is fusterating. I need to get as much done as possible during the day so I have time to work at night. Another reason I was feeling a bit down today was because our Early Intervention meeting didn't go so well on Friday and it's still eating me. Kinsley's eye doctor says one thing, my own observation tells me one thing, and they told me the exact opposite. They said she doesn't need services and to call them back if she needs them later. This makes me fusterared because she needs services now! She doesn't use her feet, she doesn't do tummy time well. She needs help. I need help helping her. It's eating at me today. It's making me sad. It makes me feel lost. It makes me feel helpless. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I got sent this in an email from a friend! How true! I need to remember this often. God will get me through.

To long

Its been way to long since I've blogged last. I've been super busy trying to figure out a schedule that works for our family. I am trying to find a balance between my work, my family, and relaxation. It's quite a task. I think I am finally coming to a good routine. I am feeling better about life when I am in a good groove. I fell off my groove the other day and once I do it throws me off for a few days, this is why I haven't blogged. My depression sometimes gets me down over things I can't figure out. I lost a very important piece to my brand new machine. I couldn't find it and therefore my machine would not work. I was upset and angry at myself for losing this part. This then caused me to over sleep and be pretty mopey all day. That turned into me not sticking to my routine and being more upset the next morning because all of those chores I do at night so I can wake up to a clean house were not done. I got back on top of it th next day, but I can still fell the anxiousness. Part of this anxiousness is because my schedule is off today, tomorrow, and Sunday. Today we had the therapists come out. This was both fusterating and angering. They told me my child could see even though I politely showed them why the doctor said she can't. To get her to track objects they were using beads and other things that make noise. I told them that if they took the noise portion out of the equation that she stopped tracking. Sure enough they saw that, but it wasn't enough for them to be concerned. She still lifts her head and moves for the noise. They also didn't address that her head still is down most of the time or the fact that she doesn't really care to use her legs. I am outraged. Help my baby! Help me help my baby! I really just wanted to cry. I needed to try to pick myself up. I need to try not to let it get to me, but it does. I then went with my husband to FIRST Robotics. They are having a competion on our home turf and because he mentors we wanted to show support. Tomorrow we will be going back to ROBOTICS. I will also be getting ready for my Monkey Girls Birthday Party. We are having a monkey theme. It will be fun, but the day won't be how it normally is. This throws me off. Sundaynis the party which will make the day off. Please pray for peace as we go through the next couple of days and they are not how I normally spend them. Please continue to pray for Kinsley. They are felt. They are needed.

One month ago...

One month ago today we found received the devastating news that our baby girl has no vision. She is blind. I remember the moments like they were yesterday. I remember driving up to the eye doctor. Ever second seemed like it was dragging. I checked in to the front desk with a quiver in my voice. I knew what the day would bring. It was in my gut. I just needed to know. I very anxiously awaited the arrival of my husband. He went into work that morning and met us over at the doctor. I remember the moment we got called back. I could feel the shakes and the tears. I carried my sweet girl to the exam room where the nurse ran another serious of tests. Both with her glasses in and off these tests were run. No change. The nurse wanted to be so hopeful. The nurse said everything with a cheer in her voice, but her cheer was not fooling me. I knew the truth. I knew that our fear her glasses weren't working was becoming a reality before our eyes. Grasping at straws in hopes that there was still something that could be done the nurse asked of she cold have her glasses. She wanted to check to make sure that her prescription was not wrong. When she came back to the room she confirmed that the glasses were the right strength. No change was happening. So we waited. We waited for the doctor to arrive with official word on what would be a lie turning day. We waited and waited. Kelly and I talked about how a doctor might prepare to tell parents that something so life changing is wrong with their child. We talked about how hard it must be for them, how they go about mentally handling something so awful. 45 minutes we waited for the doctor, but the it was time for the truth. The doctor ran the same tests the the nurse ran. Still failing all of them. Then she let us have it. "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but your daughter can't see. Her vision is not there." at this moment I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to run away kicking and screaming! Not my baby! Not my baby! She explained that we would be well cared for. There is a community of blind persons that are always supporting each other. It will be an easy path to navigate with this support. We got ready to setup our next appointment. Once in the parking lot I fell into my husbands arms and cried. My baby was blind. My baby was going to live her life with no vision. My friends this is not an easy path! This is not the one I would have chooses. I am still naviagting. I am still trying to find this community of support. I'm still trying to cope. I'm depressed, but working on it. A very, very dear and caring person close to our family brought a boom over today. Overcoming Depression. I'm excited to start reading it. I know with God I can start overcoming this depression I fght. I know with God I can deal with those things life throws at me regarding Kinsley. I know with God Kinsley will be able to live a life full of joy and promise. It will just take different paths then those of my children with sight. Please continue to pray for us. We have made it through a month, but have been told the first 2 years are the toughest. This is when most of the milestones happen and also when the most learning/changing happens. In this time they learn to roll, sit, crawl and walk. All of these milestones will come with challenges. These first two years will be hard. Please keep praying for our family! I can feel the prayers. I can feel the support all of you who read this blog give. Please continue to pray. Danyelle

Surviving

One month ago today I was up all night tossing and turning. I was awaiting the morning that would change my life forever. One month ago today I was waiting for the dreaded words I ended up receiving. One month ago today I was up all night wrestling with God saying "please make this a dream, please heal my baby. What do I need to do Lord for her to see." It was a long night. I'm not sure I slept much. Here I am one month from then still alive. Still trudging through the waters of Kinsleys diagnosis. Still hanging on to the fact that my Lord and Savior will carry me through. I will tell you this month has not been without struggle. I will tell you this life will not be without struggle. Today my husband made mention that most kids Kinsley's age either get scared of big dogs like ours or laugh and giggle when big dogs likes our come up to them. Kinsley does none of this. I must admit I cried. It's those little things we take for granted. I would be so happy even with the scared cry because it would mean she can see. Alas she can't. She won't. Not unless my heavenly father heals her in our lifetime. If you have young children like Kinsley please don't take for granted those small moments that get your child's attention. Even if it is a cry. Savor it. Hold onto it. It means they can see! It means their eyes are serving their purpose. We took a walk today. We enjoyed the beauty that surrounded us. Kinsley can not enjoy the beauty the same as us. It's hard on this heart of mine. The day has been full of tears. The day has been full of some realizations. The day has been draining. I have been doing some things to keep me from going to far into a depression where I want to sit and do nothing. I have myself on a pretty good schedule. I have created a list of things to do in which I choose five evey day. Of those five et done I can pick some more. This makes me feel like Im getting things done, but also giving me permission to enjoy my kids, my husband, and life in general. I have also been working up a storm. Please pray that I continue on this path that currently has me feeling pretty good. Please pray that the partners I have set up to check in on me for accountability continue to do so. Pray for our marriage to continue to stay strong, pray we keep finding ways to connect as husband and wife and get out if the constant care Kinsley requires. Pray that this new life we are doing will soon become normal. The surprises by what Kinsley can't see will sting less and the joys of what she an do without vision become more! Your prayers are felt every day, and for them my family and I are grateful. Danyelle

All Good Streaks Come to an End

I was having some really good days. Like I posted yesterday despite taking my depression meds I have been doing a really job being able to pick myself up when things have been thrown in my path. Today was the end of that streak. Today has been another really hard day. I feel as though I have been kicked down by those closet to me. I feel like I have made mistakes that are bad I guess. I'm not really sure. I guess making people I haven't realized I made my mad. I'm mad myself people! I'm struggling to figure all this out myself. I'm bund to slip up. I'm bound to make mistakes. I am human after all. I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate this new world. I'm scared to let people help. If I let people help then they might feel this pain I feel. If people help I don't know how they will handle my very colicky, fussy, whiny baby. She's my burden to carry because I chose to have her. Not that I see her as a burden, but others might if they had to care for her. Kelly and I were the ones that chose to have four children. We should deal with it right? I'm feeling as though today I've not done a single thing right. I have been told today the things I have d. Wrong this past week. It stings. It hurts. I'm down. Im crying. I need to stay strong. I also need grace. I need the Lord to help me. I need him to also show others that I am trying. That it's just hard. Hurt. Sad. Crying. That is how I will finish this day. The good days have had their run. Maye tomorrow they can stop by again. Today they were beaten by sadness. Im to tried to try to be happy any more today. The one good things a out today is I was asked to help some girl scouts on their sewing badge. It makes me feel good that someone thought of me to use my talent sewing to help some girls learn. In all the sadness today there was something good. I'm glad I was asked to help. It makes me feel like I have a talent and that I can help others instead of someone always helping me. Please join us in prayer. I need strength. I need understanding. I need grace. Please pray tomorrow is a happier day. Danyelle

Highs and lows

I have been having a few pretty good days with the minor kinks thrown in. Despite not taking my depression meds I have been feeling decent. I do have the occasional anxiety attack which brings me down for a while but I have been able to pick back up. I am a little out of sorts tonight. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling rushed. I'm feeling behind. My meds would help me not feel anxious. I must get them. I need to try to get the script tomorrow and head over to the free med clinic we have in town. I spent about an hour talking to my in laws tonight. While it was great conversation and nice to get out of the house I am paying the price of anxiety because I haven't completed my tasks that needed to get done as of yet. I stil, have a while of my night left to go. I am feeling hurt by words that were sad. I was told I needed to give up this kick that Kinsley is blind. I was told this by someone close to me. How can I give up this "kick" when the medical professionals we have seen have told us she is blind. How can I give up this "kick" when if I give it up that she may never get the help she needs. How can I give up on the fact that my child IS blind. I need to accept reality. I need to do with what I have been given. Is this what I wanted for m baby? Is this how I planed my life to be? No! It is most certainly not what I wanted, but it was what the Lord h provided me. Hurt, sad, lost. I am starting to get myself back. Realizing I'm a night person and would rather stay up Kate then go to bed esrly is huge! I stil get 7 hours of sleep (interrupted of course), but without getting up way early. I would rather get chores done by staying up later then everyone else in the house then getting up before the kids. I also like that because I stay up and get so much done I can take an afternoon nap with my munchkins. This helps me catch up because of the interruptions I get at night thanks to Miss Kinsley. I am also glad to be sewing again. This is something I really enjoy. I love creating new things, I love making them for others. I love that I can make money off from it which is helping provide for my family! Mix emotions tonight. Please pray. Pray my anxiety attacks will go away. Please pray for Kelly and I to keep our relationship strong. Please pray for all these uncertain things we still don't know about Kinsleys vision. Please pray that we can keep coming to peace with her blindness. Please pray that nothing stands in our way. Danyelle

All falling into place

This journey has me on such a roller coaster. I go from the darkest pit to feeling like I can be happy and back again. Over the past few days I have been feeling over all pretty well. There are a few times during the day that I feel lost, dark, and down. I came to this conculsion after talking to a very dear friend. I lost myself. I let myself go so deep into the pit of darkness I gave up all the little techniques I used to keep me going. I used these tools to keep me feeling safe, secure, and on track. I gave them all up because I was so sad. I gave them up because other people thought it was funny that I needed these things to make me happy. I am a very routine, schedule, lists type person. Without these things I feel lost. I feel insecure. People didn't think I needed these things to be happy, but I do. If I didn't have friends to talk to I would have never figured it out. I would have kept on going in my darkness. Now I have a plan. I'm back to my lists and schedules. Want to know what's great? My friends and family are there for me, if Kinsley has a rough day, I get sick, we have lots of appointments or whatever they are there to tell me it'd okay if my lists didnt get done. They are also there to tell me when I have put to much stuff on my list. They are there. It'd amazing to feel like I have support. Kelly tried to test Kinlsey's vision again the other night. We both have hopes that maybe one day we will be shocked and she will be able to see out of no where. This wasn't the case the other night. Still no sign of vision. We really need to stop testing it. We really need to start coming to terms with the fact that this is how it will be. This is our life. Our baby is blind. We need to try not to lose each other, we need to try to make sure our other kids feel like the belong, we need time to ourselves so our whole family can process. It is tough this journey. It is tough. Please continue to pray. Kelly and I are both very stressed from the care Kinsley requires. It sometimes causes problems. See get angry wit each other, with our other kids, and with Kinsley. Pray we continue to take the steps we need to take in seeking help to make it through on this journey. Dany.

A shining light!

The Lord my God is my light. He is my shining star. I shall lean on him through this dark time. The on,y one who knows the extent of darkness I am feeling on this journey is God. I am trying to hold it together for my husband, my children, my family and my friends. I don't want any one to know what is deep within my heart. The pain is to much for some else to bear. The Lord is the only one capable of bearing my load. He is the only one that will carry my burdens without complaint. I can feel him holding onto me tonight. I can hear him says "Dear child, we can make it, you will survive. I have a plan for you and it goes way beyond what you can imagine." Over the course of the last few days I have had this feeling, this urge, to write a boom. Maybe that is why I blog. Maybe some day my blog will turn into an inspiring story of how you can go from finding out you baby is blind and still come out alive. Maybe my story will be an inspiration to others. Maybe my story will be a hope in a time of darkness. I know what the darkness and grieving for the futur of a child is like. I do it ever day. One of these days I need to get past this grieving. One of these days I need to get through this storm. So many things seem to be causing me to stay in this storm. So many things are hard. I will tell you this. The Lord has surrounded me with blessing though. My mother in law and I are getting closer through this experience. I am thankful for that. The Lord gave be the worlds greatest friend. We will call her Mommy Bean here on the blog. She comes with her son Bean and watches the kids while I work. She is a listening ear when I need to chat. She is a shoulder to cry on, a distraction when I need it, and a hug any time. She has carried me through some of my darkest days without even realizing she has done it. Her and I have been friends since before my Monkey girl and her Bean were even born. Monkey girl and Bean are destined to be married some day. The Lord knew I would need her through this journey. Today is a better day despite after testing Kinsleys sight she still wasnt tracking. I need to start realizing that testing it myself isn't going to produce the results I want. I need to come to terms with the hand I have been dealt. One positive is I got to sell some of my work at a craft show. I was able to spend time with my family. I also got lots of snuggles from the baby before she feel asleep. I need to have more of these days then the bad days. I like these days better. Oh and something else I love, on those days I'm really really struggling, God shows my sister in law a devotional to pass on to me. Seriouly, every time I am struggling with something it is like she just knows. Every time it has spoke right to my heart. It is seriously amazing how God is bringing me closer to the people he knows care about my well being. Today was a good day start to finish. Praying tomorrow can be just as great. Will you being praying with me? Please do pray for our family. Pray for me to start having more good days. Pray that Early on starts coming like they said. Pray that we make it through one day at a time. Dany

Deep, dark pit

Sorry for not blogging I'm the past few days. I have been busy with life, but also in the darkest pit of my life. I never imagined this journey to have so many tears. I never imagined this journey to be so dark. I never imagined the new senesativity I would have to comments from others. I never knew what it would be like to walk this journey. Life is full of unknowns. Life will never be ther way we picture it. All we can do is stive to make things better. W can strive to act like life is fine. This is the road I've been on. I've been acting like nothing has gotten me down. Like CIA conquer the world. Over the past few days it has bee hard to keep up this facade. This perfect life of no sadness. My day never ends. Al, my days blur together. All my days take every ounce of effort I have. We had Knsley back in the ER tuesday night. All she did was scram for 3+ hours. She wouldn't stop. My husband and I tried everything. Turns our her ear was the culprit of the unconsolable crying. The ear drops help some. I'm never early sure when she is hurting or just crabby because she cries almost every hour. She cries a ton. The past few days I have been working. For those of you that don't know what I do I work for home. I sew many cite things for babies and young children. I've been working to get things done for a mom2mo sale a local church is putting on. I am excited. Working from home is a blessing and a curse. While I have an amazing friend here to watch the kids while I get my work done I can also hear them asking for me. Can hear when they are being naughty and feel bad that my kids are not bring perfect for the one watching them. All of these things I need to do, the fact that I'm still coming to terms with I Kinsleys lose of vision have me at the bottom of life. I am sad. We are without insurance for the next month and I wasnt able to refill my depression meds before it the other insurance ended. I am fighting tooth and nail with the Early Intervention program in our area to test our sweet baby girl the services that she needs. I am also fighting the insurance company to make sure they cover our sweet baby girl once the new insurance kicks in. Add on a house to clean, dishes to do, kids to play with and love, a husband, and much more you can see why I am a mess. I need help, but despite a select few people I barely get the help I need. My husband does what he can when he is home. My best friend comes to watch the kids while I work. And my mom helps, that is the extent. Oh how I wish we could afford a house cleaning service. Oh how I wish I didn't feel guilty about going out on a girls night. I am going to hang onto my faith. I am going to love my God with all my heart. I am going to trust in him. He will be with me even in this dark pit that I am. He is going to carry me to the light. Please keep our family in your prayers. Please keep me in your prayers. Oh and watch for pictures to come tonight of all the cool stuff I will be bringing to the mom2mom sale this weekend. Danyelle

Ups and downs.

This crazy life I live is full of ups and downs. Not only can my sweet baby girl not see she is sick. She is having breathing difficulties. She also has an ear infection. I feel so bad for her. All she has done all day is cry or whine. Nothing makes her feel better. I wish I could take her pain away. I wish I could make her see. I wish I could take all of her sickness away! I went from having a fabulous vacation which was high on happy emotions to another very low point. I am remembering my book. It's all about choices. I need to choose the high road. I sat down and did the dreaded budget. This is one thing my husband and I never agree on and it as o different tonight. The planner in me wants to have all the numbers crunched and if they don't match up I want to have a plan to make up the differnence. He on the ther hand says just lay the bills when they come in. Doing the budget makes me depressed. I hate trying to figure out finances because it never seems like there is enough! So low. So sad. So down. A friend asked today "What one thing are you thankful for today?" It brought emotions I wasn't expecting. I am thankful that I have sight. I am thankful that Kinsley isn't as sick as she could be. I am thankful for doctors who know what they are doing. I am thankful for a new job brought to my husband by my savior! I posted a comment about this job landing in my husbands lap even though he wasn't looking for a new job. Someone gently reminded me that it didn't just land in his lap. My God gave it to him. He knew what we were going to go through and knew he would need a new job. I love this job already. He came home in such a good mood this morning. It's so amazing how the environment of a work place can affect one so much. It was awesome to hear a out his day. So happy. Soaring about all emotions. Smiling ear to ear. We also bought a new car. This brings happiness and stress. We bought it used and whi,e it is truly the best fit for our family and was an awesome deal, we will need to have a few things fixed. This is an up and down feeling. The hills of the roller coaster called life. One dag at a time. My Lord is carrying me through this life. I am going to continue to be positive. I am going to continue to choose to not give up. I am going to keep living in the word of my God. I am going to continue to find strength in him. He will rise above all else. He will be the one I praise even when feeling down. He will reign. Please continue to pray for us. Please pray that Kinsley feels better soon. Pray that emotions here get back on track. Pleas pray that we continue to make our focus to the Lord who saves us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. I think God tells all of you when we need a few extras because I can feel them during some of my saddest moments during the day. I then feel at peace.

God's got me... Right?

I first need to say sorry for the lack of update. Over the past two days I have hit an all time low on this journey. I finally felt like everything in life was gaining up on me and I was being swallowed hole. I was kicking and screaming and despite the fight I was still sinking. In fact I think I was making it worse! Over the past week so many things have gone worse then I expected. My van broke down, we had trouble with our electric, one of our other children has been acting out, and we are still trying to grieve Kinsley's vision. I figured out where I went wrong. I gave up. I just gave up. Life was to painful grieving the lost of Kinsleys sight and the more that went wrong the more I just wanted to give up. Our kids have noticed this and have begun acting out because mommy doesn't care. Mommy just wants to sit and feel sad. This in turn makes me more sad and angry. My husband has noticed my extra moodiness also. This is not like me. I'm the strong one! I never fall under pressure. I am do not shed a tear for fear it will make me look weak or vulnerable. How could I be letting this happen to me! Today I cried out God! God where are you? Why am I here. Why am I at the deepest point in this life? Why do I need to be the one you selected for this journey? I can't be strong any more Lord! I am to weak for this burden. Please, please take some from me. After I had finished praying I took out my book and card I had received. To very huge blessings that are still blessing me. I started reading my book. There it was, staring at me on the pages of this book. The answer to my prayer. The Lord said "Child it is all about choices! You need to choose not to give up, you need to choose how you are going to focus this new energy, and you need to choose me." The book I am reading is called Parents of Children with Disabilities a Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers by Press and Gena Barnhill. Reading the chapter in the book called now what I was reminded that I need to make choices. I can choose to give up, to walk away, to try to avoid this new path, but it will come with a price. It will hurt my husband, children, and me. If I give up my husband and my children will eventually move on and not be as hurt, but they will move on without me. I don't want this to happen! I want to be there for my children, all of them, especially Kinsley. I can also choose to invest my time solely into my child with disabilities, but this also comes with a price. My marriage and other children will suffer. Kinsley will suffer from me doing to much for her. I need to find the balance. I need to find the perfect balance between my husband, myself, my other children, and Kinsley. Will it be easy? Will I find the answer to this balance right away? Of course not! It will be trial and error. It will take patience and forgiveness. From reading this same chapter I also gained the knowledge that things change. People change, kids will change as they get older, the dreams and hopes will change. We need to make the choice to change with life. I was so gently reminded that while I am sitting here grieving all that Kinsley might not be able to do she will still have dreams! She will have dreams for her life just lime you and I have dreams for our life. Her dreams may or may not be the same. I needed that. I needed to be told that she won't just sit and lead a non productive life. She can thrive and succeed. This boom continues to be a blessing! I am enjoying it. It was the answer to my prayer this morning. This journey is really all about choices. How am I going to react to what we are dealing with? Am I going to give up? NO! My strength comes from the Lord creator of heaven and earth. I will choose to conquer this journey. I will choose to work hard at finding the balance in this life! A poem from this boom that has also hit a heart chord is titled Don't Quit Don't Quit! When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turn about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It see,s to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And be learned to late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out-- The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. ~Author Unknown This spoke volumes to my soul today. Im allowed to rest, take a break, recharge, but I can not give up! The race can be won. It could be right around the corner. If I give up now I might not know what the finish line looks like. Oh how God answers our prayers. I was also reminded today of the verse from Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." God knew my family was destin to be on this journey. I should feel honored he gave us this responsibility. He has a plan! I can't wait to see what it is. I know I will have bad days. I know I will feel like giving up again. I can then be reminded again that it is all about choices! Please continue to pray for our family. We had some issues come up with the insurance company. Our MRI is postponed. That was a big blow to the stomach. Our kids have gotten a little out of hand while mommy and daddy have been grieving. Please pray that we can get them back on track. Listening and obeying like they should. Pray that we find the balance we need to find for our marriage, our other children, and for Kinsley. It will be a process. Pray we find a ne vehicle quickly. Your prayers and support mean so much to our family. I would love to thank each of you individually. Please keep them coming. Thank you for letting me share our life with you. Even the tough stuff. Danyelle

Peace... To an extent

Peace is a hard thing to find on this journey the Lord as taken us down. It is full of what ifs and she wonts. It is full of why us and how can this be. I have managed to find peace to an extent. Don't get me wrong. At the beinning if this week my world was flipped upside down and shaken. I feel as someone took a thousand piece puzzle called life, shook the box, opened it up, and then dumped it on the floor. I'm working on finding the edges of this puzzle. Once I find the edges the rest will slowly fill in. Once I have these edges peace will be found. The edges of my puzzle are God, family, friends, prayers, answers, and good medical doctors. All the edges are in the pile they just need to be found. I need to find peace th my heavenly father. I need to know he choose this path for me and my family for a reason. I need to find all the pieces of his word that tell me he is carrying me through this. I need to trut that my family and friends will be there to support us. Be there when we call. Give us a shoulder to cry on our a ear to hear our pain. They are all in this pile. Finding the ones worthy of being an edge piece is tricky. They have to fit just right so I can find piece in this situation. Prayers. Prayers that I offer up to my father of my own, but also prayers that others offer on our behalf. Answers to my questions. What made Kinsley blind? How bad is it? As I find these answers and come to terms with what they truly are my edges will come together. Good medical doctors are a must. I need to trust the eye doctor and pediatrician to do what is right for Kinsley medically. These are the edges of my puzzle. These are the pieces that are still being found. I have hope. I have my God. After I have the boarder of my puzzle complete I can live life and fill in the picture. It will be a beautiful one at that. The picture on the box shows me a beautiful young girl that can do amazing and wonderful things. A young girl with a heart for God. A young girl who has no vision. Who is blind. The box shows me my daughter. MY daughter! Nothing will change that. I have found peace to an extent. I have been reading these words off a card my husband and I received in the mail. It reads: God holds our lives in His hands like precious stones, polishing each with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, of HIS promise, of HIS love. It brings peace to my heart. It also reminds me that once I'm out of this stage of picking up the peieces, of being polished, I will be shining for HIS purpose. He has a great plan for our family. I can feel it in my heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are far from being over our journey. We are still having good days and bad days. Please pray for us as we continue to explain to our older children about their sister. Please pray for Kinsley. May she grow up having peace in her heart and seeing the Lord even without her vision.