Love

I have felt all the love in the world today. Love for me, for my family, for our situation. On my way home from a bible study we do on Thursday nights I cried. I cried not because I was sad, but because I felt so loved.

My family loves me. I have no doubt of this. They are there for me, my husband, and my kids. They will always be there for us. They will love us through Kinsley's disabilities. They will love us when life gets tough, when life is messy. Of this there is no doubt. I have an excellent Mother, father, brother and sisters. I have a fabulous sister in law and great nephews. My in laws are just as wonderful. I get random emails from my sister in law that are often devotions I need to hear for the day. I have a brother that just loves on my children in the most gentle ways. They way he held onto Kinsley tonight just showed how much he loves and cares for her. The time he take to talk to each one of our kids. My mother never leaves me. Shes always there for me to talk to. She knows from experience the hardships it takes to raise a child with special needs. My dad is amazing also. The way his face shines when he hears our oldest call him "ganpa" or our Son ask him "whats in your truck?" is priceless. One of my sisters has handicaps and she just loves being an aunt. My other sister now lives 20 hours away and although we have never always gotten along I know the love she has for me, our family, and for her niece. She will always put our disagreements on life out of the way if it means supporting her family. My in-laws are wonderful. At first I felt as though I wasn't welcome into their family. I felt like I was the  last person they wanted their son to be with because I had two children already. In the past year they have done nothing, but make our family feel so loved. My mother in law helps feed my sewing addiction by going to the fabric stores with me. She comes over to help sew and we can talk about whatever. My father in law is always helping with the kids and loves being a grandpa. I am so blessed to have all of this family surrounding us during this journey.

Family is not the only way I have felt loved lately. I have been making some good connections with friends. I don't have many friends. Seeing as I stay at home with my kids I don't go out to do a lot. I don't make a lot of friends. Also if I make friends they might want to get close to our family. They might feel the pain of this journey we are on with Kinsley's vision. This scares me and therefore I stay away from making to many friends. I have reconnected with a friend, who I for a while felt so distant from. Things had happened between this friend and I. I though things would never feel good enough to be friends again. Well guess what? Tonight proved to me that she truly cares about our family. She truly loves us even though we are going through a difficult time. I can say that I felt loved. At bible study she even walked me through a different perspective of life that I didn't think about before. She spoke truth in my life. It wasn't just her that made me feel loved though. My whole bible study group did. They listened, the shared, the prayed for us. It was amazing. I left bible study feeling at peace. Happy even that I do truly have friends where I felt like I didn't really fit in. Most of all I am glad that I have a friend back. I cried. I cried all the way. Today was a great day! I am going to bed feeling blessed beyond measure.

Kinsley had a therapy appointment this morning. She is very limber. She has no resistance on the left side of her body. Her right side is weak also, but not to the extent of the left. We need to be doing some therapy 6 times a day for 20 minutes each time. Hopefully this will allow her to get her strength up so she can start sitting and reaching other milestones that need to be reached. Thank you for your continued prayer. Please pray that we find out the results of her MRI tomorrow. I really don't want to have to wait the whole weekend to find out on Monday. 

Upside Down and All Around

Please excuse my break from blogging. Oh how I have missed it. I needed to take a slight break to deal with life. It has kind of gotten out of control. So where do I start? Let me think about this.

I hope all of you had a very blessed Easter! I spent mine with family. Kinsley also go baptized. And it was her daddy's birthday. It was a packed weekend, but full of fun. Enjoy a picture of her in her outfit made my mommy!

Well this diagnosis is hard! The day I think it gets easier I get knocked right back down. Its hard to think about some days. With Kinsley being the only baby her age that we really know I don't ever seem to think of her as behind or delayed. She is just who she is. While this is still true. She is her own person, she is behind others her age. This was brought to my attention today. It was a smack in the face so to say. This life is hard. There are still days I want to cry.

After much hassle with the insurance company and the eye doctor Kinsley will have an MRI on April 23rd. I am scared and elated at the same time. I am so glad it is happening. That we will get an even clearer picture of what is happening in my poor baby girl's head, but I'm scared.

As I said, I have had a rough go about the past week or so. Life has brought me down. I have not been handling things well, which is what brought on the hiatus from blogging. I did realize the other day that blogging does help and therefore hopefully these breaks wont happen often.

Since Monday I have been doing something on my facebook wall to help me with this life I am trying to make sense of. I have been claiming victory in the name of my heavenly father over certain aspects of my day and feelings. Boy has this helped! If I say it out loud and share it publicly I have been more apt to actually feel that way. It has in turned made this house more peaceful, fun, and joyful. I have been able to release some of the pains I have been suffering.

A verse that I wear on a hat says this "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

The same thing goes for my Victory over statements. If I confess what I have victory over and believe them my life will be better! Not 100% free from the attacks of the devil, but I will be able to better handle life.

Please continue to pray for us. This journey is far from over. This journey has just begun. We are still dealing with it on a daily basis. Please continue to pray for strength and understand for my husband and I.

Truth is Hard

Today we had another visit to the eye doctor. Its sad to say that these appointments do not get any easier. The truth we have to endure is hard. It takes a toll emotionally. It pulls at our heart strings. It makes us cry.

Once again today we were told our baby was blind. There has been no change in her vision in the past four weeks. There probably will never be a change in her vision for as long as she lives. This is hard. It hurts. Each time we are reminded that she can not see, especially during this early time, is a slap in the face. Its a constant reminder that our baby girl was not born the way that we had hoped and prayed she would be born.

The truth is not only hard for us as her parents, but hard for others. Its hard for our family to accept the way that she is. Its hard for friends to know how to support us. It is hard for people in our church to know what the appropriate words are to say to us. The truth is hard! The truth quite frankly sucks. It is by far one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. I wish it wasn't so.

I ask all of you, whether you know us personally or are reading our blog from afar. Please, Please, Please think before you speak. Think about how we or others around you who may be going through something similar are feeling before you speak. Please understand that some of the comments that you may make might hurt. They might be that slap in the face that we have been feeling so often lately. So many people just are not sure how to be sensitive to our process of grieve. The truth is hard and more then anything in the world we want our baby girl to see, but its just not going to happen right now. God could still provide us with a miracle. He can restore out baby with sight any time he wants. This is my prayer all the time. Right now his answer is no and that's okay. He is carrying our family through this time.

I am going to continue to lean on God during this time. I am going to keep telling God how I feel. I'm going to let him wrap his arms around me and say "It's okay child, I have got you." I am going to let him be my shoulder to cry on.

Please continue to pray for us. This is a long hard journey where the truth of the situation still hurts. It still cuts a deep pain in our hearts. It still brings tears to my eyes. Please pray that we will continue to make it through this journey. Please pray that the next steps we need to take will go smoothly. We have therapy appointments, MRI, and more coming up. Please just join us in praying over Kinsley.

Husbands

I have to admit something. While my husband and I sometimes disagree he always has my back. He is there for me no matter what. He is truly my number one cheerleader, support, and friend. He is everything I could ask for. Do I get angry with him? Do I get upset by some things he does or doesnt do? Do we have our moments when we disagree? OF COURSE! What married couple doesnt?

For those of you that don't know. I met my husband in highschool. After going our serprate ways our senior year I got married, had my oldest daughter, got divorced, and had my son. After going through a program at our church called Freedom in Christ I was feeling much better about life. I was feeling released from a lot of baggage. I was telling my pastor how I wonder what life would have been like if my husband and I would have stayed together. I wonder what he was doing right then and there. Not that I would give up my children to have a different life. Not that I would give up the experiences I went .through to have a different life. They make me who I am today. I am strong. I am confident. I am independant. Four hours later my husband showed up to where I was living. He asked my mother where he could find me. I was home. It was the most shocking thing I had been through. The first words out of my mouth were I have two children. He didnt run. In fact he came inside and we talked. We have been together ever since. He has been by my side for every rocky ride I have taken. He has been by my side through every joy that I have gone through.

The Lord knew we were meant to be together. I have been especially thankful for him lately. He just has really stepped up the game. He has been so supportive of my business, of my housework, and of my job with the kids. He has been by my side to help. He has been doing one of "my" chores every night when he gets home. Today he vacuumed. He has been helping spray paint the framework of the chairs I am working on for my next craft fair. He has been helping bath the kids. Bathing the kids is almost an every day job now that its nice outside and they spend so much time in the dirt. He puts them to bed while I nurse Kinsley. He has been my helpmate. He truly shows me he cares about each one of us.

He has equally been my support through my depression and my rough time with Kinsley's diagnosis. He is there when I need a shoulder to cry on. He is there to help with the kids when I need a few minutes alone. He is there for whatever comes our way. Without him I am not sure where I would be. He is my love. My best friend. My world.