Tears, Prayers, and Hope

Today made our reality official. At 9:15am we went to the eye doctor. In the exam room i felt my body begi to fill with fear. My heart was in my stomach and mu hands were shaking. This was by far the hardest moment yet. Waiting. We got pulled from the waiting room rather promptly. We were in the exam room where the nurse began to do the initial testing of Kinsley's eyes. The nurse talked, charted, shined some lights, move some objects, and repeated. Hopeful to see some change in Kinsley's eye sight wage was just as disappointed as we were. As she got ready to leave she said the doctor will be with you shortly. we waited yet again. We waited for the official news that was going t change our life forever. Thirty long and painfully agonizing minuts lapsed. Finally we hear a knock,knock, knock. If my heart wasn't already in the lit of my stomach it was now. If my hands were not trembeling they were now. If I wasn't already trying to choke back tears I was now. The knock on the door meant there was no turning back. We were about to be faced with reality. In walks the doctor. She smiles. She shakes our hands and tells us how nice it is to see us. Then she asks the question we knew we would hear. "How are her glasses doing?" When we told her there has been no change you could see the worry come across her face. She knew what she was going to have to tell us. She then proceeded to test using all th same methods as the nurse. Kinsley once again failing all of them. The doctor kept watching. Watching in hopes that we may see one slight little hope that there is something there. Watching. Hoping. Then came the news. She startd by saying we would need to take Kinsley for an MRI. The MRI would show why she could not see. Not that it will fix anything, but we need to see where the damage is being done. Then she told us the news. Kinsley culd not see. She was blind. I held myself together. I could not let this doctor see that I was weak. I could not let her know she has just shattered my whole world. She took away hopes and dreams. I finished listening to her talk. Hopeful we would make it through this journey she said we didn't have to do it alone. She told is there are resources, support groups, and people available to help guide us through this uncharted waters. Again she remained hopeful. Hopeful that if Kelly and I surrounded ourselves with the right people we would survive. I'm not so sure. She liken this journey we are on to facing a fear. She said a person who hates public speaking tries to avoid it, but once they do it a few times it gets better. My the times they have done it a bit they actually enjoy it. She said on this journey we will hate the first few weeks or months. We will find them hard and want to try to avoid the truth, but after we have traveled this path a while it will become more tolerable. Tolerable enough to the point where we wil, enjoy the place this journey is taking us on. She shook our hands and left. Out in the parking lot I placed Kinsley in the van. I hugged my husband and cried. My world had been crushed. My world had been thrown of this picture perfect track. I needed his embrace. I needed to feel his warmth and comfort. He has been my rock of strength through this. He is my partner, my love, my support. He was holding me up when I wanted to just collapse to the ground. As Kelly went back to worm I headed back to my other children. They were at my brothers house. Once there I cried some more, not realizing how hard those words would be to hear. We knew it was a possibility. Why was I letting it get me so sad. I got some snuggles from my nephew. (seeing as my brothers kids loves Mario I will refer to his childre as Mario characters) My nephew Luigi snuggles. He is the sweetest boy. He loves Kinsley. And to say he loves Kinsley is an understatement. I got the pleasure of taking Luigi to school where he talked my ear off about the valentines party he was going to have. As I said good bye he played our special little game. He said "bye. I not love you Aunt Dany" and he giggled a sweet giggle. It brought tears and a smile to my face. As the day poured on more people were called, more people offered support and prayers. More tears were shed. More questions were asked and more dreams were grieved. It will take time to heal. I need to deal with reality. I need to grieve. I ended my day by going out for some drinks with my sister in law and a family friend. There they allowed me to share a piece of this pain I am carrying. There they were the best friends I could ask for. There I was able to talk about my pain or the weather. They let me be me. And the loved on my Kinsley! It was nice to they wanted to take the time to spend some time with me on o e of the hardest days of my life. It was nice of them to want to enter into the pain that I'm carrying. I feel as though they each took a piece of my pain with them. That makes my load a little lighter. I am thanking the Lord for these amazing women. They love God, the love Kinsley, and the love me. They touched my heart, sometims the pain of others lives is to much for us to want to enter into. They were not afraid. They entered. They entered with love and support. For that I am thankful. Support has been given today. Resources have been found for us so that in this time of grieving we dint have to do a ton of research. Prayers have been offered for us. Smiles have been given. Hugs have been given. Love has been given. By those things I will rest in peace tonight. Knowing my God loves me enough to carry me through this pain. P,ease continue to pray for my sweet baby girl, our family, and friends and we experience a journey like none we ever imagined we would face. Danyelle.