Bah Humbug, turned Joy

Yes, I know it is not Christmas, but that phrase pretty much sums up my week. It was a rough one. Partially my fault and therefore I am going to kick this week out of the water!

I was reminded this morning through Pslams 100:1-2 that I need to praise the Lord with JOY even though personal struggles. Even though a rough day with the kids. Even through a rough nights sleep.

 

{Worship the Lord with GLADNESS. Come before him, singing with JOY.}

Pslams 100:1-2

 

 

My week was rough because I was still catching up from the week of being in the hospital. I was still trying to lesson plan, do laundry, and much more. I also broke my routine of going to bed on time and getting enough sleep. I was grumpy from lack of sleep, the kids were wild without structure, and there was a lot of attitude going on in my house. It was a rough week. Instead of changing my attitude and worshiping the Lord for the good things, I decided I would wallow in my furstrations and be grumpy. Not a smart choice. I had to apologize to my kids more then once, my husband more then once, and ask for a whole lot of forgiveness.

 

I guess those things all make me human. Not any one of us is perfect. I am, however, choosing this week to get back to what I know works well for our family. I am going to stick to our routine, I am going to be on time and getting enough rest, most importantly I am going to choose JOY and GLADNESS over being grumpy. I am going to worship this morning with my children and do it with joy and passion.

 

Happy Monday! Be blessed!

 

Dany

Thoughtful Thursday: Be A Blessing

This morning I woke up and had on my heart how I could be a blessing to someone today. I spent time talking and eating breakfast with my husband. I snuggled a two year old on a crazy sleep schedule. I was still thinking. I was still searching how to be a blessing. As I read my devotions, God started speaking to my heart.

I was being a blessing already. When you pour your life into someone else. When you show love and kindness you are being a blessing. By spending time eating breakfast and chatting with my husband I was showing him he was important. That I value the time we get to spend together even if it's early in the morning. I was blessing him and he was blessing me. I was blessing my daughter by snuggling. I was showing her she is important. She is worth the time. I was blessing her and she was blessing me.

You see, there is no need to do go around the world being a blessing. Yes, that is for some people. Some people spend their whole lives in other countries blessing the people of this world. It is not for everyone. How are you being a blessing. Are you blessing your spouse and your marriage? Are you blessing your children? What about the people you work with or strangers you pass? Are you being a blessing?

I know that yesterday I was far from a blessing. I let the negative start to my day run my house. I was short on patience and every one knew it. I am human and at the end of the day I had to ask forgiveness. I needed to look my children in the eye and say I am sorry for being crabby. I'm sorry that I was quick to anger and to punish. It was not one of my better days.

You can be a blessing in small ways, you can be a blessing in BIG ways. I encourage you to start at home today. Start in your marriage. How can you bless your spouse? Can you write a sweet note? Can you send an encouraging text? Can you buy flowers, candy, or a card? What about spending some time today just talking to your spouse without interruption? If we can start in our home, blessing those we are close to, we can be much better prepared to bless those we do not know. Those that may need us more then we know.

Be a blessing. Tell me what you did today to bless your marriage. I would love to hear from you! Let's make this world a better. Let's be a blessing.

Be blessed.

Dany

Words from a 6 year old

Our family has been studying Deuteronomy 30:19-20 which says

"Today you have been given the choice between life and death,

between blessings and curses. No I have called on heaven and earth

to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life,

so that you and your descendants might live!

You can make this choice by loving the Lord you God, obeying him,

and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life. "

 

As we were studying this verse yesterday morning, I asked each of the children what this verse meant to them. My oldest at 6 gave this insight to the verse.

 

"God gives us his good Key. He gives us the Key to do nice things, to love others, to help others, to obey mommy and daddy. Every morning before we get out of bed we have to make a choice. Do we want to keep God's key or trade it for the devil's key. If we trade it for the devil's key we will make bad choices."

 

Wow, I just kind of stared in amazement at her answer. Then just as I was about to speak again she continued.

 

"If we choose to trade our God key for the bad devil key then bad things will happen in our day. We will get sent to our room, we won't get candy, and we might not get a special toy we wanted. We will have people who are mad at us and things will be not happy. We can trade keys at any time. If we don't like the devil key because we got in trouble we can ask God to forgive us, change what we were doing, and he will give us his key back."

 

Again I just stared in amazement. Her little heart has always been a place spiritually that I could never seem to understand. We have raised her in the church her whole life, but this type of knowledge to me seems just naturally given. I almost feel like she has a better understanding of a relationship with God then I do.

 

She understands. Every single day we have a choice. We can choose to follow God, Obey his commands for our life, and be firmly standing in his plan. As adults I think we forget that it is a choice. We wake up and just go about life. Do we stop to think about our faith every morning? Do we say to God, today with your grace and love I will walk with you, I will obey you? God gave you the key to life! God gave you the key to do good. Are you going to trade it?

 

The words of a 6 year old. Sometimes children have a better insight because they are not bogged down with legalistic thinking and adult problems. You may even say "Yeah easy for a 6 year old to say", but I think it is easy for any of us to say if we want! We can make the choice. We have to make the choice. The future of our children, our household, communities, and the world are counting on it.

 

Be blessed

 

Dany

We All Have a Longing

As I sit here listening to the news and the events of Super storm Sandy, I am feeling mighty blessed. Although Michigan has had high winds and huge waves, we have not been impacted in such a way that those on the East Coast have been. Our thoughts and prayers are with those who are without power, flooded, and in so much pain and destruction.

Our thoughts here today? Well I have a picture hanging on my fridge of a yellow bus. That's right. We have decided to be a home school family, but that does not mean our children do not sometimes challenge our choice. They have a voice, an opinion, and desires. They all enjoy school. They have enjoyed the things that they probably wouldn't have been able to experience. We get to have pajama days. We get to do math while baking cookies. We get to go on field trips. We sometimes don't even start school until after lunch and work until later in the evening, allowing us to spend the morning snuggling and watching movies. This doesn't mean that our children don't wonder what being in school would be like. This doesn't mean that they do not wonder what riding a bus would be like. Today that was the case. Our oldest child was begging me to send her to school, not because she wanted to try school, but because she wanted to ride a big yellow school bus. We had a conversation about why that would be so great. We had a talk about why we home school. Although she knows why we home school and that she will not be riding a school bus, she still longs.

I learned a very important lesson during this discussion we had. We all long for something. There are all things we wish could be different. This is not bad. Sometimes longing is good. It gives us something to strive for. My question is; "Do pray about our longing?" "Do we seek wise counsel?" Just as my daughter had come to me asking about why we home school and why she couldn't ride that big yellow school bus she so longed to ride, do I do the same thing? I want to be more like her. I want to seek wise counsel more often. As adults we so often just do the things we want. We do what we think is best without really praying or thinking. We don't ask for others opinions. I want to seek the bible for answers. I want to seek Godly, wise people who may be able to weigh in.

I challenge you. If you have a longing. Please just don't jump on it. Pray, Look at your bible, Seek wise counsel. Then if it is in the plan God has for your life, chase that longing to the ends of the earth.

Kicking Depressions Butt

As some of you may know I suffer from depression, both seasonal and post partum. I have been suffering from one form or another since I have been in high school. I never in a million years thought there was an escape to this horribly hindering disease. I assumed it was going to be something that would haunt me forever. I mean I take medicine, I talk to a counselor, and the whole nine yards, but I never thought there was a way to do it without those things.

I have just completed a book called Overcoming Depression by Neil T. and Joanne Anderson. It is a Christ centered way to kick depression in the butt. I can truly say I am happy. I no longer need my medicine. (and yes I had my doctors permission to wean off them) I am going to have days that are harder then others, but who doesn't. I have an amazing heavenly father that is doing wonders in my life. Together we have kicked depression in the butt. Depression will no longer rule me!!

How did I do it? I get into the word of my Lord every day. Sometimes in the morning and sometimes at night. I PRAY constantly. I feel like I am always saying a prayer, either little or big. I pray for the kids, my husband, God's guidance, and so many more things. I started to give God my worries, fears, and failures. Knowing I can not do this journey of life without Him lifts a huge burden.

I have also learned over the past month or so that praying for my husband and my children has changed them without them seeing it. Or it has just changed me so much that I tolerate them better. Either way I will continue to pray for them every day.

Despite so many things in this life that are up and down, I am happy. Kelly's job is stable and great, but a little different then the job he had prior. This job has him home at different times then his other job which is a blessing. It is giving him time to work on his own business, but it also causes for some stress with when he will be working late or not. Trying to figure out if he will be home for dinner one night and not the next as often he doesn't know until about 3pm if he will be working extra late. He has ha job and this is a blessing.

We have been working on something else here in the Rus house. I so wish I could tell you what it was, but until it's final our lips our sealed. We are so EXCITED to be following God's lead and taking a step into the direction he is leading. This step in life is providing my husband and I with deep conversation on how we can be a blessing. We are out to make these next steps a family project.

Butterfly Girl's lack of vision no longer has me down. We are kicking blindness out of the way. It will be a part of our life, but NOT our life. The lack of vision is only a part of who she is, but does not define her. She has bright blue eyes and a smile so big you can not help but smile yourself. She is full of life and joy. She is not letting blindness get to her so we should not either.

I have been doing many craft shows lately. It has been lots of fun. It gives me a sense of joy to sell items that I have hand created. It is fun to see people delight in items that they have picked out. Being able to sell these items at shows is a joy I have not experienced. I love it.

Our home school year is coming to an end and so is Bunny Girl's year at school. We are going to be enjoying our summer. We have lots of structured activities we will be doing. I am excited for this. I am really going to try my hardest to maximize our time this summer doing as many fun things we can fit in. I am going all out this summer partly because I am sad they will both be going to public school next year and partly just because. We have had an awesome school year with tons of learning and fun.

I am so glad that I am on the mend. I am so glad that I am so happy. I am so excited that I can kick depression in the butt. 

Great Day

Today has by far been the best day I have had since Kinsley's diagonsis. I will no lie when I say it has been a hard road for me to travel and I needed to catch a break. I needed to just have one really, really good day. Today was the day.

I got to start the day by going to Crazy Bounce, a local bounce house. It was a blast. I got to bounce, climb up giant slides, and play like I was a kid again. My nephew beat me up in the bounce house that has the over sized boxing gloves. He wanted me to go every where with him. I loved it. I got to take my little ones all over to. Myla was not scared at all. She was off on an adventure and nothing was stoping her. My kids enjoy being there with their cousins and friends from church. Oh, I had a blast also! It was perfect.

After that we went back to my brothers house and ordered pizza. It was great. I came home to clean the house a bit before a lady and her daughter from our church came over. They came over to deliver the best present any parents could ever ask for. A NIGHT OF BABYSITTING!

Oh my word, they will never know the true blessings they were tonight. They will never understand how the timing of their request to babysit was the best timing ever. Kelly and I have been bearing the weight of so many things. Life is hard. I was blessed with their phone call on Monday. They wanted to offer us a night of babysitting at no charge. AT NO CHARGE! Oh my word how amazing. Babysitting for four kids costs a lot. We never go out unless we can find free sitters. This usually means unless our parents are willing to baby sit we stay home. Their offer brought me tears. I couldn't believe someone would want to help us out by watching all four of our children.

I so often feel like I am burdening other people by asking them to watch my children. It was my choice to have four after all. Although I can not help that Kinsley is blind it is a lot to ask someone else to take on that care.

They came right when they said they would. I gave them a tour of the house, changed the girls one last time before we left, and then headed out the door. Our  date night wasn't anything magical, sparkly, or fancy. It was perfect for us though. We went to dinner where we actually sat down and talked inside instead of going through a drive through some where. Then we ran errands without our four little bundles of joy in tow. Best part yet; they were all in bed and sleeping when we got home! This is huge! I love that I for one night got the break of struggling with them to get their jammies on or asking for just one more book or one more drink. I came home to peace and quite.

Before they left we were able to share life together. I showed them some of the things I have made. I showed them Ondrea's Easter dress. We talked about Kinsley being blind and this journey we are on as parents. How we feel we need to make each child in our family feel special. I am amazed at the faith and compassion this young girl has. She has a heart of gold. Her mother does too. I am beyond thankful for the two of them blessing us with the chance to spend time together as a husband and wife without having to be mom and dad at the same time. Before they left they prayed for us! This mom and her daughter prayed for us! Their words were so awesome. Just the prayers we needed to hear. I could feel the truth of their words and how badly they want our family to be blessed. I could hear in their hearts that even they know what we are experience is struggling that they truly want God to bless our family. It is huge. They listened while we were talking because they prayed speically about some of the things I had mentioned and that is awesome!

Please pray that they will continue to be blessed for being a blessing. Like I said; They will never truly understand the gift they gave us, they will never truly understand how perfect their timing was.

Surviving

One month ago today I was up all night tossing and turning. I was awaiting the morning that would change my life forever. One month ago today I was waiting for the dreaded words I ended up receiving. One month ago today I was up all night wrestling with God saying "please make this a dream, please heal my baby. What do I need to do Lord for her to see." It was a long night. I'm not sure I slept much. Here I am one month from then still alive. Still trudging through the waters of Kinsleys diagnosis. Still hanging on to the fact that my Lord and Savior will carry me through. I will tell you this month has not been without struggle. I will tell you this life will not be without struggle. Today my husband made mention that most kids Kinsley's age either get scared of big dogs like ours or laugh and giggle when big dogs likes our come up to them. Kinsley does none of this. I must admit I cried. It's those little things we take for granted. I would be so happy even with the scared cry because it would mean she can see. Alas she can't. She won't. Not unless my heavenly father heals her in our lifetime. If you have young children like Kinsley please don't take for granted those small moments that get your child's attention. Even if it is a cry. Savor it. Hold onto it. It means they can see! It means their eyes are serving their purpose. We took a walk today. We enjoyed the beauty that surrounded us. Kinsley can not enjoy the beauty the same as us. It's hard on this heart of mine. The day has been full of tears. The day has been full of some realizations. The day has been draining. I have been doing some things to keep me from going to far into a depression where I want to sit and do nothing. I have myself on a pretty good schedule. I have created a list of things to do in which I choose five evey day. Of those five et done I can pick some more. This makes me feel like Im getting things done, but also giving me permission to enjoy my kids, my husband, and life in general. I have also been working up a storm. Please pray that I continue on this path that currently has me feeling pretty good. Please pray that the partners I have set up to check in on me for accountability continue to do so. Pray for our marriage to continue to stay strong, pray we keep finding ways to connect as husband and wife and get out if the constant care Kinsley requires. Pray that this new life we are doing will soon become normal. The surprises by what Kinsley can't see will sting less and the joys of what she an do without vision become more! Your prayers are felt every day, and for them my family and I are grateful. Danyelle

Highs and lows

I have been having a few pretty good days with the minor kinks thrown in. Despite not taking my depression meds I have been feeling decent. I do have the occasional anxiety attack which brings me down for a while but I have been able to pick back up. I am a little out of sorts tonight. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling rushed. I'm feeling behind. My meds would help me not feel anxious. I must get them. I need to try to get the script tomorrow and head over to the free med clinic we have in town. I spent about an hour talking to my in laws tonight. While it was great conversation and nice to get out of the house I am paying the price of anxiety because I haven't completed my tasks that needed to get done as of yet. I stil, have a while of my night left to go. I am feeling hurt by words that were sad. I was told I needed to give up this kick that Kinsley is blind. I was told this by someone close to me. How can I give up this "kick" when the medical professionals we have seen have told us she is blind. How can I give up this "kick" when if I give it up that she may never get the help she needs. How can I give up on the fact that my child IS blind. I need to accept reality. I need to do with what I have been given. Is this what I wanted for m baby? Is this how I planed my life to be? No! It is most certainly not what I wanted, but it was what the Lord h provided me. Hurt, sad, lost. I am starting to get myself back. Realizing I'm a night person and would rather stay up Kate then go to bed esrly is huge! I stil get 7 hours of sleep (interrupted of course), but without getting up way early. I would rather get chores done by staying up later then everyone else in the house then getting up before the kids. I also like that because I stay up and get so much done I can take an afternoon nap with my munchkins. This helps me catch up because of the interruptions I get at night thanks to Miss Kinsley. I am also glad to be sewing again. This is something I really enjoy. I love creating new things, I love making them for others. I love that I can make money off from it which is helping provide for my family! Mix emotions tonight. Please pray. Pray my anxiety attacks will go away. Please pray for Kelly and I to keep our relationship strong. Please pray for all these uncertain things we still don't know about Kinsleys vision. Please pray that we can keep coming to peace with her blindness. Please pray that nothing stands in our way. Danyelle

A shining light!

The Lord my God is my light. He is my shining star. I shall lean on him through this dark time. The on,y one who knows the extent of darkness I am feeling on this journey is God. I am trying to hold it together for my husband, my children, my family and my friends. I don't want any one to know what is deep within my heart. The pain is to much for some else to bear. The Lord is the only one capable of bearing my load. He is the only one that will carry my burdens without complaint. I can feel him holding onto me tonight. I can hear him says "Dear child, we can make it, you will survive. I have a plan for you and it goes way beyond what you can imagine." Over the course of the last few days I have had this feeling, this urge, to write a boom. Maybe that is why I blog. Maybe some day my blog will turn into an inspiring story of how you can go from finding out you baby is blind and still come out alive. Maybe my story will be an inspiration to others. Maybe my story will be a hope in a time of darkness. I know what the darkness and grieving for the futur of a child is like. I do it ever day. One of these days I need to get past this grieving. One of these days I need to get through this storm. So many things seem to be causing me to stay in this storm. So many things are hard. I will tell you this. The Lord has surrounded me with blessing though. My mother in law and I are getting closer through this experience. I am thankful for that. The Lord gave be the worlds greatest friend. We will call her Mommy Bean here on the blog. She comes with her son Bean and watches the kids while I work. She is a listening ear when I need to chat. She is a shoulder to cry on, a distraction when I need it, and a hug any time. She has carried me through some of my darkest days without even realizing she has done it. Her and I have been friends since before my Monkey girl and her Bean were even born. Monkey girl and Bean are destined to be married some day. The Lord knew I would need her through this journey. Today is a better day despite after testing Kinsleys sight she still wasnt tracking. I need to start realizing that testing it myself isn't going to produce the results I want. I need to come to terms with the hand I have been dealt. One positive is I got to sell some of my work at a craft show. I was able to spend time with my family. I also got lots of snuggles from the baby before she feel asleep. I need to have more of these days then the bad days. I like these days better. Oh and something else I love, on those days I'm really really struggling, God shows my sister in law a devotional to pass on to me. Seriouly, every time I am struggling with something it is like she just knows. Every time it has spoke right to my heart. It is seriously amazing how God is bringing me closer to the people he knows care about my well being. Today was a good day start to finish. Praying tomorrow can be just as great. Will you being praying with me? Please do pray for our family. Pray for me to start having more good days. Pray that Early on starts coming like they said. Pray that we make it through one day at a time. Dany

Deep, dark pit

Sorry for not blogging I'm the past few days. I have been busy with life, but also in the darkest pit of my life. I never imagined this journey to have so many tears. I never imagined this journey to be so dark. I never imagined the new senesativity I would have to comments from others. I never knew what it would be like to walk this journey. Life is full of unknowns. Life will never be ther way we picture it. All we can do is stive to make things better. W can strive to act like life is fine. This is the road I've been on. I've been acting like nothing has gotten me down. Like CIA conquer the world. Over the past few days it has bee hard to keep up this facade. This perfect life of no sadness. My day never ends. Al, my days blur together. All my days take every ounce of effort I have. We had Knsley back in the ER tuesday night. All she did was scram for 3+ hours. She wouldn't stop. My husband and I tried everything. Turns our her ear was the culprit of the unconsolable crying. The ear drops help some. I'm never early sure when she is hurting or just crabby because she cries almost every hour. She cries a ton. The past few days I have been working. For those of you that don't know what I do I work for home. I sew many cite things for babies and young children. I've been working to get things done for a mom2mo sale a local church is putting on. I am excited. Working from home is a blessing and a curse. While I have an amazing friend here to watch the kids while I get my work done I can also hear them asking for me. Can hear when they are being naughty and feel bad that my kids are not bring perfect for the one watching them. All of these things I need to do, the fact that I'm still coming to terms with I Kinsleys lose of vision have me at the bottom of life. I am sad. We are without insurance for the next month and I wasnt able to refill my depression meds before it the other insurance ended. I am fighting tooth and nail with the Early Intervention program in our area to test our sweet baby girl the services that she needs. I am also fighting the insurance company to make sure they cover our sweet baby girl once the new insurance kicks in. Add on a house to clean, dishes to do, kids to play with and love, a husband, and much more you can see why I am a mess. I need help, but despite a select few people I barely get the help I need. My husband does what he can when he is home. My best friend comes to watch the kids while I work. And my mom helps, that is the extent. Oh how I wish we could afford a house cleaning service. Oh how I wish I didn't feel guilty about going out on a girls night. I am going to hang onto my faith. I am going to love my God with all my heart. I am going to trust in him. He will be with me even in this dark pit that I am. He is going to carry me to the light. Please keep our family in your prayers. Please keep me in your prayers. Oh and watch for pictures to come tonight of all the cool stuff I will be bringing to the mom2mom sale this weekend. Danyelle

God's got me... Right?

I first need to say sorry for the lack of update. Over the past two days I have hit an all time low on this journey. I finally felt like everything in life was gaining up on me and I was being swallowed hole. I was kicking and screaming and despite the fight I was still sinking. In fact I think I was making it worse! Over the past week so many things have gone worse then I expected. My van broke down, we had trouble with our electric, one of our other children has been acting out, and we are still trying to grieve Kinsley's vision. I figured out where I went wrong. I gave up. I just gave up. Life was to painful grieving the lost of Kinsleys sight and the more that went wrong the more I just wanted to give up. Our kids have noticed this and have begun acting out because mommy doesn't care. Mommy just wants to sit and feel sad. This in turn makes me more sad and angry. My husband has noticed my extra moodiness also. This is not like me. I'm the strong one! I never fall under pressure. I am do not shed a tear for fear it will make me look weak or vulnerable. How could I be letting this happen to me! Today I cried out God! God where are you? Why am I here. Why am I at the deepest point in this life? Why do I need to be the one you selected for this journey? I can't be strong any more Lord! I am to weak for this burden. Please, please take some from me. After I had finished praying I took out my book and card I had received. To very huge blessings that are still blessing me. I started reading my book. There it was, staring at me on the pages of this book. The answer to my prayer. The Lord said "Child it is all about choices! You need to choose not to give up, you need to choose how you are going to focus this new energy, and you need to choose me." The book I am reading is called Parents of Children with Disabilities a Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers by Press and Gena Barnhill. Reading the chapter in the book called now what I was reminded that I need to make choices. I can choose to give up, to walk away, to try to avoid this new path, but it will come with a price. It will hurt my husband, children, and me. If I give up my husband and my children will eventually move on and not be as hurt, but they will move on without me. I don't want this to happen! I want to be there for my children, all of them, especially Kinsley. I can also choose to invest my time solely into my child with disabilities, but this also comes with a price. My marriage and other children will suffer. Kinsley will suffer from me doing to much for her. I need to find the balance. I need to find the perfect balance between my husband, myself, my other children, and Kinsley. Will it be easy? Will I find the answer to this balance right away? Of course not! It will be trial and error. It will take patience and forgiveness. From reading this same chapter I also gained the knowledge that things change. People change, kids will change as they get older, the dreams and hopes will change. We need to make the choice to change with life. I was so gently reminded that while I am sitting here grieving all that Kinsley might not be able to do she will still have dreams! She will have dreams for her life just lime you and I have dreams for our life. Her dreams may or may not be the same. I needed that. I needed to be told that she won't just sit and lead a non productive life. She can thrive and succeed. This boom continues to be a blessing! I am enjoying it. It was the answer to my prayer this morning. This journey is really all about choices. How am I going to react to what we are dealing with? Am I going to give up? NO! My strength comes from the Lord creator of heaven and earth. I will choose to conquer this journey. I will choose to work hard at finding the balance in this life! A poem from this boom that has also hit a heart chord is titled Don't Quit Don't Quit! When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but do not quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turn about When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It see,s to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victors cup, And be learned to late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown. Success is failure turned inside out-- The sliver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit. ~Author Unknown This spoke volumes to my soul today. Im allowed to rest, take a break, recharge, but I can not give up! The race can be won. It could be right around the corner. If I give up now I might not know what the finish line looks like. Oh how God answers our prayers. I was also reminded today of the verse from Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. To give you a hope and a future." God knew my family was destin to be on this journey. I should feel honored he gave us this responsibility. He has a plan! I can't wait to see what it is. I know I will have bad days. I know I will feel like giving up again. I can then be reminded again that it is all about choices! Please continue to pray for our family. We had some issues come up with the insurance company. Our MRI is postponed. That was a big blow to the stomach. Our kids have gotten a little out of hand while mommy and daddy have been grieving. Please pray that we can get them back on track. Listening and obeying like they should. Pray that we find the balance we need to find for our marriage, our other children, and for Kinsley. It will be a process. Pray we find a ne vehicle quickly. Your prayers and support mean so much to our family. I would love to thank each of you individually. Please keep them coming. Thank you for letting me share our life with you. Even the tough stuff. Danyelle

Peace... To an extent

Peace is a hard thing to find on this journey the Lord as taken us down. It is full of what ifs and she wonts. It is full of why us and how can this be. I have managed to find peace to an extent. Don't get me wrong. At the beinning if this week my world was flipped upside down and shaken. I feel as someone took a thousand piece puzzle called life, shook the box, opened it up, and then dumped it on the floor. I'm working on finding the edges of this puzzle. Once I find the edges the rest will slowly fill in. Once I have these edges peace will be found. The edges of my puzzle are God, family, friends, prayers, answers, and good medical doctors. All the edges are in the pile they just need to be found. I need to find peace th my heavenly father. I need to know he choose this path for me and my family for a reason. I need to find all the pieces of his word that tell me he is carrying me through this. I need to trut that my family and friends will be there to support us. Be there when we call. Give us a shoulder to cry on our a ear to hear our pain. They are all in this pile. Finding the ones worthy of being an edge piece is tricky. They have to fit just right so I can find piece in this situation. Prayers. Prayers that I offer up to my father of my own, but also prayers that others offer on our behalf. Answers to my questions. What made Kinsley blind? How bad is it? As I find these answers and come to terms with what they truly are my edges will come together. Good medical doctors are a must. I need to trust the eye doctor and pediatrician to do what is right for Kinsley medically. These are the edges of my puzzle. These are the pieces that are still being found. I have hope. I have my God. After I have the boarder of my puzzle complete I can live life and fill in the picture. It will be a beautiful one at that. The picture on the box shows me a beautiful young girl that can do amazing and wonderful things. A young girl with a heart for God. A young girl who has no vision. Who is blind. The box shows me my daughter. MY daughter! Nothing will change that. I have found peace to an extent. I have been reading these words off a card my husband and I received in the mail. It reads: God holds our lives in His hands like precious stones, polishing each with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, of HIS promise, of HIS love. It brings peace to my heart. It also reminds me that once I'm out of this stage of picking up the peieces, of being polished, I will be shining for HIS purpose. He has a great plan for our family. I can feel it in my heart. Please continue to pray for us. We are far from being over our journey. We are still having good days and bad days. Please pray for us as we continue to explain to our older children about their sister. Please pray for Kinsley. May she grow up having peace in her heart and seeing the Lord even without her vision.

HOPE came in the form of Blessings

Today has been a rough day emotionally. I've cried for the majority of the day. Feeling isolated and alone. No o e knows what I am going through. I show people the strong, take charge, non emotional side of me. I smile and at God will bring us through this. I believe he will. He will bring us out on top for his glory. It doesn't change though that I am human and that I feel sad. No one I know is blind. I have no one to share this experience with on a personal level. No one I know is raising a child with no vision. Who am I supposed to get support and advice from? Who am I supposed to turn to when a new challenge arises? It's been a rough day. Kinsley didn't sleep well the previous night and the older kids were up at 6:30am fighting. Everyone started the day in a bad mood. It was only going to get worse. I couldn't wait till nap time. Kinsley screamed a blood curdling scream unless I was holding her. She slept no more then twenty minutes at a time. Myla was also more crabby then normal. Tears and lots of them happened today. Just when I thought the day couldn't get any worse or better for that matter I went to get the mail. The little girls were sleeping. The big kids were playing nice. It was time for me to get some fresh air, walk to the end of the driveway, and get the mail. In the mail I found two little blessings. I never would have guessed these things were coming in the mail. God knew though. He knew that today was the day that I would need those words of hope and encouragement. The first one I opened was a card from Kelly's aunt and uncle. It gave me a message of hope. It said that God holds our lives in his hands like a precious stone, polishing it with challenges, choices, and changes. And in time we become shining reflections of HIS purpose, HIS promise, and HIS love. This is HOPE! This is what we will strive for. Even in our grief we want to be a reflection of God's purpose, promise, and love. I have put this card by my lamp next to my bed. These words will be my hope. God is just doing a work in our lives so that his Kingdom can shine. We may be kicking and screaming right now, but we will end up on the other side. It will be okay. Our other piece of hope came in the mail today also. This piece of hope was in an amazon box. I had to think about if I had ordered something or not. No I didn't think I did. If I had I didn't remember. Slowly I open the box seeing if I could jog my memory. I swear I didn't buy anything. Inside the box is a book and a note. The note stated that this person and church was thinking of my family and praying for us as e travel this road. The book was perfect. It is called Parenting Childre with Disablities: A Survival Guide for Fathers and Mothers. I've read the first 2 chapters already and love it. I'm not alone. Other parents have experienced similar feelings when hearing their child has a disability. I am super excited to get to the chapter on how to make our marriage survive when have a special needs child. Kelly and I aren't having trouble, but making sure we are sticking together as one now will keep it that way. Our vacation coming up will help us renew our identity away from the kids and as a couple. This gift showed me people care about me and my family. People are praying for us. People are sharing words of hope to our family. For all of these people I am thankful. Please continue to pray for us. Pray that we can stay positive. Pray that we continue to make our family strong despite this set back. Pray that we stay strong in our faith and let the Lord carry us through. Oh and a funny. Kinsley was screaming in her swing (not funny part) and I needed to quick vacuum. So I let her fuss. Once I turned the vacuum on she stopped and was smiling away. The minute I turned off the vacuum she started again. So I did an exleriment. Sure enough she loves the vacuum. She thinks it's funny. Thank you for your continued support, grace, and love. Danyelle

Love, love, love

Valentines day. Do I need to celebrate love and happiness? There is so much sadness in my life today. How can I possibly be happy and show love. Those were the thoughts that traveled through my mind first thing this morning. I needed to take these thoughts captive. I needed throw them out. Of course I need to celebrate love and happiness. I have kids, a husband, family, and friends. What isn't there to celebrate. With my new mindset I started the day. I got my energetic 5 year old ready for her very exciting valentines party. Got all the other kids ready and then headed out. Once home from dropping Ondrea off at school I had to make a choice. A. Sit on my butt all day and be sad. B. clean like a mad women and let the kids do whatever. Or C. Spend some time with the kids to keep my mind from bringing me to that sad place. So I played. I blew up some red balloons. I drew hearts on the, and wrote each of my childrens names. One on each balloon. We tossed them in the air, played catch, and then rubbed them on our heads to make our hair stand up. It was a blast! I'm so glad I chose to play. I don't want my kids to se me down or sad all the time because of Kinsley. I need to be strong. We had Parents as Teachers come out for an hour today to do some play activites with Kinsley. It was fun. They will continue to be a huge support for our family. It was now time for lunch. Then the kids went down for a nap. This is where my day went down hill. In the silence I sat. No one to talk to. No one to play with. Silence. My thoughts began to get worse. My thoughts turned against my choice to be positive. Why me Lord? Why me? I want my baby to see my face. I want her to see her own beauty. Lord why? Lord wake me up from this nightmare I am having. What did I do to make her this way? The thoughts kept coming. I was feeling worse. I sat. At in silence with my thoughts. I cried. This journey is hard. I need to walk it with the right light. And so I did. I opened my bible and there we Psalms 23. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. I dont HAVE to be afarid of this blindness. His rod and his staff they comfort me. These are comforting words. He knows I'm on this road. The Lord brought me to it, but he is not making me do it alone. Getting into his word every day, talking to friends and family, I am surrounded by love. God loves me. God loves Kinsley. I thought I would tell you all the reason why I love my husband and each of my children. Kelly - He is my rock. He provided for this family at all cost. He cares about his children. He loves teaching them new things. He is a great friend and even better husband. Ondrea - My first born. A special kind of love. Strong willed yet super sweet. Her love of music and dancing is beyond my knowledge. She has a heart of gold and a love for God that anyone would be jealous of. Parker - My only boy. A special kind of love also. Sweet and tender hearted. He loves all people all the time. He feels bad when people get hurt. He helps with dishes and with laundry. He will some day make a great husband, Myla - My tornado. Full of life and energy. She is funny. She loves to talk. She is so independent. She has the best snuggles, hugs, and kisses. I love her protection over her sister. Kinsley - I love the smile on this sweet baby girls face when she hears my voice. I love how she beams ear to war when she knows it is her momma talking to her. It makes me happy through all this sadness. Love! You never know when your world will turn upside so love! Love, love , love!

Angels Over Me.

It was a cold yet beautiful day here today. The sun was shining brightly. Sunday's T our house always start off the same. I get up bright and early to get all four kids up and ready for church. Kelly gets ready and does his thing. Off we go. Today we didn't have our normal pastor preaching. We had a seminary student preach. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am a creature of routine and if that gets messed with I'm not a happy camper. In the after math of it all am I glad that I listened to this man preach. Our message today was about being in community with one another. About taking the time to care for and do life with others. Sounds good right? We are missing something though. More times then not we rush and rush and don't take the time to actually do these thing. This is how Kelly and I have been feeling. We feel like some days we are walking this road alone. Some says we are succluded from the real world because the real world doesn't know how to handle the pain and suffering we are experiencing. This pastor in training brought up something that I have struggled with all week. As a nation we often stop to say "how is it going" to someone without wanting or having the time to listen to the answer. We invite a person to open up and quickly shut them down by looking for the next person to talk to or not really listening. I feel this way lately. I get angry when people ask me how I'm doing because I know they dint really want the truth. The would be satisfied with a fine, or even great. The truth is not that. We are struggling down a path we never thought we would have to travel. If you want to ask me how I'm doing then lets talk about the truth. I can't hide behind a "fine" or "great" forever. And not only did I feel like this message was telling others about how I felt deep inside but it was also reminding me that if I don't have time to hear what's on someone's heart I need to not ask how it's going. A simple "It's nice to see you" will do just fine. This message touched my heart in more ways then one. I felt like the Lord was saying Danyelle I hear you. I know this is what your experiencing. It brought tears to my eyes. The Lord was doing a work in my heart today. I believe I heard this message today because tomorrow we go back to the eye doctor. Tomorrow will determine our fate. Tomorrow will be the decision on wether or not my sweet baby girl can see. Many tears have been shed today. It's truly an emotional process. But I feel oddly at peace thanks to this message. I know I have a community of supporters lifting us up in prayer. I will be heading to bed peacefully tonight. Knowing the Lord holds me in his arms. Knowing that no matter what the doctor says tomorrow Kinsley is mine. More importantly Kinsley belongs to the Lord and he is holding her tight. Tears will continue to be shed and that's okay. They are tears of comfort knowing I won't be alone. Please pray for us at 9:15am that is when we will be in the doctors office. Please pray for peace and comfort as we walk this road.

Reminders

So today has been a busy day that has ended in me laying in bed with a tiny stomach bug. Yes, first we went to breakfast with baby and then had the dreaded taxes done! Shortly after coming home from that I felt my tummy start to churn. I'm feeling better after getting some fluids, some crackers, and lots of rest, but not ready to do to much yet. As I laid in bed today I thought about many things. How our world has changed. How much care Kinsley takes and will continue to take. Feelings of guilt ran through my head as my husband and I plan our mini vacation. My why us God thoughts came wandering back. The devil was attacking my heart and my head. The I remembered many things. Little reminders that others have told me. Reminders I have gotten from my bible. I am not doing this alone. Kinsley is still the same child she was a week ago, if I was okay going on vacation then I should still be okay going now. The Lord has plans for us! Kinsley doesn't know she's "different". The Lord is carrying me through my pain. I have prayers from many people. My God made Kinsley with a purpose! Kinsley was perfectly and wonderfully made. Did I mention I'm not walking this journey alone? I have been having some hard days. Kinsley is not an easy baby. She needs to be rocked, touched, or talked to in order to not be screaming. I have other kids to tend to. A husband who needs me. Dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and laundry to be done. It's a lot for one given person to accomplish. I do it because I am a mom and that's my job. It's hard to say I wouldn't change it for the world. Some days I would. Being the parent of a special needs child is going to be difficult. It will have its challenges, but it is my new life. I think all of the questions I ask myself, all of the what if's are normal. Who wouldn't question a "storm" in life? I have found great peace in my bible. I have found great peace in doing life with others. I have found peace in knowing many are praying for our family. Please continue your prayers. They are so comforting. Danyelle

Mixed emotions

Yesterday and today were very different. Yesterday I felt like my world was collapsing. Everything with Kinsley's sight makes it feel like the world is a horrible place. How can something so bad be happening to a sweet innocent child? I just don't understand. Before I went to bed I sat and ate my depression favorites, fudgesciles, and had a glass of wine. I ate four of them to be exact. I don't even feel guilty about that. I do however feel guilty about wanting to leave my sweet girl at the end of the month for our mini vacation. Today was okay emotion wise. Kinsley's smiles made me forget that she has problems with her vision. When she smiled all the problems of the world melted away. Today I am feeling as though I will conquer the world. I will show blindness whose boss. I will not let this get me down. This roller coaster ride I am on is making me tired. It is making me feel older then I am. I am living life by the moment. It is hard to plan for the future when you have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Your world can be turned upside down in mere minutes. Mine was. Mine has turned into a journey I never thought I would need to take. I wil come out stronger on the other side. I will meet people I would have never met. I will be the strength to another mom facing these same trails some day. Just as I have had moms mentoring to me in the past few weeks. Please continue to pray for Kinsley and our family. Life will be different then we dreamed. Pray that we grieve, but yet we also see hope in the Lord for our future.

Three years ago today

Happy Anniversary to me! Three years ago I walked down the isle and said yes to my best friend. Now not every one knows the story, but we dated in high school, went our separate ways, and on this day three years ago become life long partners. Three years ago if you asked us what life would look like now it would not be what it is like now. See I marrived my husband with two children already. He was perfectly happy helping me raise my two children. He didn't care to have any more. After a lot of sweet talking he agreed to have one of his own. So in June of 2009 we became pregnant with our sweet little Myla. He was an amazing dad to all three children. Then when Myla was was six months old I started telling him we should try for a son of his own. He agreed to one more. We tried for a son. We found out we were expecting another child 2 weeks before we left for Haiti in March of 2011. Little did we know we would be having another girl. We love all four of our children. Our oldest has special needs. Our son is the sweetest little boy and so full of life, our next daughter is full of energy and independence. Then there is our sweet Kinsley. Our child who once again turned life upside down. We saw our life camping, riding dirt bikes and quads, fishing, and doing lots of out door activities. While those things can still be done by the majority of our children, Kinsley will not be able to do some of those things. We did not expect to have a child that would have special needs. We already had one. There is no way a family could get two special needs children. Our world has been turned upside down. You surly can have more then ine special needs child in a family. This is not what we pictured life to be like. The reality is that our dreams from three years ago are being rewritten. We will have new dreams for the next three years. We wouldnt change our family for anything. God has provided us with some amazing children! He has provided us with lots of love and support from family and friends. God will continue to provide our every need. God will show us all the things Kinsley can still do with no sight. He will show us how we need to adjust life. God is carrying us through this journey! I am very confident today that the Lord love me, he loves Kinsley, and he lives my family. I believe the Lord brought me and my love together for a reason. He knew we would be perfect for each other while raising this family. I am thankful for my husband. He is my best friend, my rock through this difficult time, and the love of my life. Dany