Another blow

Yesterday I was a little on the sad side so I decided not to post an update. We took Butterfly Girl for a second opinion in regards to her vision. Not because we don't trust the eye doctor we see, but because we just wanted to know we were giving her the best quality of life and that they agreed with our current doctor. A tiny piece of my heart wished that they would say she had perfect vision. That she could see and our other eye doctor was crazy.

As you can imagine her eyes were not perfect. She still has CVI. She still can only see some of the day and not others. Based on calculations from the VIT and the eye doctors she sees any where from 10-20 perfect of the day. It was a blow to my heart. Why? I knew it was coming. It was a blow because I had gotten my hopes up. It was a blow because after 6 months of knowing something was wrong with her vision it isn't any easier then it was then. I cried. I cried lots. Its hard to know your child will have to live with a life altering condition their whole life.

Then something I was not expecting happened. Butterfly Girl is farsighted when she is able to see. We were told that her farsightedness is getting worse. This is not something we wanted to hear. That means when she does see shes seeing worse and worse pictures. This eye doctor did tell us to use the glasses all the time unless she is sleeping. If we use the glasses that gives her the best quality picture when she is seeing throughout the day. In turn this gives her a better quality of life. So while this is a blow to my heart again, I know that she will have a better life because we saw this doctor. She will have a better life wearing glasses even when she can not see.

Please continue to pray for us. This journey is hard and long. It is never over. It will never leave us. We can not just jump off and say we no longer want to be on it. We need to follow this path. We need to see where God is leading us. We need prayer. We need support and well wishes. Thank you to those who read our blog. Thank you to those of you who pray. 

Carrying the Burden

Lord, will you please carry this burden I hold. Will you please take it away. I don't want it. I can't handle it.

Child, this is not a burden, but a joy. You must find joy in all things I have given you. You must find joy my child. Joy will bring you through. The burden will lift if you find beauty in the way I have created your life.

This was the conversation God and I had today. Right now I feel like I am carrying life's burdens. Every day, everything feels like a burden. I have felt like Kinsley being blind is a burden. I have felt like my other kids being naughty has been a burden. I have felt like my husband wanting to spend time with me has been a burden. Not to mention laundry, dishes, and everything else I need to do as a wife, mother, and homemaker.

I try to have life in order. I try to make sure everyone gets done what needs to get done. I try to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible. I try to make sure that I do it all. I carry the burden becasue I don't think any one else can do it as well as I can. I carry the burden because I don't feel like someone else wants to help. I carry the burden because thats who I am. If you asked me right this minute to help you move from one end of the house to the other I would. That's who I am. That's how I was raised.

Today the burden finally crushed me. I was in tears. I spent the day fighting for my child. Advocating for what my precious blind baby needs. I spend the day rocking her and getting her to sleep for five minutes just for her to be awake again. I spent the day discipling my two year old who is going through the dreaded terrible twos. I spent the day feeling quilty that my sweet, loving little boy has been neglected in all of this. I feel that way because he is so good. He doesnt complain. He plays so nicely by himself. I spent the late afternoon trying to wrangle in the attitude of my almost 6 year old. My mind was other places as well. I needed to work on my website for the business. I need to sew the girls' Easter dresses. I need to print off some papers. I need to do this and that.

My husband called after he was done with work and I told him everything that happend during the day. He was short with me. He had a meeting to go to. I so just wanted him to stop everything he was doing and listen but he couldn't. It wasnt in his time or plans. After hanging up with him I cried. I couldnt carry this burden any more. So I went to my heavenly father. This is where we had the conversation above.

I have been looking at all of these things as a burden. Im looking at life all wrong. I need to find the joy in all things! I need to find joy in my almost 6 year old throwing her attitude around. It means that she if forming thoughts and opinions. It means she is alive and well. I need to see the joy in a son that is so content to play by himself. I need to find the joy in Kinsley being blind. There is joy in it all! There is JOY I just need to find it.

Does that mean I will be happy all the time? Does that mean that I will never feel like I am carrying this burden all by myself? Does this mean that I will feel like this burden is going to crush me again? I don't think so. I think at different points on this journey all of those things will feel like they will happen again. I won't be happy all the time. I will have my sad days, my sad hours, or moments. I will have those times where I feel like I'm doing it alone. Like I'm the only one carrying the burden. I then need to remind myself that its not the case. God sent a whole community of believers to surround me and my family. I have many a church members that I can call on if I need to. I need to swallow my pride and let others know that I need them.

Carrying the burden is hard, but its not near as hard when you have God. Its even easier to carry the burden when you look for the JOY in all things big and small, easy or hard.

Truth is Hard

Today we had another visit to the eye doctor. Its sad to say that these appointments do not get any easier. The truth we have to endure is hard. It takes a toll emotionally. It pulls at our heart strings. It makes us cry.

Once again today we were told our baby was blind. There has been no change in her vision in the past four weeks. There probably will never be a change in her vision for as long as she lives. This is hard. It hurts. Each time we are reminded that she can not see, especially during this early time, is a slap in the face. Its a constant reminder that our baby girl was not born the way that we had hoped and prayed she would be born.

The truth is not only hard for us as her parents, but hard for others. Its hard for our family to accept the way that she is. Its hard for friends to know how to support us. It is hard for people in our church to know what the appropriate words are to say to us. The truth is hard! The truth quite frankly sucks. It is by far one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. I wish it wasn't so.

I ask all of you, whether you know us personally or are reading our blog from afar. Please, Please, Please think before you speak. Think about how we or others around you who may be going through something similar are feeling before you speak. Please understand that some of the comments that you may make might hurt. They might be that slap in the face that we have been feeling so often lately. So many people just are not sure how to be sensitive to our process of grieve. The truth is hard and more then anything in the world we want our baby girl to see, but its just not going to happen right now. God could still provide us with a miracle. He can restore out baby with sight any time he wants. This is my prayer all the time. Right now his answer is no and that's okay. He is carrying our family through this time.

I am going to continue to lean on God during this time. I am going to keep telling God how I feel. I'm going to let him wrap his arms around me and say "It's okay child, I have got you." I am going to let him be my shoulder to cry on.

Please continue to pray for us. This is a long hard journey where the truth of the situation still hurts. It still cuts a deep pain in our hearts. It still brings tears to my eyes. Please pray that we will continue to make it through this journey. Please pray that the next steps we need to take will go smoothly. We have therapy appointments, MRI, and more coming up. Please just join us in praying over Kinsley.

Monkey Girl turned 2!

Wow! It's amazing how fast these young years go by. I can't believe our monkey is 2! We had quite the monkey party yesterday. It was a great time of fellowship with family and friends. Our monkey got lots of great gifts and she couldnt decide what to play with first. The love and support from our family and friends was evident yesterday. God has given us a gift. God has given us two amazing years and we pray he gives us many more. Two years ago on the day Monkey Girl was born we had snow. Today it was in the 80's and we were all wearing shorts! Crazy how different things can be in two years. Happy birthday baby! May you have many more. Because we celebrated yesterday we didn't do a whole lot today. I started my morning as positive as I could. I got discouraged though after finding out my afternoon wasn't going to go as planed which in turned messed up my morning. I don't do well with change. I dislike what I can not control. I spent the day in town. This I don't normally I unless I have to. Staying in town meant I could not get done what I wanted to get done at home. That is fusterating. I need to get as much done as possible during the day so I have time to work at night. Another reason I was feeling a bit down today was because our Early Intervention meeting didn't go so well on Friday and it's still eating me. Kinsley's eye doctor says one thing, my own observation tells me one thing, and they told me the exact opposite. They said she doesn't need services and to call them back if she needs them later. This makes me fusterared because she needs services now! She doesn't use her feet, she doesn't do tummy time well. She needs help. I need help helping her. It's eating at me today. It's making me sad. It makes me feel lost. It makes me feel helpless. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I got sent this in an email from a friend! How true! I need to remember this often. God will get me through.

To long

Its been way to long since I've blogged last. I've been super busy trying to figure out a schedule that works for our family. I am trying to find a balance between my work, my family, and relaxation. It's quite a task. I think I am finally coming to a good routine. I am feeling better about life when I am in a good groove. I fell off my groove the other day and once I do it throws me off for a few days, this is why I haven't blogged. My depression sometimes gets me down over things I can't figure out. I lost a very important piece to my brand new machine. I couldn't find it and therefore my machine would not work. I was upset and angry at myself for losing this part. This then caused me to over sleep and be pretty mopey all day. That turned into me not sticking to my routine and being more upset the next morning because all of those chores I do at night so I can wake up to a clean house were not done. I got back on top of it th next day, but I can still fell the anxiousness. Part of this anxiousness is because my schedule is off today, tomorrow, and Sunday. Today we had the therapists come out. This was both fusterating and angering. They told me my child could see even though I politely showed them why the doctor said she can't. To get her to track objects they were using beads and other things that make noise. I told them that if they took the noise portion out of the equation that she stopped tracking. Sure enough they saw that, but it wasn't enough for them to be concerned. She still lifts her head and moves for the noise. They also didn't address that her head still is down most of the time or the fact that she doesn't really care to use her legs. I am outraged. Help my baby! Help me help my baby! I really just wanted to cry. I needed to try to pick myself up. I need to try not to let it get to me, but it does. I then went with my husband to FIRST Robotics. They are having a competion on our home turf and because he mentors we wanted to show support. Tomorrow we will be going back to ROBOTICS. I will also be getting ready for my Monkey Girls Birthday Party. We are having a monkey theme. It will be fun, but the day won't be how it normally is. This throws me off. Sundaynis the party which will make the day off. Please pray for peace as we go through the next couple of days and they are not how I normally spend them. Please continue to pray for Kinsley. They are felt. They are needed.

All Good Streaks Come to an End

I was having some really good days. Like I posted yesterday despite taking my depression meds I have been doing a really job being able to pick myself up when things have been thrown in my path. Today was the end of that streak. Today has been another really hard day. I feel as though I have been kicked down by those closet to me. I feel like I have made mistakes that are bad I guess. I'm not really sure. I guess making people I haven't realized I made my mad. I'm mad myself people! I'm struggling to figure all this out myself. I'm bund to slip up. I'm bound to make mistakes. I am human after all. I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate this new world. I'm scared to let people help. If I let people help then they might feel this pain I feel. If people help I don't know how they will handle my very colicky, fussy, whiny baby. She's my burden to carry because I chose to have her. Not that I see her as a burden, but others might if they had to care for her. Kelly and I were the ones that chose to have four children. We should deal with it right? I'm feeling as though today I've not done a single thing right. I have been told today the things I have d. Wrong this past week. It stings. It hurts. I'm down. Im crying. I need to stay strong. I also need grace. I need the Lord to help me. I need him to also show others that I am trying. That it's just hard. Hurt. Sad. Crying. That is how I will finish this day. The good days have had their run. Maye tomorrow they can stop by again. Today they were beaten by sadness. Im to tried to try to be happy any more today. The one good things a out today is I was asked to help some girl scouts on their sewing badge. It makes me feel good that someone thought of me to use my talent sewing to help some girls learn. In all the sadness today there was something good. I'm glad I was asked to help. It makes me feel like I have a talent and that I can help others instead of someone always helping me. Please join us in prayer. I need strength. I need understanding. I need grace. Please pray tomorrow is a happier day. Danyelle

Highs and lows

I have been having a few pretty good days with the minor kinks thrown in. Despite not taking my depression meds I have been feeling decent. I do have the occasional anxiety attack which brings me down for a while but I have been able to pick back up. I am a little out of sorts tonight. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling rushed. I'm feeling behind. My meds would help me not feel anxious. I must get them. I need to try to get the script tomorrow and head over to the free med clinic we have in town. I spent about an hour talking to my in laws tonight. While it was great conversation and nice to get out of the house I am paying the price of anxiety because I haven't completed my tasks that needed to get done as of yet. I stil, have a while of my night left to go. I am feeling hurt by words that were sad. I was told I needed to give up this kick that Kinsley is blind. I was told this by someone close to me. How can I give up this "kick" when the medical professionals we have seen have told us she is blind. How can I give up this "kick" when if I give it up that she may never get the help she needs. How can I give up on the fact that my child IS blind. I need to accept reality. I need to do with what I have been given. Is this what I wanted for m baby? Is this how I planed my life to be? No! It is most certainly not what I wanted, but it was what the Lord h provided me. Hurt, sad, lost. I am starting to get myself back. Realizing I'm a night person and would rather stay up Kate then go to bed esrly is huge! I stil get 7 hours of sleep (interrupted of course), but without getting up way early. I would rather get chores done by staying up later then everyone else in the house then getting up before the kids. I also like that because I stay up and get so much done I can take an afternoon nap with my munchkins. This helps me catch up because of the interruptions I get at night thanks to Miss Kinsley. I am also glad to be sewing again. This is something I really enjoy. I love creating new things, I love making them for others. I love that I can make money off from it which is helping provide for my family! Mix emotions tonight. Please pray. Pray my anxiety attacks will go away. Please pray for Kelly and I to keep our relationship strong. Please pray for all these uncertain things we still don't know about Kinsleys vision. Please pray that we can keep coming to peace with her blindness. Please pray that nothing stands in our way. Danyelle

All falling into place

This journey has me on such a roller coaster. I go from the darkest pit to feeling like I can be happy and back again. Over the past few days I have been feeling over all pretty well. There are a few times during the day that I feel lost, dark, and down. I came to this conculsion after talking to a very dear friend. I lost myself. I let myself go so deep into the pit of darkness I gave up all the little techniques I used to keep me going. I used these tools to keep me feeling safe, secure, and on track. I gave them all up because I was so sad. I gave them up because other people thought it was funny that I needed these things to make me happy. I am a very routine, schedule, lists type person. Without these things I feel lost. I feel insecure. People didn't think I needed these things to be happy, but I do. If I didn't have friends to talk to I would have never figured it out. I would have kept on going in my darkness. Now I have a plan. I'm back to my lists and schedules. Want to know what's great? My friends and family are there for me, if Kinsley has a rough day, I get sick, we have lots of appointments or whatever they are there to tell me it'd okay if my lists didnt get done. They are also there to tell me when I have put to much stuff on my list. They are there. It'd amazing to feel like I have support. Kelly tried to test Kinlsey's vision again the other night. We both have hopes that maybe one day we will be shocked and she will be able to see out of no where. This wasn't the case the other night. Still no sign of vision. We really need to stop testing it. We really need to start coming to terms with the fact that this is how it will be. This is our life. Our baby is blind. We need to try not to lose each other, we need to try to make sure our other kids feel like the belong, we need time to ourselves so our whole family can process. It is tough this journey. It is tough. Please continue to pray. Kelly and I are both very stressed from the care Kinsley requires. It sometimes causes problems. See get angry wit each other, with our other kids, and with Kinsley. Pray we continue to take the steps we need to take in seeking help to make it through on this journey. Dany.

A shining light!

The Lord my God is my light. He is my shining star. I shall lean on him through this dark time. The on,y one who knows the extent of darkness I am feeling on this journey is God. I am trying to hold it together for my husband, my children, my family and my friends. I don't want any one to know what is deep within my heart. The pain is to much for some else to bear. The Lord is the only one capable of bearing my load. He is the only one that will carry my burdens without complaint. I can feel him holding onto me tonight. I can hear him says "Dear child, we can make it, you will survive. I have a plan for you and it goes way beyond what you can imagine." Over the course of the last few days I have had this feeling, this urge, to write a boom. Maybe that is why I blog. Maybe some day my blog will turn into an inspiring story of how you can go from finding out you baby is blind and still come out alive. Maybe my story will be an inspiration to others. Maybe my story will be a hope in a time of darkness. I know what the darkness and grieving for the futur of a child is like. I do it ever day. One of these days I need to get past this grieving. One of these days I need to get through this storm. So many things seem to be causing me to stay in this storm. So many things are hard. I will tell you this. The Lord has surrounded me with blessing though. My mother in law and I are getting closer through this experience. I am thankful for that. The Lord gave be the worlds greatest friend. We will call her Mommy Bean here on the blog. She comes with her son Bean and watches the kids while I work. She is a listening ear when I need to chat. She is a shoulder to cry on, a distraction when I need it, and a hug any time. She has carried me through some of my darkest days without even realizing she has done it. Her and I have been friends since before my Monkey girl and her Bean were even born. Monkey girl and Bean are destined to be married some day. The Lord knew I would need her through this journey. Today is a better day despite after testing Kinsleys sight she still wasnt tracking. I need to start realizing that testing it myself isn't going to produce the results I want. I need to come to terms with the hand I have been dealt. One positive is I got to sell some of my work at a craft show. I was able to spend time with my family. I also got lots of snuggles from the baby before she feel asleep. I need to have more of these days then the bad days. I like these days better. Oh and something else I love, on those days I'm really really struggling, God shows my sister in law a devotional to pass on to me. Seriouly, every time I am struggling with something it is like she just knows. Every time it has spoke right to my heart. It is seriously amazing how God is bringing me closer to the people he knows care about my well being. Today was a good day start to finish. Praying tomorrow can be just as great. Will you being praying with me? Please do pray for our family. Pray for me to start having more good days. Pray that Early on starts coming like they said. Pray that we make it through one day at a time. Dany

Deep, dark pit

Sorry for not blogging I'm the past few days. I have been busy with life, but also in the darkest pit of my life. I never imagined this journey to have so many tears. I never imagined this journey to be so dark. I never imagined the new senesativity I would have to comments from others. I never knew what it would be like to walk this journey. Life is full of unknowns. Life will never be ther way we picture it. All we can do is stive to make things better. W can strive to act like life is fine. This is the road I've been on. I've been acting like nothing has gotten me down. Like CIA conquer the world. Over the past few days it has bee hard to keep up this facade. This perfect life of no sadness. My day never ends. Al, my days blur together. All my days take every ounce of effort I have. We had Knsley back in the ER tuesday night. All she did was scram for 3+ hours. She wouldn't stop. My husband and I tried everything. Turns our her ear was the culprit of the unconsolable crying. The ear drops help some. I'm never early sure when she is hurting or just crabby because she cries almost every hour. She cries a ton. The past few days I have been working. For those of you that don't know what I do I work for home. I sew many cite things for babies and young children. I've been working to get things done for a mom2mo sale a local church is putting on. I am excited. Working from home is a blessing and a curse. While I have an amazing friend here to watch the kids while I get my work done I can also hear them asking for me. Can hear when they are being naughty and feel bad that my kids are not bring perfect for the one watching them. All of these things I need to do, the fact that I'm still coming to terms with I Kinsleys lose of vision have me at the bottom of life. I am sad. We are without insurance for the next month and I wasnt able to refill my depression meds before it the other insurance ended. I am fighting tooth and nail with the Early Intervention program in our area to test our sweet baby girl the services that she needs. I am also fighting the insurance company to make sure they cover our sweet baby girl once the new insurance kicks in. Add on a house to clean, dishes to do, kids to play with and love, a husband, and much more you can see why I am a mess. I need help, but despite a select few people I barely get the help I need. My husband does what he can when he is home. My best friend comes to watch the kids while I work. And my mom helps, that is the extent. Oh how I wish we could afford a house cleaning service. Oh how I wish I didn't feel guilty about going out on a girls night. I am going to hang onto my faith. I am going to love my God with all my heart. I am going to trust in him. He will be with me even in this dark pit that I am. He is going to carry me to the light. Please keep our family in your prayers. Please keep me in your prayers. Oh and watch for pictures to come tonight of all the cool stuff I will be bringing to the mom2mom sale this weekend. Danyelle

Ups and downs.

This crazy life I live is full of ups and downs. Not only can my sweet baby girl not see she is sick. She is having breathing difficulties. She also has an ear infection. I feel so bad for her. All she has done all day is cry or whine. Nothing makes her feel better. I wish I could take her pain away. I wish I could make her see. I wish I could take all of her sickness away! I went from having a fabulous vacation which was high on happy emotions to another very low point. I am remembering my book. It's all about choices. I need to choose the high road. I sat down and did the dreaded budget. This is one thing my husband and I never agree on and it as o different tonight. The planner in me wants to have all the numbers crunched and if they don't match up I want to have a plan to make up the differnence. He on the ther hand says just lay the bills when they come in. Doing the budget makes me depressed. I hate trying to figure out finances because it never seems like there is enough! So low. So sad. So down. A friend asked today "What one thing are you thankful for today?" It brought emotions I wasn't expecting. I am thankful that I have sight. I am thankful that Kinsley isn't as sick as she could be. I am thankful for doctors who know what they are doing. I am thankful for a new job brought to my husband by my savior! I posted a comment about this job landing in my husbands lap even though he wasn't looking for a new job. Someone gently reminded me that it didn't just land in his lap. My God gave it to him. He knew what we were going to go through and knew he would need a new job. I love this job already. He came home in such a good mood this morning. It's so amazing how the environment of a work place can affect one so much. It was awesome to hear a out his day. So happy. Soaring about all emotions. Smiling ear to ear. We also bought a new car. This brings happiness and stress. We bought it used and whi,e it is truly the best fit for our family and was an awesome deal, we will need to have a few things fixed. This is an up and down feeling. The hills of the roller coaster called life. One dag at a time. My Lord is carrying me through this life. I am going to continue to be positive. I am going to continue to choose to not give up. I am going to keep living in the word of my God. I am going to continue to find strength in him. He will rise above all else. He will be the one I praise even when feeling down. He will reign. Please continue to pray for us. Please pray that Kinsley feels better soon. Pray that emotions here get back on track. Pleas pray that we continue to make our focus to the Lord who saves us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. I think God tells all of you when we need a few extras because I can feel them during some of my saddest moments during the day. I then feel at peace.

God's got me... Right?

I first need to say sorry for the lack of update. Over the past two days I have hit an all time low on this journey. I finally felt like everything in life was gaining up on me and I was being swallowed hole. I was kicking and screaming and despite the fight I was still sinking. In fact I think I was making it worse! Over the past week so many things have gone worse then I expected. My van broke down, we had trouble with our electric, one of our other children has been acting out, and we are still trying to grieve Kinsley's vision. I figured out where I went wrong. I gave up. I just gave up. Life was to painful grieving the lost of Kinsleys sight and the more that went wrong the more I just wanted to give up. Our kids have noticed this and have begun acting out because mommy doesn't care. Mommy just wants to sit and feel sad. This in turn makes me more sad and angry. My husband has noticed my extra moodiness also. This is not like me. I'm the strong one! I never fall under pressure. I am do not shed a tear for fear it will make me look weak or vulnerable. How could I be letting this happen to me! Today I cried out God! God where are you? Why am I here. Why am I at the deepest point in this life? Why do I need to be the one you selected for this journey? I can't be strong any more Lord! I am to weak for this burden. Please, please take some from me. After I had finished praying I took out my book and card I had received. To very huge blessings that are still blessing me. I started reading my book. There it was, staring at me on the pages of this book. The answer to my prayer. The Lord said "Child it is all about choices! You need to choose not to give up, you need to choose how you are going to focus this new energy, and you need to choose me." The book I am reading is called Parents of Children with Disabilities a Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers by Press and Gena Barnhill. Reading the chapter in the book called now what I was reminded that I need to make choices. I can choose to give up, to walk away, to try to avoid this new path, but it will come with a price. It will hurt my husband, children, and me. If I give up my husband and my children will eventually move on and not be as hurt, but they will move on without me. I don't want this to happen! I want to be there for my children, all of them, especially Kinsley. I can also choose to invest my time solely into my child with disabilities, but this also comes with a price. My marriage and other children will suffer. Kinsley will suffer from me doing to much for her. I need to find the balance. I need to find the perfect balance between my husband, myself, my other children, and Kinsley. Will it be easy? Will I find the answer to this balance right away? Of course not! It will be trial and error. It will take patience and forgiveness. From reading this same chapter I also gained the knowledge that things change. People change, kids will change as they get older, the dreams and hopes will change. We need to make the choice to change with life. I was so gently reminded that while I am sitting here grieving all that Kinsley might not be able to do she will still have dreams! She will have dreams for her life just lime you and I have dreams for our life. Her dreams may or may not be the same. I needed that. I needed to be told that she won't just sit and lead a non productive life. She can thrive and succeed. This boom continues to be a blessing! I am enjoying it. It was the answer to my prayer this morning. This journey is really all about choices. How am I going to react to what we are dealing with? Am I going to give up? NO! My strength comes from the Lord creator of heaven and earth. I will choose to conquer this journey. I will choose to work hard at finding the balance in this life! A poem from this boom that has also hit a heart chord is titled Don't Quit Don't Quit! When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turn about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It see,s to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And be learned to late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out-- The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. ~Author Unknown This spoke volumes to my soul today. Im allowed to rest, take a break, recharge, but I can not give up! The race can be won. It could be right around the corner. If I give up now I might not know what the finish line looks like. Oh how God answers our prayers. I was also reminded today of the verse from Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." God knew my family was destin to be on this journey. I should feel honored he gave us this responsibility. He has a plan! I can't wait to see what it is. I know I will have bad days. I know I will feel like giving up again. I can then be reminded again that it is all about choices! Please continue to pray for our family. We had some issues come up with the insurance company. Our MRI is postponed. That was a big blow to the stomach. Our kids have gotten a little out of hand while mommy and daddy have been grieving. Please pray that we can get them back on track. Listening and obeying like they should. Pray that we find the balance we need to find for our marriage, our other children, and for Kinsley. It will be a process. Pray we find a ne vehicle quickly. Your prayers and support mean so much to our family. I would love to thank each of you individually. Please keep them coming. Thank you for letting me share our life with you. Even the tough stuff. Danyelle

Peace... To an extent

Peace is a hard thing to find on this journey the Lord as taken us down. It is full of what ifs and she wonts. It is full of why us and how can this be. I have managed to find peace to an extent. Don't get me wrong. At the beinning if this week my world was flipped upside down and shaken. I feel as someone took a thousand piece puzzle called life, shook the box, opened it up, and then dumped it on the floor. I'm working on finding the edges of this puzzle. Once I find the edges the rest will slowly fill in. Once I have these edges peace will be found. The edges of my puzzle are God, family, friends, prayers, answers, and good medical doctors. All the edges are in the pile they just need to be found. I need to find peace th my heavenly father. I need to know he choose this path for me and my family for a reason. I need to find all the pieces of his word that tell me he is carrying me through this. I need to trut that my family and friends will be there to support us. Be there when we call. Give us a shoulder to cry on our a ear to hear our pain. They are all in this pile. Finding the ones worthy of being an edge piece is tricky. They have to fit just right so I can find piece in this situation. Prayers. Prayers that I offer up to my father of my own, but also prayers that others offer on our behalf. Answers to my questions. What made Kinsley blind? How bad is it? As I find these answers and come to terms with what they truly are my edges will come together. Good medical doctors are a must. I need to trust the eye doctor and pediatrician to do what is right for Kinsley medically. These are the edges of my puzzle. These are the pieces that are still being found. I have hope. I have my God. After I have the boarder of my puzzle complete I can live life and fill in the picture. It will be a beautiful one at that. The picture on the box shows me a beautiful young girl that can do amazing and wonderful things. A young girl with a heart for God. A young girl who has no vision. Who is blind. The box shows me my daughter. MY daughter! Nothing will change that. I have found peace to an extent. I have been reading these words off a card my husband and I received in the mail. It reads: God holds our lives in His hands like precious stones, polishing each with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, of HIS promise, of HIS love. It brings peace to my heart. It also reminds me that once I'm out of this stage of picking up the peieces, of being polished, I will be shining for HIS purpose. He has a great plan for our family. I can feel it in my heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are far from being over our journey. We are still having good days and bad days. Please pray for us as we continue to explain to our older children about their sister. Please pray for Kinsley. May she grow up having peace in her heart and seeing the Lord even without her vision.

HOPE came in the form of Blessings

Today has been a rough day emotionally. I've cried for the majority of the day. Feeling isolated and alone. No o e knows what I am going through. I show people the strong, take charge, non emotional side of me. I smile and at God will bring us through this. I believe he will. He will bring us out on top for his glory. It doesn't change though that I am human and that I feel sad. No one I know is blind. I have no one to share this experience with on a personal level. No one I know is raising a child with no vision. Who am I supposed to get support and advice from? Who am I supposed to turn to when a new challenge arises? It's been a rough day. Kinsley didn't sleep well the previous night and the older kids were up at 6:30am fighting. Everyone started the day in a bad mood. It was only going to get worse. I couldn't wait till nap time. Kinsley screamed a blood curdling scream unless I was holding her. She slept no more then twenty minutes at a time. Myla was also more crabby then normal. Tears and lots of them happened today. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse or better for that matter I went to get the mail. The little girls were sleeping. The big kids were playing nice. It was time for me to get some fresh air, walk to the end of the driveway, and get the mail. In the mail I found two little blessings. I never would have guessed these things were coming in the mail. God knew though. He knew that today was the day that I would need those words of hope and encouragement. The first one I opened was a card from Kelly's aunt and uncle. It gave me a message of hope. It said that God holds our lives in his hands like a precious stone, polishing it with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, HIS promise, and HIS love. This is HOPE! This is what we will strive for. Even in our grief we want to be a reflection of God's purpose, promise, and love. I have put this card by my lamp next to my bed. These words will be my hope. God is just doing a work in our lives so that his Kingdom can shine. We may be kicking and screaming right now, but we will end up on the other side. It will be okay. Our other piece of hope came in the mail today also. This piece of hope was in an amazon box. I had to think about if I had ordered something or not. No I didn't think I did. If I had I didn't remember. Slowly I open the box seeing if I could jog my memory. I swear I didn't buy anything. Inside the box is a book and a note. The note stated that this person and church was thinking of my family and praying for us as e travel this road. The book was perfect. It is called Parenting Childre with Disablities: A Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers. I've read the first 2 chapters already and love it. I'm not alone. Other parents have experienced similar feelings when hearing their child has a disability. I am super excited to get to the chapter on how to make our marriage survive when have a special needs child. Kelly and I aren't having trouble, but making sure we are sticking together as one now will keep it that way. Our vacation coming up will help us renew our identity away from the kids and as a couple. This gift showed me people care about me and my family. People are praying for us. People are sharing words of hope to our family. For all of these people I am thankful. Please continue to pray for us. Pray that we can stay positive. Pray that we continue to make our family strong despite this set back. Pray that we stay strong in our faith and let the Lord carry us through. Oh and a funny. Kinsley was screaming in her swing (not funny part) and I needed to quick vacuum. So I let her fuss. Once I turned the vacuum on she stopped and was smiling away. The minute I turned off the vacuum she started again. So I did an exleriment. Sure enough she loves the vacuum. She thinks it's funny. Thank you for your continued support, grace, and love. Danyelle

Love, love, love

Valentines day. Do I need to celebrate love and happiness? There is so much sadness in my life today. How can I possibly be happy and show love. Those were the thoughts that traveled through my mind first thing this morning. I needed to take these thoughts captive. I needed throw them out. Of course I need to celebrate love and happiness. I have kids, a husband, family, and friends. What isn't there to celebrate. With my new mindset I started the day. I got my energetic 5 year old ready for her very exciting valentines party. Got all the other kids ready and then headed out. Once home from dropping Ondrea off at school I had to make a choice. A. Sit on my butt all day and be sad. B. clean like a mad women and let the kids do whatever. Or C. Spend some time with the kids to keep my mind from bringing me to that sad place. So I played. I blew up some red balloons. I drew hearts on the, and wrote each of my childrens names. One on each balloon. We tossed them in the air, played catch, and then rubbed them on our heads to make our hair stand up. It was a blast! I'm so glad I chose to play. I don't want my kids to se me down or sad all the time because of Kinsley. I need to be strong. We had Parents as Teachers come out for an hour today to do some play activites with Kinsley. It was fun. They will continue to be a huge support for our family. It was now time for lunch. Then the kids went down for a nap. This is where my day went down hill. In the silence I sat. No one to talk to. No one to play with. Silence. My thoughts began to get worse. My thoughts turned against my choice to be positive. Why me Lord? Why me? I want my baby to see my face. I want her to see her own beauty. Lord why? Lord wake me up from this nightmare I am having. What did I do to make her this way? The thoughts kept coming. I was feeling worse. I sat. At in silence with my thoughts. I cried. This journey is hard. I need to walk it with the right light. And so I did. I opened my bible and there we Psalms 23. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. I dont HAVE to be afarid of this blindness. His rod and his staff they comfort me. These are comforting words. He knows I'm on this road. The Lord brought me to it, but he is not making me do it alone. Getting into his word every day, talking to friends and family, I am surrounded by love. God loves me. God loves Kinsley. I thought I would tell you all the reason why I love my husband and each of my children. Kelly - He is my rock. He provided for this family at all cost. He cares about his children. He loves teaching them new things. He is a great friend and even better husband. Ondrea - My first born. A special kind of love. Strong willed yet super sweet. Her love of music and dancing is beyond my knowledge. She has a heart of gold and a love for God that anyone would be jealous of. Parker - My only boy. A special kind of love also. Sweet and tender hearted. He loves all people all the time. He feels bad when people get hurt. He helps with dishes and with laundry. He will some day make a great husband, Myla - My tornado. Full of life and energy. She is funny. She loves to talk. She is so independent. She has the best snuggles, hugs, and kisses. I love her protection over her sister. Kinsley - I love the smile on this sweet baby girls face when she hears my voice. I love how she beams ear to war when she knows it is her momma talking to her. It makes me happy through all this sadness. Love! You never know when your world will turn upside so love! Love, love , love!

Tears, Prayers, and Hope

Today made our reality official. At 9:15am we went to the eye doctor. In the exam room i felt my body begi to fill with fear. My heart was in my stomach and mu hands were shaking. This was by far the hardest moment yet. Waiting. We got pulled from the waiting room rather promptly. We were in the exam room where the nurse began to do the initial testing of Kinsley's eyes. The nurse talked, charted, shined some lights, move some objects, and repeated. Hopeful to see some change in Kinsley's eye sight wage was just as disappointed as we were. As she got ready to leave she said the doctor will be with you shortly. we waited yet again. We waited for the official news that was going t change our life forever. Thirty long and painfully agonizing minuts lapsed. Finally we hear a knock,knock, knock. If my heart wasn't already in the lit of my stomach it was now. If my hands were not trembeling they were now. If I wasn't already trying to choke back tears I was now. The knock on the door meant there was no turning back. We were about to be faced with reality. In walks the doctor. She smiles. She shakes our hands and tells us how nice it is to see us. Then she asks the question we knew we would hear. "How are her glasses doing?" When we told her there has been no change you could see the worry come across her face. She knew what she was going to have to tell us. She then proceeded to test using all th same methods as the nurse. Kinsley once again failing all of them. The doctor kept watching. Watching in hopes that we may see one slight little hope that there is something there. Watching. Hoping. Then came the news. She startd by saying we would need to take Kinsley for an MRI. The MRI would show why she could not see. Not that it will fix anything, but we need to see where the damage is being done. Then she told us the news. Kinsley culd not see. She was blind. I held myself together. I could not let this doctor see that I was weak. I could not let her know she has just shattered my whole world. She took away hopes and dreams. I finished listening to her talk. Hopeful we would make it through this journey she said we didn't have to do it alone. She told is there are resources, support groups, and people available to help guide us through this uncharted waters. Again she remained hopeful. Hopeful that if Kelly and I surrounded ourselves with the right people we would survive. I'm not so sure. She liken this journey we are on to facing a fear. She said a person who hates public speaking tries to avoid it, but once they do it a few times it gets better. My the times they have done it a bit they actually enjoy it. She said on this journey we will hate the first few weeks or months. We will find them hard and want to try to avoid the truth, but after we have traveled this path a while it will become more tolerable. Tolerable enough to the point where we wil, enjoy the place this journey is taking us on. She shook our hands and left. Out in the parking lot I placed Kinsley in the van. I hugged my husband and cried. My world had been crushed. My world had been thrown of this picture perfect track. I needed his embrace. I needed to feel his warmth and comfort. He has been my rock of strength through this. He is my partner, my love, my support. He was holding me up when I wanted to just collapse to the ground. As Kelly went back to worm I headed back to my other children. They were at my brothers house. Once there I cried some more, not realizing how hard those words would be to hear. We knew it was a possibility. Why was I letting it get me so sad. I got some snuggles from my nephew. (seeing as my brothers kids loves Mario I will refer to his childre as Mario characters) My nephew Luigi snuggles. He is the sweetest boy. He loves Kinsley. And to say he loves Kinsley is an understatement. I got the pleasure of taking Luigi to school where he talked my ear off about the valentines party he was going to have. As I said good bye he played our special little game. He said "bye. I not love you Aunt Dany" and he giggled a sweet giggle. It brought tears and a smile to my face. As the day poured on more people were called, more people offered support and prayers. More tears were shed. More questions were asked and more dreams were grieved. It will take time to heal. I need to deal with reality. I need to grieve. I ended my day by going out for some drinks with my sister in law and a family friend. There they allowed me to share a piece of this pain I am carrying. There they were the best friends I could ask for. There I was able to talk about my pain or the weather. They let me be me. And the loved on my Kinsley! It was nice to they wanted to take the time to spend some time with me on o e of the hardest days of my life. It was nice of them to want to enter into the pain that I'm carrying. I feel as though they each took a piece of my pain with them. That makes my load a little lighter. I am thanking the Lord for these amazing women. They love God, the love Kinsley, and the love me. They touched my heart, sometims the pain of others lives is to much for us to want to enter into. They were not afraid. They entered. They entered with love and support. For that I am thankful. Support has been given today. Resources have been found for us so that in this time of grieving we dint have to do a ton of research. Prayers have been offered for us. Smiles have been given. Hugs have been given. Love has been given. By those things I will rest in peace tonight. Knowing my God loves me enough to carry me through this pain. P,ease continue to pray for my sweet baby girl, our family, and friends and we experience a journey like none we ever imagined we would face. Danyelle.

Reminders

So today has been a busy day that has ended in me laying in bed with a tiny stomach bug. Yes, first we went to breakfast with baby and then had the dreaded taxes done! Shortly after coming home from that I felt my tummy start to churn. I'm feeling better after getting some fluids, some crackers, and lots of rest, but not ready to do to much yet. As I laid in bed today I thought about many things. How our world has changed. How much care Kinsley takes and will continue to take. Feelings of guilt ran through my head as my husband and I plan our mini vacation. My why us God thoughts came wandering back. The devil was attacking my heart and my head. The I remembered many things. Little reminders that others have told me. Reminders I have gotten from my bible. I am not doing this alone. Kinsley is still the same child she was a week ago, if I was okay going on vacation then I should still be okay going now. The Lord has plans for us! Kinsley doesn't know she's "different". The Lord is carrying me through my pain. I have prayers from many people. My God made Kinsley with a purpose! Kinsley was perfectly and wonderfully made. Did I mention I'm not walking this journey alone? I have been having some hard days. Kinsley is not an easy baby. She needs to be rocked, touched, or talked to in order to not be screaming. I have other kids to tend to. A husband who needs me. Dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and laundry to be done. It's a lot for one given person to accomplish. I do it because I am a mom and that's my job. It's hard to say I wouldn't change it for the world. Some days I would. Being the parent of a special needs child is going to be difficult. It will have its challenges, but it is my new life. I think all of the questions I ask myself, all of the what if's are normal. Who wouldn't question a "storm" in life? I have found great peace in my bible. I have found great peace in doing life with others. I have found peace in knowing many are praying for our family. Please continue your prayers. They are so comforting. Danyelle

Mixed emotions

Yesterday and today were very different. Yesterday I felt like my world was collapsing. Everything with Kinsley's sight makes it feel like the world is a horrible place. How can something so bad be happening to a sweet innocent child? I just don't understand. Before I went to bed I sat and ate my depression favorites, fudgesciles, and had a glass of wine. I ate four of them to be exact. I don't even feel guilty about that. I do however feel guilty about wanting to leave my sweet girl at the end of the month for our mini vacation. Today was okay emotion wise. Kinsley's smiles made me forget that she has problems with her vision. When she smiled all the problems of the world melted away. Today I am feeling as though I will conquer the world. I will show blindness whose boss. I will not let this get me down. This roller coaster ride I am on is making me tired. It is making me feel older then I am. I am living life by the moment. It is hard to plan for the future when you have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Your world can be turned upside down in mere minutes. Mine was. Mine has turned into a journey I never thought I would need to take. I wil come out stronger on the other side. I will meet people I would have never met. I will be the strength to another mom facing these same trails some day. Just as I have had moms mentoring to me in the past few weeks. Please continue to pray for Kinsley and our family. Life will be different then we dreamed. Pray that we grieve, but yet we also see hope in the Lord for our future.

Hard Pill to Swallow.

To was a deep valley in our journey of of vision problems. I have cried on and off. Here is why: Our day started out pretty much as normal. Everyone got ready to head to school, breakfast had been devoured, clothes put on, and everyone was ready to go. Today was a little different in that I dropped the middle to children off by my mom then proceeded to take the oldest to school. From there I took my sweet baby girl home. Why were just the to of us going home you ask? Very good question. Kinsley had her Early On evaluation this mourning. Some may not know what that is. It is a group of people that work with our county to offer free services that aid parents in taking care of children with disabilities. They came out today to give Kinsley her official evaluation. Once at home I paced the floors waiting for these people to get to our home. I was nervous. We are fully aware that Kinsley can experience some delay in her other areas of development, but didn't want to hear if she was significantly delayed. These ladies filed into our home with their bags and notebooks. The also brought big smiles and warm voices. They were all so sweet it helped to calm my nerves. They all sat down and we got started. Lots of questions were asked, note were being written, and assements were being taken. The more they prodded for answers the less confiedent I was feeling. I felt like I wasn't doing enough for my sweet baby girl. One by one these women told me just how far behind my sweet girl was. With an overall development of a one and a half month old I was sad. At three and a half months I was hoping she was doing better. The vision specialist said that children this age learn 80% of things through visual stimuli. With her vision being compromised that is why she is behind in other areas. Heartbreaking, but the truth, I k we there was no whee else to turn. We needed the services Early On has to offer. Talking to each on of the ladies we set up goals that each of them would work with us on. I say us because they are teaching me just as much as they are teaching Kinsley. We also decided that Kinsley would benefit best with 4 hours of therapy a week. We will be seeing each of four speciality for one hour at a time. We will be seeing a speech therapist, physical therapist, occupational theraist, and the vision specialist. That a lot of people on and out of our house. I am grateful for the support we can be offered through them at no cost. This is a blessing. I'm just sad that I need these services for my baby girl. After all the goals were set and the evaluations were done I was asked a very important question. "What is your support system like?" I said its great. Our parents and siblings are awesome supporters, but we also have a church family at are always there for us. Wondering why she aged such a question she responded like this "Caring for someone who has a disability is hard work. Kinsley will take a lot of time and energy. You need a support system that will feel comfortable taki care of her no matter what her vision turns out to be. You need to be able to trust someone(s) so that you can get out by yourself, with your husband, and with your other children." For those of you that know me know how hard it is for me to let go of control. It will be even harder to let go of that control when it comes to care for Kinsley. Not wanting to burden any one else with her disabilities and extra care I will be more hard to convince I need a day away. I am thankful for a GREAT support system. I know many family and friends praying for us. I know so many friends and family that will help if we need it. I have no doubt that if I need to call on someone they will be there for us. I'm preparing myself for these things now. We leave Kinsley and the rest of our children at the end of a month for a weekend get away. It is scary, but I trust the people my children will be with. I've been mourning. Mourning the way I envisioned life for Kinsley. I've been asking God why us? Why my family? Why my sweet baby girl? I am sitting and listening for his answer. I feel it's okay to grieve these things, it's okay to ask God questions. I know he has a plan for our family. I know he has a plan for Kinsley. He is in control! He is the l Ought of our world and we need to stay focused on him. Please continue to be on prayer for our family. We are mourning the way we envisioned life for Kinsley. We are mourning the delays she is experiencing, but we have hope. Hope in the Lord that she will live a full and happy life. That she will bring great joy to many people. Danyelle

Comments From the Peanut Gallery

So I have every intention of making a post about our first full day in glasses, but the day just got away from me. Saturday morning was fabulous. Kelly was up before me getting ready for robotics. I was still laying in bed when I heard laughter coming down the hall. Sure enough, my wake up call was coming. Looking at the clock I was wishing my little wake up calls would go back to bed. It was Saturday after all and 7:30am just seemed to early for a Saturday. They seemed to disagree. The girls were full of energy. They were chasing each other in circles and laughing loudly. What an awesome way to start the morning. Before I got Kinsley up for the day I fed the bigger kids. Then it was Kinsleys turn. There was an extra step to our morning routine. As I laid her on the changing table to get her ready so etching had to change. We had to add the step I didn't want to. The time had come. I got out her clothes and diaper. I got her dressed, talking to her about every thing I was doing. Then it happened. I took her glasses out of the case. I slowly, carefully, gently put them on her face. Once again hoping to se instan change, I was disappointed. Kelly left for the day, but in his place my mom came. She came to watch the kids so I could work. I sew for a living. A way to make an extra income yet stay at homs with my children. My nine store opens the middle of February and I need to have stuff ready to stock. I sewed into the early afternoon. When I finished I talked to my mom about gong to get Kinsley's eats pierced with me. She thought it was a great idea! So when Kelly got how we left. This was going to be my first time taking Kinsley out with her glasses on. I was nervous. I feared the comments and stares. My momma bear instinct wanted to tear apart anyone who said something. As I was driving, noticing he emotions, I prayed "Lord, I know what I feel like saying to someone if the comment or stare, but please speak for me so my words are kinder." The time came. I pulled into the parking lt at the mall. I needed to walk my sweet girl in to ge her ears pierced. They weren't going to come out to me. So I did. I ventured into the mall. No me noticed her glasses until we reached the counter of the ear pierce place. The first comment made was by the woman who would pierce Kisleys ears. "Aww, she has glasses." I didn't know how to responde. Was this a question or a statement! What kind of response did it require. The Bly thing I could muster was a yes. That out of the way my mom and I started looking at earrings. We decided on go,d heart shaped earrings with a pink center. They are cute! Funny thing about this experience was that I got stares from people who couldn't believe I wa piercing my baby's ears and they didn't bug me. It something I wanted her to have done. All my girls had them done at this age. It didn't bug me they stared in disapproval. It did, however, bug me when they stared at her glasses. My thinking behind this is that the earrings are something I could control. I could do it at this age or wait. The glasses I can't control. The possibility of her not being able to see is out of my hands. I can not protect her from years of teasing or hurt because of glasses. I can take out the earrings if I chose. That fact that her vision is out of my hands kills me. I would do anything to trade vision with her. I can not. This road of poor vision we the be God chose for her. My day of having a hard time dealing with stares and comments would continue. I survived the mall. I needed to now go to Walmart, I needed to pick up a few things. This aw hard. Every stare was deeper, every comment loud. Questions on why she had glasses and how we knew she needed them were being asked. The aww poor baby has glasses comments were painful. I answered questions the best I could. It was the Lord speaking for me though because all I wanted to shout was leave my baby alone! Stop asking questions! Every time some asks a question or makes a comment I tell myself they may not work. It stinks to be reminded of that. I need to grow tougher skin. I need to let go. I need to know its nr meant to hurt me on purpose, but it does. The rest of he day was pretty uneventful. We relaxed at home and enjoyed family time. Our first full day in glasses was survived. The next morning we would see how church went. Today we woke up to snow. Not just a little snow either. I would say a good three or more inches. Today aw a church day as my kids say. Kelly was on sick kd duty, so it wa only me, Kinsley, Myla, and Parker going to church. Ondrea was feeling better, but I wanted he to rest one more day so she could go to school tomorrow. As I got everyone ready I aw confident about walking nt church. A church I am surrounded by love and support. Surrounded by prayer. It is a safe place. No need to worry about comments or stares. When we first walked in the group that meets before service was getting ready to pray. We joined in. We were able to pray for Kinsley's eyes. I wish I would have known I needed prayer to. Disappointed already that we didn't see instant working power from the glasses on Friday every one seemed to comment on how they thought they were working. This was hard! Being her mother and being around her all the time, I haven't noticed much, if any, change in her vision. I needed a breather. I was hungry and thirsty. I went to the gas station to get a pop and donut. On my way I placed my debit card and phone on my lap. Pulling out of the driveway of the church parking lot I decided I couldnt see out ofe of my windows to well. Forgetting that my phone and card were on my lap I got out of the van. Sure enough the card and phone would not be phone. They were lost in the almost six inches of snow we had received. Many people came out to help me look with no luck. After getting some cash, I was still able to get my donut and pop. Returning to church left more people commenting about how they thought her glasses were working. I know these comments were meant to be encouraging and not hurtful. I know they were said out of love and concern. I know, but they still hurt. I feel like the comments plant a false hope in my heart. I feel like if ingest my hopes up to high they will be crushed in four weeks when the doctor says she can not see. I was speechless. I really didn't know what to tell all these people about their comments. Do I thank them? Do I tell them how I feel? I chose to smile and nod. After church we went to have lunch at the house of a couple that goes to our church. It was an amazing lunch. Simple and delicious. My children loved it there. This couple is amazing to. They are so sweet. Such listening ears they have. It was nice to be ourselves. They didn't require we explain about her eyes, they just showed is love and kindness. I felt like I was safe to think about other things other then Kinsley's sight or lack there of. It was an afternoon breather that was much needed. I thanked the Lord for such an amazing afternoon. Once home, it was another u eventual afternoon and evening. I took a late and somewhat long nap. I got the older kinds in bed, rocked Kinsley, and watched a movie with my husband. We made it through two full days of glasses. We are all adjusting. Kinsley doesn't seem to mind them. Mommy is getting used to the idea and Myla just keeps saying "baby glasses, baby glasses" it is quite cute. I pray the Lord do his will with Kinsley's sight. I know that I am praying the Lord heal her fully so that she doesn't even need the glasses. I pray that even of she does need the glasses her vision will be winderful. I know full well that this may not be God's plan for our baby. He may chose her to have no sight at all. If this is his will I pray that he gives Kelly and I peace and understanding. I pray he gives us the support we need to make it through this journey. Will you please continue to pray for Kinsley. Pray the Lords will be done, but also pray for him to do a winderful m miricale in Kinsleys eyes and restore them to full strength. I can feel your prayers for our family. It means a lot to us to have your prayers and support. Thank you for joining us on this journey. Danyelle