Laughing

Today was fun! Today was perfect. Today was full of laughter. A laughter that I haven't had in a really long time. I still laugh thinking about how hard I laughed.

We headed for Chicago this morning, my inlaws, husband, and I. We wanted to head to the American Girl doll store, Lego Store, and then just shop around. I never knew this trip would be as much fun as it was. Talking and laughing. Hanging out. Holding my husband's hand. Mmm, perfect day.

Every converstation that started as just a simple conversation turned into a mighty laugh fest. The lines from movies my husband and his parents know are more then I can count. All Adam Sandler movies to boot. They know every line of every Adam Sandler movie there is I think. It is funny how they can quote them in 15 seconds without thinking. They had me cracking up at every movie line. The driving of my father in law and his comments while he drove were priceless. He is a funny guy. Toll booths = great laughter, end of story.

My husband INSISTED we eat at Burger King over the road. Completely lost my father in law jumped in with "Oh Yeah lets go eat there even though its out of our way." So off we go. Turns out that its changed a lot since they have both been there. Its now a McDonald's, Subway, and a few other things. It was still fun. This restaurant goes over the interstate. It was fun to watch all the cars drive under us.

I got to see a coal mine on both sides of the road. I got to see the US Celluar Field where the White Sox play. I got to experience lots of traffic. I got to experience love, joy, patience, and kindness.

Everything that has happened with Kinsley is tough! I often finding myself crying more then laughing. Today it was like all the sadness, doubt, and anger has left. I laughed until I couldn't laughed any more. I enjoyed myself so much! I didn't realize how much this trip would bring up my spirits. I feel like I can conquer the world.

I got some sewing done for a very special someone. I didn't get my shoes made last night. Something came up. I feel like tomorrow I am ready to start taking over this house, my sewing, and much more. I will make sure I get pictures soon. 

Tears, Prayers, and Hope

Today made our reality official. At 9:15am we went to the eye doctor. In the exam room i felt my body begi to fill with fear. My heart was in my stomach and mu hands were shaking. This was by far the hardest moment yet. Waiting. We got pulled from the waiting room rather promptly. We were in the exam room where the nurse began to do the initial testing of Kinsley's eyes. The nurse talked, charted, shined some lights, move some objects, and repeated. Hopeful to see some change in Kinsley's eye sight wage was just as disappointed as we were. As she got ready to leave she said the doctor will be with you shortly. we waited yet again. We waited for the official news that was going t change our life forever. Thirty long and painfully agonizing minuts lapsed. Finally we hear a knock,knock, knock. If my heart wasn't already in the lit of my stomach it was now. If my hands were not trembeling they were now. If I wasn't already trying to choke back tears I was now. The knock on the door meant there was no turning back. We were about to be faced with reality. In walks the doctor. She smiles. She shakes our hands and tells us how nice it is to see us. Then she asks the question we knew we would hear. "How are her glasses doing?" When we told her there has been no change you could see the worry come across her face. She knew what she was going to have to tell us. She then proceeded to test using all th same methods as the nurse. Kinsley once again failing all of them. The doctor kept watching. Watching in hopes that we may see one slight little hope that there is something there. Watching. Hoping. Then came the news. She startd by saying we would need to take Kinsley for an MRI. The MRI would show why she could not see. Not that it will fix anything, but we need to see where the damage is being done. Then she told us the news. Kinsley culd not see. She was blind. I held myself together. I could not let this doctor see that I was weak. I could not let her know she has just shattered my whole world. She took away hopes and dreams. I finished listening to her talk. Hopeful we would make it through this journey she said we didn't have to do it alone. She told is there are resources, support groups, and people available to help guide us through this uncharted waters. Again she remained hopeful. Hopeful that if Kelly and I surrounded ourselves with the right people we would survive. I'm not so sure. She liken this journey we are on to facing a fear. She said a person who hates public speaking tries to avoid it, but once they do it a few times it gets better. My the times they have done it a bit they actually enjoy it. She said on this journey we will hate the first few weeks or months. We will find them hard and want to try to avoid the truth, but after we have traveled this path a while it will become more tolerable. Tolerable enough to the point where we wil, enjoy the place this journey is taking us on. She shook our hands and left. Out in the parking lot I placed Kinsley in the van. I hugged my husband and cried. My world had been crushed. My world had been thrown of this picture perfect track. I needed his embrace. I needed to feel his warmth and comfort. He has been my rock of strength through this. He is my partner, my love, my support. He was holding me up when I wanted to just collapse to the ground. As Kelly went back to worm I headed back to my other children. They were at my brothers house. Once there I cried some more, not realizing how hard those words would be to hear. We knew it was a possibility. Why was I letting it get me so sad. I got some snuggles from my nephew. (seeing as my brothers kids loves Mario I will refer to his childre as Mario characters) My nephew Luigi snuggles. He is the sweetest boy. He loves Kinsley. And to say he loves Kinsley is an understatement. I got the pleasure of taking Luigi to school where he talked my ear off about the valentines party he was going to have. As I said good bye he played our special little game. He said "bye. I not love you Aunt Dany" and he giggled a sweet giggle. It brought tears and a smile to my face. As the day poured on more people were called, more people offered support and prayers. More tears were shed. More questions were asked and more dreams were grieved. It will take time to heal. I need to deal with reality. I need to grieve. I ended my day by going out for some drinks with my sister in law and a family friend. There they allowed me to share a piece of this pain I am carrying. There they were the best friends I could ask for. There I was able to talk about my pain or the weather. They let me be me. And the loved on my Kinsley! It was nice to they wanted to take the time to spend some time with me on o e of the hardest days of my life. It was nice of them to want to enter into the pain that I'm carrying. I feel as though they each took a piece of my pain with them. That makes my load a little lighter. I am thanking the Lord for these amazing women. They love God, the love Kinsley, and the love me. They touched my heart, sometims the pain of others lives is to much for us to want to enter into. They were not afraid. They entered. They entered with love and support. For that I am thankful. Support has been given today. Resources have been found for us so that in this time of grieving we dint have to do a ton of research. Prayers have been offered for us. Smiles have been given. Hugs have been given. Love has been given. By those things I will rest in peace tonight. Knowing my God loves me enough to carry me through this pain. P,ease continue to pray for my sweet baby girl, our family, and friends and we experience a journey like none we ever imagined we would face. Danyelle.

Angels Over Me.

It was a cold yet beautiful day here today. The sun was shining brightly. Sunday's T our house always start off the same. I get up bright and early to get all four kids up and ready for church. Kelly gets ready and does his thing. Off we go. Today we didn't have our normal pastor preaching. We had a seminary student preach. I wasn't sure what to expect. I am a creature of routine and if that gets messed with I'm not a happy camper. In the after math of it all am I glad that I listened to this man preach. Our message today was about being in community with one another. About taking the time to care for and do life with others. Sounds good right? We are missing something though. More times then not we rush and rush and don't take the time to actually do these thing. This is how Kelly and I have been feeling. We feel like some days we are walking this road alone. Some says we are succluded from the real world because the real world doesn't know how to handle the pain and suffering we are experiencing. This pastor in training brought up something that I have struggled with all week. As a nation we often stop to say "how is it going" to someone without wanting or having the time to listen to the answer. We invite a person to open up and quickly shut them down by looking for the next person to talk to or not really listening. I feel this way lately. I get angry when people ask me how I'm doing because I know they dint really want the truth. The would be satisfied with a fine, or even great. The truth is not that. We are struggling down a path we never thought we would have to travel. If you want to ask me how I'm doing then lets talk about the truth. I can't hide behind a "fine" or "great" forever. And not only did I feel like this message was telling others about how I felt deep inside but it was also reminding me that if I don't have time to hear what's on someone's heart I need to not ask how it's going. A simple "It's nice to see you" will do just fine. This message touched my heart in more ways then one. I felt like the Lord was saying Danyelle I hear you. I know this is what your experiencing. It brought tears to my eyes. The Lord was doing a work in my heart today. I believe I heard this message today because tomorrow we go back to the eye doctor. Tomorrow will determine our fate. Tomorrow will be the decision on wether or not my sweet baby girl can see. Many tears have been shed today. It's truly an emotional process. But I feel oddly at peace thanks to this message. I know I have a community of supporters lifting us up in prayer. I will be heading to bed peacefully tonight. Knowing the Lord holds me in his arms. Knowing that no matter what the doctor says tomorrow Kinsley is mine. More importantly Kinsley belongs to the Lord and he is holding her tight. Tears will continue to be shed and that's okay. They are tears of comfort knowing I won't be alone. Please pray for us at 9:15am that is when we will be in the doctors office. Please pray for peace and comfort as we walk this road.

Rough Weekend (take 2)

I'm going to play catch up from the weekend. The iPad was in being fixed and therefore I had no way to update the blog. It was a rough weekend. A roller coaster ride of emotions. Kelly is working on a top secret project that we can't tell about yet because the details aren't final. We are excited about this top secret porject though. It will be great! Once the final details are in place I will make sure to spill the beans. Friday we took the iPad to be fixed (Kelly pushed it off the counter and the screen cracked). After dropping it off we went into the mall. It was overwhelming. All of the states and comments were unbelievable. There were some comments about her being cute and some smiles which were recieved with kindness. It was hard to hear the negative comments. Leaving the mall we had a few other arrends to run. Then we headed home. Saturday was about to be a busy day. The morning started with Kelly heading to family friends of ours to work on buisness paperwork. He owns his own buisness and needed to change some paperwork. After doing that he came home. We got all of the kids ready to go. We were heading to the camper and RV show in Grand Rapids. The kids were so excited. They can't wait for it to be summer. They were on the quest to find the perfect camper for our trips. We stopped for lunch before we headed out. I mentally prepared myself during the ride that we would receive comments and stares. I didn't prepare myself enough. They were out of control. Not more then five feet in the building and they started. Amount the comments were people thinking they were fake, not believing we could know she needed glasses this young, and more. People pointed and stared. It was hard. It was emotional. My poor baby will have to endure this her whole life. While as an older child and adult she might not get the comments and stares, until then it will be hard. By the end of our camper looking experience I was ready to go home. I was already super excited t be getting my iPad back. So we headed towards the repair shop. I walked in, told them I was there to get my iPad and proceeded to get out a check. Then my already emotional and exhausted day got worse. The man behind the counter informed me that they do not accept checks. What? No checks? How was I going to get my iPad back. He then told me they would be open again on Monday if I would like to come back with cash or a credit card. I was mad. I was sad. I cried on the way home. Not just because of the iPad, but because the whoe day had exhausted me. Once home I collapsed in my bed at 7pm. I was depressed. I have been depressed. I didn't move from my bed. Kelly got the kids bathed, fed, and in bed. I laid with Kinsley in bed. I didn't get out. I didn't want to move. I stayed in bed only waking to nurse the baby. Sunday started with me not getting out of bed til 9:45am. Kelly was held responsible for getting the kids up and ready. Once up I threw on some clothes and we went to church. Church is a safe place for us. We are surrounded by support and love. It is also a place that yesterday caused some emotions I wasnt expecting. I've come to hate the question "ow are you?" Right now that is such a loaded question and if you don't want the loaded answer then you should not be asking. I also felt the need to explain my faith. People shared the the Lord can heal Kinsley. I completely agree with that statement. I know with all my heart that the Lord can give my sweet baby girl her vision back. I also want to be prepared for him not healing her and the possibility of her being blind for her whole life. I do not think this makes me a bad person. Some say I just don't have enough faith. After church I was ready to come home and once again collapse. Collapse I did. Kinsley and I sat on the couch and snuggled, both falling asleep. Once we woke up we needed to head over to the inlaws for a super bowl party. Here is was confronted with yet more fusteration and emotion. Here I was faced with people once again saying look, she can see. It's hard when others do not want to accept what is becoming our truth. The party was done and we headed home. We put the children in bed and I got to work. The house needed much attention and I had been slacking. Monday morning brought some excitement. I was going to get my iPad back and going to see my nephews! This morning we headed to my bothers house. I dropped the kids off and was able to pick up a friend. This dear friend is vital in my life right. She is a support that I wouldn't know what to do without. She listens to my many emotions. She watches my kids. She is just all around an amazing friend. With all I am going through right now she is probably a better friend to me then I am to her. She doesn't seem to care a whole lot. She just continues to support me. On our drive to pick up the iPad I was able to share with her our experience at the camper show, tell her how I feel about the question "how are you?" and much more. The whole time she just listened. She offered words of encouragement and offered continued prayers. Back at my brothers I was able to enjoy some time with my nephews. They are so stinkin cute. Then it was off to Chuck E. Cheese for some pizza and fun! The kids enjoyed it and it was a nice break for myself. I also talked to the eye doctor on Monday. They said we should have seen some sort of improvement within the first week. Since we are not seeing any they would like us to come in for a recheck. We will do that a week from today. We will then schedule an MRI. Please continue to be in prayer for our family during this time of uncertainty. Please pray for healing in Kinsley if it is the Lord's will. Your support and prayers are being felt. Please continue. Danyelle

Comments From the Peanut Gallery

So I have every intention of making a post about our first full day in glasses, but the day just got away from me. Saturday morning was fabulous. Kelly was up before me getting ready for robotics. I was still laying in bed when I heard laughter coming down the hall. Sure enough, my wake up call was coming. Looking at the clock I was wishing my little wake up calls would go back to bed. It was Saturday after all and 7:30am just seemed to early for a Saturday. They seemed to disagree. The girls were full of energy. They were chasing each other in circles and laughing loudly. What an awesome way to start the morning. Before I got Kinsley up for the day I fed the bigger kids. Then it was Kinsleys turn. There was an extra step to our morning routine. As I laid her on the changing table to get her ready so etching had to change. We had to add the step I didn't want to. The time had come. I got out her clothes and diaper. I got her dressed, talking to her about every thing I was doing. Then it happened. I took her glasses out of the case. I slowly, carefully, gently put them on her face. Once again hoping to se instan change, I was disappointed. Kelly left for the day, but in his place my mom came. She came to watch the kids so I could work. I sew for a living. A way to make an extra income yet stay at homs with my children. My nine store opens the middle of February and I need to have stuff ready to stock. I sewed into the early afternoon. When I finished I talked to my mom about gong to get Kinsley's eats pierced with me. She thought it was a great idea! So when Kelly got how we left. This was going to be my first time taking Kinsley out with her glasses on. I was nervous. I feared the comments and stares. My momma bear instinct wanted to tear apart anyone who said something. As I was driving, noticing he emotions, I prayed "Lord, I know what I feel like saying to someone if the comment or stare, but please speak for me so my words are kinder." The time came. I pulled into the parking lt at the mall. I needed to walk my sweet girl in to ge her ears pierced. They weren't going to come out to me. So I did. I ventured into the mall. No me noticed her glasses until we reached the counter of the ear pierce place. The first comment made was by the woman who would pierce Kisleys ears. "Aww, she has glasses." I didn't know how to responde. Was this a question or a statement! What kind of response did it require. The Bly thing I could muster was a yes. That out of the way my mom and I started looking at earrings. We decided on go,d heart shaped earrings with a pink center. They are cute! Funny thing about this experience was that I got stares from people who couldn't believe I wa piercing my baby's ears and they didn't bug me. It something I wanted her to have done. All my girls had them done at this age. It didn't bug me they stared in disapproval. It did, however, bug me when they stared at her glasses. My thinking behind this is that the earrings are something I could control. I could do it at this age or wait. The glasses I can't control. The possibility of her not being able to see is out of my hands. I can not protect her from years of teasing or hurt because of glasses. I can take out the earrings if I chose. That fact that her vision is out of my hands kills me. I would do anything to trade vision with her. I can not. This road of poor vision we the be God chose for her. My day of having a hard time dealing with stares and comments would continue. I survived the mall. I needed to now go to Walmart, I needed to pick up a few things. This aw hard. Every stare was deeper, every comment loud. Questions on why she had glasses and how we knew she needed them were being asked. The aww poor baby has glasses comments were painful. I answered questions the best I could. It was the Lord speaking for me though because all I wanted to shout was leave my baby alone! Stop asking questions! Every time some asks a question or makes a comment I tell myself they may not work. It stinks to be reminded of that. I need to grow tougher skin. I need to let go. I need to know its nr meant to hurt me on purpose, but it does. The rest of he day was pretty uneventful. We relaxed at home and enjoyed family time. Our first full day in glasses was survived. The next morning we would see how church went. Today we woke up to snow. Not just a little snow either. I would say a good three or more inches. Today aw a church day as my kids say. Kelly was on sick kd duty, so it wa only me, Kinsley, Myla, and Parker going to church. Ondrea was feeling better, but I wanted he to rest one more day so she could go to school tomorrow. As I got everyone ready I aw confident about walking nt church. A church I am surrounded by love and support. Surrounded by prayer. It is a safe place. No need to worry about comments or stares. When we first walked in the group that meets before service was getting ready to pray. We joined in. We were able to pray for Kinsley's eyes. I wish I would have known I needed prayer to. Disappointed already that we didn't see instant working power from the glasses on Friday every one seemed to comment on how they thought they were working. This was hard! Being her mother and being around her all the time, I haven't noticed much, if any, change in her vision. I needed a breather. I was hungry and thirsty. I went to the gas station to get a pop and donut. On my way I placed my debit card and phone on my lap. Pulling out of the driveway of the church parking lot I decided I couldnt see out ofe of my windows to well. Forgetting that my phone and card were on my lap I got out of the van. Sure enough the card and phone would not be phone. They were lost in the almost six inches of snow we had received. Many people came out to help me look with no luck. After getting some cash, I was still able to get my donut and pop. Returning to church left more people commenting about how they thought her glasses were working. I know these comments were meant to be encouraging and not hurtful. I know they were said out of love and concern. I know, but they still hurt. I feel like the comments plant a false hope in my heart. I feel like if ingest my hopes up to high they will be crushed in four weeks when the doctor says she can not see. I was speechless. I really didn't know what to tell all these people about their comments. Do I thank them? Do I tell them how I feel? I chose to smile and nod. After church we went to have lunch at the house of a couple that goes to our church. It was an amazing lunch. Simple and delicious. My children loved it there. This couple is amazing to. They are so sweet. Such listening ears they have. It was nice to be ourselves. They didn't require we explain about her eyes, they just showed is love and kindness. I felt like I was safe to think about other things other then Kinsley's sight or lack there of. It was an afternoon breather that was much needed. I thanked the Lord for such an amazing afternoon. Once home, it was another u eventual afternoon and evening. I took a late and somewhat long nap. I got the older kinds in bed, rocked Kinsley, and watched a movie with my husband. We made it through two full days of glasses. We are all adjusting. Kinsley doesn't seem to mind them. Mommy is getting used to the idea and Myla just keeps saying "baby glasses, baby glasses" it is quite cute. I pray the Lord do his will with Kinsley's sight. I know that I am praying the Lord heal her fully so that she doesn't even need the glasses. I pray that even of she does need the glasses her vision will be winderful. I know full well that this may not be God's plan for our baby. He may chose her to have no sight at all. If this is his will I pray that he gives Kelly and I peace and understanding. I pray he gives us the support we need to make it through this journey. Will you please continue to pray for Kinsley. Pray the Lords will be done, but also pray for him to do a winderful m miricale in Kinsleys eyes and restore them to full strength. I can feel your prayers for our family. It means a lot to us to have your prayers and support. Thank you for joining us on this journey. Danyelle

The big day

Friday's are normally my day to sleep in, but today was the big day! Kinsley was scheduled to get her glasses at 9:30am. My van was still in the shop being fixed so I had a wonderful lady from our church pick the kids and I up. Have I mentioned how wonderful the support we have is? Just before this lady came to get me I got a call from the eye doctor. Kinsley's glasses were not in yet. They were due to arrive today, but they wouldn't have them ready before our scheduled time. As much as I didn't want this day to happened I was disappointed. I wanted to get the initial shock and pain of seeing my baby girl in glasses over. I wanted to be able to move on with our new accessory. I never in a million years thought glasses would bring on so many emotions. Once we we got to town I dropped the kids off with my mom and went out with this lady to McDonalds. It was a time for fellowship. A time to be able to talk to another adult. Boy do I forget I need these times. Being a stay at home mom I sometimes get so wrapped up in my kids I forget that I need some mommy time. It was so amazing how much better a felt after an hour if talking. The focus wasn't on Kinsley either. I was asked about my other children and this was huge! Dealing with Kinsleys vision issues I have been caught up. I have been so focused on doing research and looking for the best ways to help her I sometimes forget that there are 3 other kids that need their time to shine. From the bottom of my heart I am so grateful for the time to talk. It helped take my mind off the event of the day. On my way home from this get together the eye doctor called. Kinsley's glasses did come in the shipment they received this morning and wanted me to bring her in at 1:45pm. This was really happening. She was going to get her glasses. I spent some time at my brothers loving on my nephews and talking to my mom. Then it was time to get ready to leave. I got nervous. My knees were shaking, my stomach churning. Why was I feeling this way! I was getting fusterared with myself. They are just glasses for goodness sake! Thats the thing though. To me they aren't just glasses. They are my daughters future. They are the tool that tells us if she can see of if she can't. They are a blessing or a curse. To me they are my hope. They are the answer to my prayer if they work. The are also the pathway to even more questions and sorrow. Once at the eye doctor I cried. It was all becoming so real so fast. They called Kinsley's name. Here goes nothing I thought to myself. Here I stood in front of the counter. Kinsley still in her carseat the nice lady took her glasses out of the case. There they were. Time to face my fears. Those tiny purple glasses were almost to my hands. I didn't want to touch them, but knew I had to. The lady made sure the lenses were clean and then handed them to me, "here" she said, "put them on here so that we know they fit." They were in my hands! Ah, get them out I wanted to scream. This isn't real. My baby doesn't really need them! Sure enough, they were there. I slowly put them on her tiny head. She didn't like them. They were fitting funny because she was still in her carseat. I took her out of the carseat and got them on her face the way they were supposed to. She looked so cute. The purple was the perfect color for her complexion. Her daddy (and yes I said daddy) did a wonderful job picking out the color. I cried a little more Everyone was waiting to see her. My mom, Kinsley's favorite cousin, and her siblings were all waiting at my brothers to see her. People wanted me to send them pictures. It was great to have support. I needed the support. To know I have people surrounding our family in love to get us through these times. Tonight has been rough time. Although I knew I was only kidding myself I was hoping to see instant improvement. I wants the results of the glasses to happen the second I out them in her face. I think as humans we want everything done as soon as possible. I cried. I really wanted to see results tonight. I really wanted to see that the glasses were the tool she needed to see me today. Now I am praying they just work. I am praying that the Lord will make the glasses help her vision in his time. I am reminding myself that God does all things in his time. He is teaching me lessons through this journey. I will continue to cling to my faith in him. Tonight I am going to bed in peace. Peace in the fact that God is carrying my family through the uncertainty that the glasses will work. Uncertainty on wether or not she can see. Please continue to pray for our family. Pray for peace. Pray also for understanding. Understanding for why this is all happening to us. Pray Kinsley adjusts to the glasses. Please also pray that if we get any stares or rude comments that will handle them in a Christ like manner. Dany