God's got me... Right?

I first need to say sorry for the lack of update. Over the past two days I have hit an all time low on this journey. I finally felt like everything in life was gaining up on me and I was being swallowed hole. I was kicking and screaming and despite the fight I was still sinking. In fact I think I was making it worse! Over the past week so many things have gone worse then I expected. My van broke down, we had trouble with our electric, one of our other children has been acting out, and we are still trying to grieve Kinsley's vision. I figured out where I went wrong. I gave up. I just gave up. Life was to painful grieving the lost of Kinsleys sight and the more that went wrong the more I just wanted to give up. Our kids have noticed this and have begun acting out because mommy doesn't care. Mommy just wants to sit and feel sad. This in turn makes me more sad and angry. My husband has noticed my extra moodiness also. This is not like me. I'm the strong one! I never fall under pressure. I am do not shed a tear for fear it will make me look weak or vulnerable. How could I be letting this happen to me! Today I cried out God! God where are you? Why am I here. Why am I at the deepest point in this life? Why do I need to be the one you selected for this journey? I can't be strong any more Lord! I am to weak for this burden. Please, please take some from me. After I had finished praying I took out my book and card I had received. To very huge blessings that are still blessing me. I started reading my book. There it was, staring at me on the pages of this book. The answer to my prayer. The Lord said "Child it is all about choices! You need to choose not to give up, you need to choose how you are going to focus this new energy, and you need to choose me." The book I am reading is called Parents of Children with Disabilities a Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers by Press and Gena Barnhill. Reading the chapter in the book called now what I was reminded that I need to make choices. I can choose to give up, to walk away, to try to avoid this new path, but it will come with a price. It will hurt my husband, children, and me. If I give up my husband and my children will eventually move on and not be as hurt, but they will move on without me. I don't want this to happen! I want to be there for my children, all of them, especially Kinsley. I can also choose to invest my time solely into my child with disabilities, but this also comes with a price. My marriage and other children will suffer. Kinsley will suffer from me doing to much for her. I need to find the balance. I need to find the perfect balance between my husband, myself, my other children, and Kinsley. Will it be easy? Will I find the answer to this balance right away? Of course not! It will be trial and error. It will take patience and forgiveness. From reading this same chapter I also gained the knowledge that things change. People change, kids will change as they get older, the dreams and hopes will change. We need to make the choice to change with life. I was so gently reminded that while I am sitting here grieving all that Kinsley might not be able to do she will still have dreams! She will have dreams for her life just lime you and I have dreams for our life. Her dreams may or may not be the same. I needed that. I needed to be told that she won't just sit and lead a non productive life. She can thrive and succeed. This boom continues to be a blessing! I am enjoying it. It was the answer to my prayer this morning. This journey is really all about choices. How am I going to react to what we are dealing with? Am I going to give up? NO! My strength comes from the Lord creator of heaven and earth. I will choose to conquer this journey. I will choose to work hard at finding the balance in this life! A poem from this boom that has also hit a heart chord is titled Don't Quit Don't Quit! When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turn about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It see,s to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And be learned to late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out-- The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. ~Author Unknown This spoke volumes to my soul today. Im allowed to rest, take a break, recharge, but I can not give up! The race can be won. It could be right around the corner. If I give up now I might not know what the finish line looks like. Oh how God answers our prayers. I was also reminded today of the verse from Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." God knew my family was destin to be on this journey. I should feel honored he gave us this responsibility. He has a plan! I can't wait to see what it is. I know I will have bad days. I know I will feel like giving up again. I can then be reminded again that it is all about choices! Please continue to pray for our family. We had some issues come up with the insurance company. Our MRI is postponed. That was a big blow to the stomach. Our kids have gotten a little out of hand while mommy and daddy have been grieving. Please pray that we can get them back on track. Listening and obeying like they should. Pray that we find the balance we need to find for our marriage, our other children, and for Kinsley. It will be a process. Pray we find a ne vehicle quickly. Your prayers and support mean so much to our family. I would love to thank each of you individually. Please keep them coming. Thank you for letting me share our life with you. Even the tough stuff. Danyelle