I must say that I love my life. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, but I am a mom, wife, friend, daughter, and so much more. I think we are women always tend to carry guilt in some for or another. Some of us may carry more then others. Some of us may indulge in our guilt's and some of us choose to rise above them. Some of us carry guilt for a lifetime. Some of us change the level of guilt we feel each day. We feel guilty if we give our kids to much candy. If we don't buy them the right clothes. We feel guilty if we can't be there for our parents. We feel guilty if we do something to disappoint our parents even as adults. We feel guilty if we can't be there to help a friend when they need us. We feel guilty if we fight with a friend. We feel guilty if our husbands needs are met. We feel guilty if the house isn't tidy, if laundry isn't done. We as women just tend to feel guilty.
Guilt is such an ugly thing. It hurts, It is heavy. Guilt takes different processes to get through. Some guilt is easy. Sometimes you can just talk to a friend and grab a different prospective. Sometimes it takes a day and it's done. Some guilt takes a longer process. Sometimes you can give into guilt and sometimes you just need to work through it. I struggle with different forms every day. This mornings guilt was different.
Sunday mornings I drop the big kids off at Sunday school and and then Kelly, Monkey Girl, Butterfly Girl and I head to Meijer to walk around and burn off some time before we need to be back at church. Usually we meet at Meijer because we take two cars. Monkey Girl and Him stay home a while longer because they do not to be at church right away. This week was different and I am pretty sure it is what trigger this guilty feeling. We met at church this morning. We all piled into one car and headed to the gas station. As I was stepping out of the truck my thought was this "This is how life would be if I would have waited for Kelly and we had gotten married. We would only have two kids. We wouldn't have a blended family. Maybe we wouldn't be finically strapped. Maybe I would be able to split my time between them all better." It was a horrible feeling. I LOVE all my children. I love each one of them and would never give any one of them up. They each have a special place in my heart. They are each special. Kelly treats each of them like they are his own. We are a family. We are a complete unit. My heart immediately sank into the pit of my stomach. I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I had just hurt my own feelings.
I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world! It is perfect. It is exactly how God had planned it. So why, Why then would I feel guilty. Why if my life is the way I had always pictured am I feeling so incredibly guilty. My answer is only that I am HUMAN. Not only am I human, but we also live in a sinful world. Its part of our nature to feel some extent of guilt. So what do I do? How do I get past?
I had to acknowledge that I was feeling guilty. I cried. I felt bad. I prayed. I prayed a lot! I read my bible. I tried to figure out what God was telling me. I just sat quietly and listened. I feel as though it's not bad to look at life as it might have been if I had made different choices. I don't even think that there has to be guilty thoughts connected to thinking about the what ifs of life. They happen sometimes though. It happened to me today. I am human. I wonder about what ifs. I think about life. I feel guilt sometimes. It's hard to be real, to blog about real feelings. You never know how some one might take it. I want to be real. I want to share so someone may say "yeah I know how that feels". I know the Lord has a plan for my life. He has a plan for me being able to be real. He has a plan for the words I type.
No comments:
Post a Comment