Resting in God

So, Its been a while since I have posted again. Its been hard finding time to blog with Kinsley being sick. Not more then a week after getting out of the hospital she was back to feeling crummy. It started Tuesday with a runny nose and she was pulling at her ear. I knew something was wrong. She wanted to be held constantly and was just plan crabby. Took her into the doctor and my mommy instinct was right. We were put on another antibiotic.

By Wednesday her eyes were all green and drippy. She had pink eye. I called the doctor and they said that because she was already on the antibiotic it would be okay.

Friday morning we were set to go in to the doctors for a Well Child visit. That morning she had woken up no breathing very well. I decided to give her a pulmicort and an abuterol. I didn't worry so much since I knew we would be seeing the doctor. Her nose was still runny and she was still crabby. Once the doctor checked her out it was confirmed that she had an upper respiratory infection. We were to continue the abuterol treatments every 4 hours and to start the pulmicort twice a day instead of once. Then we changed from one antibiotic to another and started orapred. Not exactly what I was expecting. I just want my sweet baby to be healthy. She's been through so much. We were also advised by the doctor to keep away from germs if at all possible. These means we pretty much feel like we need to live in a bubble. It is so hard.

So while getting up every 4 hours leaves me tired. While holding, snuggling, and listening to a crying, miserable baby leaves me exhausted I am finding comfort. I am finding peace. I am resting in God. Resting in his word. Resting in the fact that I can share this burden with fellow believers. I am resting in that peace. I am so grateful for that.

Please pray. Pray for healing, Pray for sleep, Pray for us to finish the winter healthy.

God Bless,

Dany

May Brings

May has been a month of changes and it just started. May is a time for transition for me as we will start our summer at the end of the month. May also means that OG will be getting another year older. May is when things start to get hotter. May, May, May...

I sit and listen to the rain storm. Fresh flowers bloom, grass grows, new life develops from these tiny drops of rain. Life is the same. As I continue to pour the word of the Lord over my life and the life of my children I see them grow, I see them bloom, I see new ways develop in myself and in them.

May has brought peace. It is odd to me how in such time I can find peace. I have come to terms with Kinsley's condition. We have handled three months of this life we what is another 100 years? We will dominate blindness. We will kick it in the rear and tell it that although it is present it will not bring us down. May brings lots of therapy for K. We are praying May brings sitting, more use of her limbs, and eating solids. We are praying big changes for K in May.

May brings chaos. How can you have peace and chaos? I have peace with K's condition, but chaos will start as OG brings down the school year. We have last field trips, end of the year parties, and graduation. We have parades and picnics. OG thrives on routine so our adjustments from school to home are always rough. I spend a good week mapping out a plan for how the summer will run so that we can be on a routine that fits for everyone. Not wavering from the routine is important.

May brings joy and celebration. OG turns six this year. She is just a joy. We are having a birthday party fit for an aspiring artist. We will have lots of fun. OG was born on my birthday so we can grow older together. Recently OG has matured, she has become this older child instead of still having a younger mind set. There was just a light that clicked that made her see the world from a higher thinking. I am excited as she continues to bring us joy and as we get to celebrate all that her life means to us.

May brings a lot of things. It is certainly one of our busiest months. We may be changing things around here even more. A couple meetings away from being able to announce anything officially, but it is a great opportunity for our family to be blessed and be a blessing. I am so thankful to the Lord for all his blessings. My business (Creations By Mommy), my husbands business (Proper Disposal), and his full time job have all been a blessing. Each one is growing and bringing forth more opportunities.

Pray with us that May continues to go as peacefully as it has been. Please pray that as we continue to seek official report of anything more that might be wrong with K in regards to her vision and in regards to her lack of motor skills that we will stay at peace. Knowing in our hearts that God gave us a wonderfully created child, made in his image, who will do his work, sight or not. Please pray that our transition from school to summer will be smooth. Pray that we all adjust quickly. 

Love

I have felt all the love in the world today. Love for me, for my family, for our situation. On my way home from a bible study we do on Thursday nights I cried. I cried not because I was sad, but because I felt so loved.

My family loves me. I have no doubt of this. They are there for me, my husband, and my kids. They will always be there for us. They will love us through Kinsley's disabilities. They will love us when life gets tough, when life is messy. Of this there is no doubt. I have an excellent Mother, father, brother and sisters. I have a fabulous sister in law and great nephews. My in laws are just as wonderful. I get random emails from my sister in law that are often devotions I need to hear for the day. I have a brother that just loves on my children in the most gentle ways. They way he held onto Kinsley tonight just showed how much he loves and cares for her. The time he take to talk to each one of our kids. My mother never leaves me. Shes always there for me to talk to. She knows from experience the hardships it takes to raise a child with special needs. My dad is amazing also. The way his face shines when he hears our oldest call him "ganpa" or our Son ask him "whats in your truck?" is priceless. One of my sisters has handicaps and she just loves being an aunt. My other sister now lives 20 hours away and although we have never always gotten along I know the love she has for me, our family, and for her niece. She will always put our disagreements on life out of the way if it means supporting her family. My in-laws are wonderful. At first I felt as though I wasn't welcome into their family. I felt like I was the  last person they wanted their son to be with because I had two children already. In the past year they have done nothing, but make our family feel so loved. My mother in law helps feed my sewing addiction by going to the fabric stores with me. She comes over to help sew and we can talk about whatever. My father in law is always helping with the kids and loves being a grandpa. I am so blessed to have all of this family surrounding us during this journey.

Family is not the only way I have felt loved lately. I have been making some good connections with friends. I don't have many friends. Seeing as I stay at home with my kids I don't go out to do a lot. I don't make a lot of friends. Also if I make friends they might want to get close to our family. They might feel the pain of this journey we are on with Kinsley's vision. This scares me and therefore I stay away from making to many friends. I have reconnected with a friend, who I for a while felt so distant from. Things had happened between this friend and I. I though things would never feel good enough to be friends again. Well guess what? Tonight proved to me that she truly cares about our family. She truly loves us even though we are going through a difficult time. I can say that I felt loved. At bible study she even walked me through a different perspective of life that I didn't think about before. She spoke truth in my life. It wasn't just her that made me feel loved though. My whole bible study group did. They listened, the shared, the prayed for us. It was amazing. I left bible study feeling at peace. Happy even that I do truly have friends where I felt like I didn't really fit in. Most of all I am glad that I have a friend back. I cried. I cried all the way. Today was a great day! I am going to bed feeling blessed beyond measure.

Kinsley had a therapy appointment this morning. She is very limber. She has no resistance on the left side of her body. Her right side is weak also, but not to the extent of the left. We need to be doing some therapy 6 times a day for 20 minutes each time. Hopefully this will allow her to get her strength up so she can start sitting and reaching other milestones that need to be reached. Thank you for your continued prayer. Please pray that we find out the results of her MRI tomorrow. I really don't want to have to wait the whole weekend to find out on Monday. 

A Normal Day

I am not sure that I can even call this life normal. It's not. However, today has seemed the most normal in a long time. I tried to keep my mind off what Kinsley's diagnosis. I tried to keep my mind off her upcoming MRI. I tried to make the day as normal as possible. Guess what, It was peaceful.

The day started uneventful and continued. Although neither of the little girls didn't want to nap today it didn't seem to matter. I was at peace. I didn't get to nap or sew like I normally would do while they are all napping in the afternoon, but that was okay. I just rolled with the punches.

If I have learned anything about this new life we are traveling it is that I am not in control. My plans can be just that plans. They may or may not happen. God is teaching me that as long as I abide in him I will be fine! I will make it through all things. I can have peace during these stressful times. I think the hardest thing for me is through this whole thing is the ups and downs. Its an emotional roller coaster that I am not sure how to handle some days. I will take whatever peaceful days I can get.

I can truly feel all of your prayers. Please keep them coming. 

Upside Down and All Around

Please excuse my break from blogging. Oh how I have missed it. I needed to take a slight break to deal with life. It has kind of gotten out of control. So where do I start? Let me think about this.

I hope all of you had a very blessed Easter! I spent mine with family. Kinsley also go baptized. And it was her daddy's birthday. It was a packed weekend, but full of fun. Enjoy a picture of her in her outfit made my mommy!

Well this diagnosis is hard! The day I think it gets easier I get knocked right back down. Its hard to think about some days. With Kinsley being the only baby her age that we really know I don't ever seem to think of her as behind or delayed. She is just who she is. While this is still true. She is her own person, she is behind others her age. This was brought to my attention today. It was a smack in the face so to say. This life is hard. There are still days I want to cry.

After much hassle with the insurance company and the eye doctor Kinsley will have an MRI on April 23rd. I am scared and elated at the same time. I am so glad it is happening. That we will get an even clearer picture of what is happening in my poor baby girl's head, but I'm scared.

As I said, I have had a rough go about the past week or so. Life has brought me down. I have not been handling things well, which is what brought on the hiatus from blogging. I did realize the other day that blogging does help and therefore hopefully these breaks wont happen often.

Since Monday I have been doing something on my facebook wall to help me with this life I am trying to make sense of. I have been claiming victory in the name of my heavenly father over certain aspects of my day and feelings. Boy has this helped! If I say it out loud and share it publicly I have been more apt to actually feel that way. It has in turned made this house more peaceful, fun, and joyful. I have been able to release some of the pains I have been suffering.

A verse that I wear on a hat says this "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

The same thing goes for my Victory over statements. If I confess what I have victory over and believe them my life will be better! Not 100% free from the attacks of the devil, but I will be able to better handle life.

Please continue to pray for us. This journey is far from over. This journey has just begun. We are still dealing with it on a daily basis. Please continue to pray for strength and understand for my husband and I.

To long

Its been way to long since I've blogged last. I've been super busy trying to figure out a schedule that works for our family. I am trying to find a balance between my work, my family, and relaxation. It's quite a task. I think I am finally coming to a good routine. I am feeling better about life when I am in a good groove. I fell off my groove the other day and once I do it throws me off for a few days, this is why I haven't blogged. My depression sometimes gets me down over things I can't figure out. I lost a very important piece to my brand new machine. I couldn't find it and therefore my machine would not work. I was upset and angry at myself for losing this part. This then caused me to over sleep and be pretty mopey all day. That turned into me not sticking to my routine and being more upset the next morning because all of those chores I do at night so I can wake up to a clean house were not done. I got back on top of it th next day, but I can still fell the anxiousness. Part of this anxiousness is because my schedule is off today, tomorrow, and Sunday. Today we had the therapists come out. This was both fusterating and angering. They told me my child could see even though I politely showed them why the doctor said she can't. To get her to track objects they were using beads and other things that make noise. I told them that if they took the noise portion out of the equation that she stopped tracking. Sure enough they saw that, but it wasn't enough for them to be concerned. She still lifts her head and moves for the noise. They also didn't address that her head still is down most of the time or the fact that she doesn't really care to use her legs. I am outraged. Help my baby! Help me help my baby! I really just wanted to cry. I needed to try to pick myself up. I need to try not to let it get to me, but it does. I then went with my husband to FIRST Robotics. They are having a competion on our home turf and because he mentors we wanted to show support. Tomorrow we will be going back to ROBOTICS. I will also be getting ready for my Monkey Girls Birthday Party. We are having a monkey theme. It will be fun, but the day won't be how it normally is. This throws me off. Sundaynis the party which will make the day off. Please pray for peace as we go through the next couple of days and they are not how I normally spend them. Please continue to pray for Kinsley. They are felt. They are needed.

One month ago...

One month ago today we found received the devastating news that our baby girl has no vision. She is blind. I remember the moments like they were yesterday. I remember driving up to the eye doctor. Ever second seemed like it was dragging. I checked in to the front desk with a quiver in my voice. I knew what the day would bring. It was in my gut. I just needed to know. I very anxiously awaited the arrival of my husband. He went into work that morning and met us over at the doctor. I remember the moment we got called back. I could feel the shakes and the tears. I carried my sweet girl to the exam room where the nurse ran another serious of tests. Both with her glasses in and off these tests were run. No change. The nurse wanted to be so hopeful. The nurse said everything with a cheer in her voice, but her cheer was not fooling me. I knew the truth. I knew that our fear her glasses weren't working was becoming a reality before our eyes. Grasping at straws in hopes that there was still something that could be done the nurse asked of she cold have her glasses. She wanted to check to make sure that her prescription was not wrong. When she came back to the room she confirmed that the glasses were the right strength. No change was happening. So we waited. We waited for the doctor to arrive with official word on what would be a lie turning day. We waited and waited. Kelly and I talked about how a doctor might prepare to tell parents that something so life changing is wrong with their child. We talked about how hard it must be for them, how they go about mentally handling something so awful. 45 minutes we waited for the doctor, but the it was time for the truth. The doctor ran the same tests the the nurse ran. Still failing all of them. Then she let us have it. "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but your daughter can't see. Her vision is not there." at this moment I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to run away kicking and screaming! Not my baby! Not my baby! She explained that we would be well cared for. There is a community of blind persons that are always supporting each other. It will be an easy path to navigate with this support. We got ready to setup our next appointment. Once in the parking lot I fell into my husbands arms and cried. My baby was blind. My baby was going to live her life with no vision. My friends this is not an easy path! This is not the one I would have chooses. I am still naviagting. I am still trying to find this community of support. I'm still trying to cope. I'm depressed, but working on it. A very, very dear and caring person close to our family brought a boom over today. Overcoming Depression. I'm excited to start reading it. I know with God I can start overcoming this depression I fght. I know with God I can deal with those things life throws at me regarding Kinsley. I know with God Kinsley will be able to live a life full of joy and promise. It will just take different paths then those of my children with sight. Please continue to pray for us. We have made it through a month, but have been told the first 2 years are the toughest. This is when most of the milestones happen and also when the most learning/changing happens. In this time they learn to roll, sit, crawl and walk. All of these milestones will come with challenges. These first two years will be hard. Please keep praying for our family! I can feel the prayers. I can feel the support all of you who read this blog give. Please continue to pray. Danyelle

Surviving

One month ago today I was up all night tossing and turning. I was awaiting the morning that would change my life forever. One month ago today I was waiting for the dreaded words I ended up receiving. One month ago today I was up all night wrestling with God saying "please make this a dream, please heal my baby. What do I need to do Lord for her to see." It was a long night. I'm not sure I slept much. Here I am one month from then still alive. Still trudging through the waters of Kinsleys diagnosis. Still hanging on to the fact that my Lord and Savior will carry me through. I will tell you this month has not been without struggle. I will tell you this life will not be without struggle. Today my husband made mention that most kids Kinsley's age either get scared of big dogs like ours or laugh and giggle when big dogs likes our come up to them. Kinsley does none of this. I must admit I cried. It's those little things we take for granted. I would be so happy even with the scared cry because it would mean she can see. Alas she can't. She won't. Not unless my heavenly father heals her in our lifetime. If you have young children like Kinsley please don't take for granted those small moments that get your child's attention. Even if it is a cry. Savor it. Hold onto it. It means they can see! It means their eyes are serving their purpose. We took a walk today. We enjoyed the beauty that surrounded us. Kinsley can not enjoy the beauty the same as us. It's hard on this heart of mine. The day has been full of tears. The day has been full of some realizations. The day has been draining. I have been doing some things to keep me from going to far into a depression where I want to sit and do nothing. I have myself on a pretty good schedule. I have created a list of things to do in which I choose five evey day. Of those five et done I can pick some more. This makes me feel like Im getting things done, but also giving me permission to enjoy my kids, my husband, and life in general. I have also been working up a storm. Please pray that I continue on this path that currently has me feeling pretty good. Please pray that the partners I have set up to check in on me for accountability continue to do so. Pray for our marriage to continue to stay strong, pray we keep finding ways to connect as husband and wife and get out if the constant care Kinsley requires. Pray that this new life we are doing will soon become normal. The surprises by what Kinsley can't see will sting less and the joys of what she an do without vision become more! Your prayers are felt every day, and for them my family and I are grateful. Danyelle

All Good Streaks Come to an End

I was having some really good days. Like I posted yesterday despite taking my depression meds I have been doing a really job being able to pick myself up when things have been thrown in my path. Today was the end of that streak. Today has been another really hard day. I feel as though I have been kicked down by those closet to me. I feel like I have made mistakes that are bad I guess. I'm not really sure. I guess making people I haven't realized I made my mad. I'm mad myself people! I'm struggling to figure all this out myself. I'm bund to slip up. I'm bound to make mistakes. I am human after all. I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate this new world. I'm scared to let people help. If I let people help then they might feel this pain I feel. If people help I don't know how they will handle my very colicky, fussy, whiny baby. She's my burden to carry because I chose to have her. Not that I see her as a burden, but others might if they had to care for her. Kelly and I were the ones that chose to have four children. We should deal with it right? I'm feeling as though today I've not done a single thing right. I have been told today the things I have d. Wrong this past week. It stings. It hurts. I'm down. Im crying. I need to stay strong. I also need grace. I need the Lord to help me. I need him to also show others that I am trying. That it's just hard. Hurt. Sad. Crying. That is how I will finish this day. The good days have had their run. Maye tomorrow they can stop by again. Today they were beaten by sadness. Im to tried to try to be happy any more today. The one good things a out today is I was asked to help some girl scouts on their sewing badge. It makes me feel good that someone thought of me to use my talent sewing to help some girls learn. In all the sadness today there was something good. I'm glad I was asked to help. It makes me feel like I have a talent and that I can help others instead of someone always helping me. Please join us in prayer. I need strength. I need understanding. I need grace. Please pray tomorrow is a happier day. Danyelle

Highs and lows

I have been having a few pretty good days with the minor kinks thrown in. Despite not taking my depression meds I have been feeling decent. I do have the occasional anxiety attack which brings me down for a while but I have been able to pick back up. I am a little out of sorts tonight. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling rushed. I'm feeling behind. My meds would help me not feel anxious. I must get them. I need to try to get the script tomorrow and head over to the free med clinic we have in town. I spent about an hour talking to my in laws tonight. While it was great conversation and nice to get out of the house I am paying the price of anxiety because I haven't completed my tasks that needed to get done as of yet. I stil, have a while of my night left to go. I am feeling hurt by words that were sad. I was told I needed to give up this kick that Kinsley is blind. I was told this by someone close to me. How can I give up this "kick" when the medical professionals we have seen have told us she is blind. How can I give up this "kick" when if I give it up that she may never get the help she needs. How can I give up on the fact that my child IS blind. I need to accept reality. I need to do with what I have been given. Is this what I wanted for m baby? Is this how I planed my life to be? No! It is most certainly not what I wanted, but it was what the Lord h provided me. Hurt, sad, lost. I am starting to get myself back. Realizing I'm a night person and would rather stay up Kate then go to bed esrly is huge! I stil get 7 hours of sleep (interrupted of course), but without getting up way early. I would rather get chores done by staying up later then everyone else in the house then getting up before the kids. I also like that because I stay up and get so much done I can take an afternoon nap with my munchkins. This helps me catch up because of the interruptions I get at night thanks to Miss Kinsley. I am also glad to be sewing again. This is something I really enjoy. I love creating new things, I love making them for others. I love that I can make money off from it which is helping provide for my family! Mix emotions tonight. Please pray. Pray my anxiety attacks will go away. Please pray for Kelly and I to keep our relationship strong. Please pray for all these uncertain things we still don't know about Kinsleys vision. Please pray that we can keep coming to peace with her blindness. Please pray that nothing stands in our way. Danyelle

All falling into place

This journey has me on such a roller coaster. I go from the darkest pit to feeling like I can be happy and back again. Over the past few days I have been feeling over all pretty well. There are a few times during the day that I feel lost, dark, and down. I came to this conculsion after talking to a very dear friend. I lost myself. I let myself go so deep into the pit of darkness I gave up all the little techniques I used to keep me going. I used these tools to keep me feeling safe, secure, and on track. I gave them all up because I was so sad. I gave them up because other people thought it was funny that I needed these things to make me happy. I am a very routine, schedule, lists type person. Without these things I feel lost. I feel insecure. People didn't think I needed these things to be happy, but I do. If I didn't have friends to talk to I would have never figured it out. I would have kept on going in my darkness. Now I have a plan. I'm back to my lists and schedules. Want to know what's great? My friends and family are there for me, if Kinsley has a rough day, I get sick, we have lots of appointments or whatever they are there to tell me it'd okay if my lists didnt get done. They are also there to tell me when I have put to much stuff on my list. They are there. It'd amazing to feel like I have support. Kelly tried to test Kinlsey's vision again the other night. We both have hopes that maybe one day we will be shocked and she will be able to see out of no where. This wasn't the case the other night. Still no sign of vision. We really need to stop testing it. We really need to start coming to terms with the fact that this is how it will be. This is our life. Our baby is blind. We need to try not to lose each other, we need to try to make sure our other kids feel like the belong, we need time to ourselves so our whole family can process. It is tough this journey. It is tough. Please continue to pray. Kelly and I are both very stressed from the care Kinsley requires. It sometimes causes problems. See get angry wit each other, with our other kids, and with Kinsley. Pray we continue to take the steps we need to take in seeking help to make it through on this journey. Dany.

A shining light!

The Lord my God is my light. He is my shining star. I shall lean on him through this dark time. The on,y one who knows the extent of darkness I am feeling on this journey is God. I am trying to hold it together for my husband, my children, my family and my friends. I don't want any one to know what is deep within my heart. The pain is to much for some else to bear. The Lord is the only one capable of bearing my load. He is the only one that will carry my burdens without complaint. I can feel him holding onto me tonight. I can hear him says "Dear child, we can make it, you will survive. I have a plan for you and it goes way beyond what you can imagine." Over the course of the last few days I have had this feeling, this urge, to write a boom. Maybe that is why I blog. Maybe some day my blog will turn into an inspiring story of how you can go from finding out you baby is blind and still come out alive. Maybe my story will be an inspiration to others. Maybe my story will be a hope in a time of darkness. I know what the darkness and grieving for the futur of a child is like. I do it ever day. One of these days I need to get past this grieving. One of these days I need to get through this storm. So many things seem to be causing me to stay in this storm. So many things are hard. I will tell you this. The Lord has surrounded me with blessing though. My mother in law and I are getting closer through this experience. I am thankful for that. The Lord gave be the worlds greatest friend. We will call her Mommy Bean here on the blog. She comes with her son Bean and watches the kids while I work. She is a listening ear when I need to chat. She is a shoulder to cry on, a distraction when I need it, and a hug any time. She has carried me through some of my darkest days without even realizing she has done it. Her and I have been friends since before my Monkey girl and her Bean were even born. Monkey girl and Bean are destined to be married some day. The Lord knew I would need her through this journey. Today is a better day despite after testing Kinsleys sight she still wasnt tracking. I need to start realizing that testing it myself isn't going to produce the results I want. I need to come to terms with the hand I have been dealt. One positive is I got to sell some of my work at a craft show. I was able to spend time with my family. I also got lots of snuggles from the baby before she feel asleep. I need to have more of these days then the bad days. I like these days better. Oh and something else I love, on those days I'm really really struggling, God shows my sister in law a devotional to pass on to me. Seriouly, every time I am struggling with something it is like she just knows. Every time it has spoke right to my heart. It is seriously amazing how God is bringing me closer to the people he knows care about my well being. Today was a good day start to finish. Praying tomorrow can be just as great. Will you being praying with me? Please do pray for our family. Pray for me to start having more good days. Pray that Early on starts coming like they said. Pray that we make it through one day at a time. Dany

Ups and downs.

This crazy life I live is full of ups and downs. Not only can my sweet baby girl not see she is sick. She is having breathing difficulties. She also has an ear infection. I feel so bad for her. All she has done all day is cry or whine. Nothing makes her feel better. I wish I could take her pain away. I wish I could make her see. I wish I could take all of her sickness away! I went from having a fabulous vacation which was high on happy emotions to another very low point. I am remembering my book. It's all about choices. I need to choose the high road. I sat down and did the dreaded budget. This is one thing my husband and I never agree on and it as o different tonight. The planner in me wants to have all the numbers crunched and if they don't match up I want to have a plan to make up the differnence. He on the ther hand says just lay the bills when they come in. Doing the budget makes me depressed. I hate trying to figure out finances because it never seems like there is enough! So low. So sad. So down. A friend asked today "What one thing are you thankful for today?" It brought emotions I wasn't expecting. I am thankful that I have sight. I am thankful that Kinsley isn't as sick as she could be. I am thankful for doctors who know what they are doing. I am thankful for a new job brought to my husband by my savior! I posted a comment about this job landing in my husbands lap even though he wasn't looking for a new job. Someone gently reminded me that it didn't just land in his lap. My God gave it to him. He knew what we were going to go through and knew he would need a new job. I love this job already. He came home in such a good mood this morning. It's so amazing how the environment of a work place can affect one so much. It was awesome to hear a out his day. So happy. Soaring about all emotions. Smiling ear to ear. We also bought a new car. This brings happiness and stress. We bought it used and whi,e it is truly the best fit for our family and was an awesome deal, we will need to have a few things fixed. This is an up and down feeling. The hills of the roller coaster called life. One dag at a time. My Lord is carrying me through this life. I am going to continue to be positive. I am going to continue to choose to not give up. I am going to keep living in the word of my God. I am going to continue to find strength in him. He will rise above all else. He will be the one I praise even when feeling down. He will reign. Please continue to pray for us. Please pray that Kinsley feels better soon. Pray that emotions here get back on track. Pleas pray that we continue to make our focus to the Lord who saves us. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your prayers. I think God tells all of you when we need a few extras because I can feel them during some of my saddest moments during the day. I then feel at peace.

This crazy life I live

Our vacation was AMAZING! The time my husband and I were able to spend alone was much needed and some would say deserved. We went to the Mall of America and Ikea. It was fantastic! So much shopping was done. My husband and I held hands, walk around, and enjoyed each others company. We ate full dinners and had uninteruptted conversations. It was a piece of heaven. Part of me feels guilty for feeling that way, but it was much needed. Him and I are now on the same page again emotionally, physically, and as far as parenting goes. It's amazing! We both feel so renewed, so refreshed. Once home we were greeted by three coughing children. Ah this is life. Never a dull moment in our house. The colds are making their way around our family. The first question asked at our house was "What did you bring home for me?" they loved their presents. Our boy got Legos. We bought him a camper set. Our family loves camping! He was in heaven. He also liked that daddy filled a Lego extra box just for him. Our oldest received the new lego friends collect which she loved! Later after she went onto my room without my knowledge she found the American Girl doll that we had bought for her. So of course she had to have it opened. I was planning on saving it for her birthday. Our other monkey got a monkey shirt and an American itty bitty doll. Kinsley got clothes, rattles, and a kitty that her daddy picked out. It shakes and laughs. The coolest part is that I think she likes it the best. After we were home for a bit we noticed Kinsleys slight cough took a turn for the worst. She started breathing really bad, she was becoming lathrgetic, and I could see her ribs every time she took a breath. Kelly and I asked his parents to come babysit and took her to the emergency room as fast as we could. Once there I have never seen so many doctors in a room so fast. They got my baby hooked up to all the right cords and did all the right tests. She was stablished and was able to come home. I cried! Kinsley makes life such a roller coaster. She makes life harder then I ever wished. I love him more then anything in the world, just as I love my other children. She makes me emotional. Her poor little life is aways a fight for something. It makes me sad. I do have to tell you though tht I fell in love with my husband. This weekend he reminded me of how amazing he thought I was, but tonight was better. There is nothing more attractive and appealing to me the. Watching my husband be concerned, compassionate and sweet to our sick little girl. Watching him be a daddy is the best thing in the world. He is truly an amazing man. Please continue to pray for our family. Pray that Kinsley feels better soon and that we don't end up back in the hospital. Pray formKelly as he starts his new job tomorrow! We are all excited a out this new chance that arose. Thank you thank you for your prayers.

Love, love, love

Valentines day. Do I need to celebrate love and happiness? There is so much sadness in my life today. How can I possibly be happy and show love. Those were the thoughts that traveled through my mind first thing this morning. I needed to take these thoughts captive. I needed throw them out. Of course I need to celebrate love and happiness. I have kids, a husband, family, and friends. What isn't there to celebrate. With my new mindset I started the day. I got my energetic 5 year old ready for her very exciting valentines party. Got all the other kids ready and then headed out. Once home from dropping Ondrea off at school I had to make a choice. A. Sit on my butt all day and be sad. B. clean like a mad women and let the kids do whatever. Or C. Spend some time with the kids to keep my mind from bringing me to that sad place. So I played. I blew up some red balloons. I drew hearts on the, and wrote each of my childrens names. One on each balloon. We tossed them in the air, played catch, and then rubbed them on our heads to make our hair stand up. It was a blast! I'm so glad I chose to play. I don't want my kids to se me down or sad all the time because of Kinsley. I need to be strong. We had Parents as Teachers come out for an hour today to do some play activites with Kinsley. It was fun. They will continue to be a huge support for our family. It was now time for lunch. Then the kids went down for a nap. This is where my day went down hill. In the silence I sat. No one to talk to. No one to play with. Silence. My thoughts began to get worse. My thoughts turned against my choice to be positive. Why me Lord? Why me? I want my baby to see my face. I want her to see her own beauty. Lord why? Lord wake me up from this nightmare I am having. What did I do to make her this way? The thoughts kept coming. I was feeling worse. I sat. At in silence with my thoughts. I cried. This journey is hard. I need to walk it with the right light. And so I did. I opened my bible and there we Psalms 23. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil. I dont HAVE to be afarid of this blindness. His rod and his staff they comfort me. These are comforting words. He knows I'm on this road. The Lord brought me to it, but he is not making me do it alone. Getting into his word every day, talking to friends and family, I am surrounded by love. God loves me. God loves Kinsley. I thought I would tell you all the reason why I love my husband and each of my children. Kelly - He is my rock. He provided for this family at all cost. He cares about his children. He loves teaching them new things. He is a great friend and even better husband. Ondrea - My first born. A special kind of love. Strong willed yet super sweet. Her love of music and dancing is beyond my knowledge. She has a heart of gold and a love for God that anyone would be jealous of. Parker - My only boy. A special kind of love also. Sweet and tender hearted. He loves all people all the time. He feels bad when people get hurt. He helps with dishes and with laundry. He will some day make a great husband, Myla - My tornado. Full of life and energy. She is funny. She loves to talk. She is so independent. She has the best snuggles, hugs, and kisses. I love her protection over her sister. Kinsley - I love the smile on this sweet baby girls face when she hears my voice. I love how she beams ear to war when she knows it is her momma talking to her. It makes me happy through all this sadness. Love! You never know when your world will turn upside so love! Love, love , love!

Tears, Prayers, and Hope

Today made our reality official. At 9:15am we went to the eye doctor. In the exam room i felt my body begi to fill with fear. My heart was in my stomach and mu hands were shaking. This was by far the hardest moment yet. Waiting. We got pulled from the waiting room rather promptly. We were in the exam room where the nurse began to do the initial testing of Kinsley's eyes. The nurse talked, charted, shined some lights, move some objects, and repeated. Hopeful to see some change in Kinsley's eye sight wage was just as disappointed as we were. As she got ready to leave she said the doctor will be with you shortly. we waited yet again. We waited for the official news that was going t change our life forever. Thirty long and painfully agonizing minuts lapsed. Finally we hear a knock,knock, knock. If my heart wasn't already in the lit of my stomach it was now. If my hands were not trembeling they were now. If I wasn't already trying to choke back tears I was now. The knock on the door meant there was no turning back. We were about to be faced with reality. In walks the doctor. She smiles. She shakes our hands and tells us how nice it is to see us. Then she asks the question we knew we would hear. "How are her glasses doing?" When we told her there has been no change you could see the worry come across her face. She knew what she was going to have to tell us. She then proceeded to test using all th same methods as the nurse. Kinsley once again failing all of them. The doctor kept watching. Watching in hopes that we may see one slight little hope that there is something there. Watching. Hoping. Then came the news. She startd by saying we would need to take Kinsley for an MRI. The MRI would show why she could not see. Not that it will fix anything, but we need to see where the damage is being done. Then she told us the news. Kinsley culd not see. She was blind. I held myself together. I could not let this doctor see that I was weak. I could not let her know she has just shattered my whole world. She took away hopes and dreams. I finished listening to her talk. Hopeful we would make it through this journey she said we didn't have to do it alone. She told is there are resources, support groups, and people available to help guide us through this uncharted waters. Again she remained hopeful. Hopeful that if Kelly and I surrounded ourselves with the right people we would survive. I'm not so sure. She liken this journey we are on to facing a fear. She said a person who hates public speaking tries to avoid it, but once they do it a few times it gets better. My the times they have done it a bit they actually enjoy it. She said on this journey we will hate the first few weeks or months. We will find them hard and want to try to avoid the truth, but after we have traveled this path a while it will become more tolerable. Tolerable enough to the point where we wil, enjoy the place this journey is taking us on. She shook our hands and left. Out in the parking lot I placed Kinsley in the van. I hugged my husband and cried. My world had been crushed. My world had been thrown of this picture perfect track. I needed his embrace. I needed to feel his warmth and comfort. He has been my rock of strength through this. He is my partner, my love, my support. He was holding me up when I wanted to just collapse to the ground. As Kelly went back to worm I headed back to my other children. They were at my brothers house. Once there I cried some more, not realizing how hard those words would be to hear. We knew it was a possibility. Why was I letting it get me so sad. I got some snuggles from my nephew. (seeing as my brothers kids loves Mario I will refer to his childre as Mario characters) My nephew Luigi snuggles. He is the sweetest boy. He loves Kinsley. And to say he loves Kinsley is an understatement. I got the pleasure of taking Luigi to school where he talked my ear off about the valentines party he was going to have. As I said good bye he played our special little game. He said "bye. I not love you Aunt Dany" and he giggled a sweet giggle. It brought tears and a smile to my face. As the day poured on more people were called, more people offered support and prayers. More tears were shed. More questions were asked and more dreams were grieved. It will take time to heal. I need to deal with reality. I need to grieve. I ended my day by going out for some drinks with my sister in law and a family friend. There they allowed me to share a piece of this pain I am carrying. There they were the best friends I could ask for. There I was able to talk about my pain or the weather. They let me be me. And the loved on my Kinsley! It was nice to they wanted to take the time to spend some time with me on o e of the hardest days of my life. It was nice of them to want to enter into the pain that I'm carrying. I feel as though they each took a piece of my pain with them. That makes my load a little lighter. I am thanking the Lord for these amazing women. They love God, the love Kinsley, and the love me. They touched my heart, sometims the pain of others lives is to much for us to want to enter into. They were not afraid. They entered. They entered with love and support. For that I am thankful. Support has been given today. Resources have been found for us so that in this time of grieving we dint have to do a ton of research. Prayers have been offered for us. Smiles have been given. Hugs have been given. Love has been given. By those things I will rest in peace tonight. Knowing my God loves me enough to carry me through this pain. P,ease continue to pray for my sweet baby girl, our family, and friends and we experience a journey like none we ever imagined we would face. Danyelle.

Angels Over Me.

It was a cold yet beautiful day here today. The sun was shining brightly. Sunday's T our house always start off the same. I get up bright and early to get all four kids up and ready for church. Kelly gets ready and does his thing. Off we go. Today we didn't have our normal pastor preaching. We had a seminary student preach. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am a creature of routine and if that gets messed with I'm not a happy camper. In the after math of it all am I glad that I listened to this man preach. Our message today was about being in community with one another. About taking the time to care for and do life with others. Sounds good right? We are missing something though. More times then not we rush and rush and don't take the time to actually do these thing. This is how Kelly and I have been feeling. We feel like some days we are walking this road alone. Some says we are succluded from the real world because the real world doesn't know how to handle the pain and suffering we are experiencing. This pastor in training brought up something that I have struggled with all week. As a nation we often stop to say "how is it going" to someone without wanting or having the time to listen to the answer. We invite a person to open up and quickly shut them down by looking for the next person to talk to or not really listening. I feel this way lately. I get angry when people ask me how I'm doing because I know they dint really want the truth. The would be satisfied with a fine, or even great. The truth is not that. We are struggling down a path we never thought we would have to travel. If you want to ask me how I'm doing then lets talk about the truth. I can't hide behind a "fine" or "great" forever. And not only did I feel like this message was telling others about how I felt deep inside but it was also reminding me that if I don't have time to hear what's on someone's heart I need to not ask how it's going. A simple "It's nice to see you" will do just fine. This message touched my heart in more ways then one. I felt like the Lord was saying Danyelle I hear you. I know this is what your experiencing. It brought tears to my eyes. The Lord was doing a work in my heart today. I believe I heard this message today because tomorrow we go back to the eye doctor. Tomorrow will determine our fate. Tomorrow will be the decision on wether or not my sweet baby girl can see. Many tears have been shed today. It's truly an emotional process. But I feel oddly at peace thanks to this message. I know I have a community of supporters lifting us up in prayer. I will be heading to bed peacefully tonight. Knowing the Lord holds me in his arms. Knowing that no matter what the doctor says tomorrow Kinsley is mine. More importantly Kinsley belongs to the Lord and he is holding her tight. Tears will continue to be shed and that's okay. They are tears of comfort knowing I won't be alone. Please pray for us at 9:15am that is when we will be in the doctors office. Please pray for peace and comfort as we walk this road.

Reminders

So today has been a busy day that has ended in me laying in bed with a tiny stomach bug. Yes, first we went to breakfast with baby and then had the dreaded taxes done! Shortly after coming home from that I felt my tummy start to churn. I'm feeling better after getting some fluids, some crackers, and lots of rest, but not ready to do to much yet. As I laid in bed today I thought about many things. How our world has changed. How much care Kinsley takes and will continue to take. Feelings of guilt ran through my head as my husband and I plan our mini vacation. My why us God thoughts came wandering back. The devil was attacking my heart and my head. The I remembered many things. Little reminders that others have told me. Reminders I have gotten from my bible. I am not doing this alone. Kinsley is still the same child she was a week ago, if I was okay going on vacation then I should still be okay going now. The Lord has plans for us! Kinsley doesn't know she's "different". The Lord is carrying me through my pain. I have prayers from many people. My God made Kinsley with a purpose! Kinsley was perfectly and wonderfully made. Did I mention I'm not walking this journey alone? I have been having some hard days. Kinsley is not an easy baby. She needs to be rocked, touched, or talked to in order to not be screaming. I have other kids to tend to. A husband who needs me. Dinner to cook, dishes to wash, and laundry to be done. It's a lot for one given person to accomplish. I do it because I am a mom and that's my job. It's hard to say I wouldn't change it for the world. Some days I would. Being the parent of a special needs child is going to be difficult. It will have its challenges, but it is my new life. I think all of the questions I ask myself, all of the what if's are normal. Who wouldn't question a "storm" in life? I have found great peace in my bible. I have found great peace in doing life with others. I have found peace in knowing many are praying for our family. Please continue your prayers. They are so comforting. Danyelle

Mixed emotions

Yesterday and today were very different. Yesterday I felt like my world was collapsing. Everything with Kinsley's sight makes it feel like the world is a horrible place. How can something so bad be happening to a sweet innocent child? I just don't understand. Before I went to bed I sat and ate my depression favorites, fudgesciles, and had a glass of wine. I ate four of them to be exact. I don't even feel guilty about that. I do however feel guilty about wanting to leave my sweet girl at the end of the month for our mini vacation. Today was okay emotion wise. Kinsley's smiles made me forget that she has problems with her vision. When she smiled all the problems of the world melted away. Today I am feeling as though I will conquer the world. I will show blindness whose boss. I will not let this get me down. This roller coaster ride I am on is making me tired. It is making me feel older then I am. I am living life by the moment. It is hard to plan for the future when you have no clue what tomorrow will bring. Your world can be turned upside down in mere minutes. Mine was. Mine has turned into a journey I never thought I would need to take. I wil come out stronger on the other side. I will meet people I would have never met. I will be the strength to another mom facing these same trails some day. Just as I have had moms mentoring to me in the past few weeks. Please continue to pray for Kinsley and our family. Life will be different then we dreamed. Pray that we grieve, but yet we also see hope in the Lord for our future.

Support and Grace

I've cried today, but not over Kinsley's vision. I have cried over the amount of support and grace I feel like my family is receiving. The people closest to is in life are allowing us to be vulnerable. They are giving us space when they feel we need it, the are making themselves available, and they are just loving us where we are. This is huge! Those that know my husband and I know that neither of us are big on asking for help. We offer to help others often, but rarely ask for help ourselves. Going through these times we will need to ask for help and if we don't we need people that will force their way into helping us. The support my husband and I have surrounding us in overwhelming. So many people love us and our children. I can feel everyone's prayers. It is giving us a peace. We still have tons of questions we are wrestling with, but we know there is a plan for our precious baby girl. I did some research today. I was looking at Braille. I was also gathering information on how to tell young children and in our case siblings about blindness. I found some great stuff. I think I will share my findings with you in a other post in the next few days. Please continue to pray. Pray that as we wrestle through some of the questions we have that we will find God's peace. Pray that our support system will continue to stay strong and caring. Pray that we can continue to be vulnerable with people closest to us. Danyelle