Ahh Guilt, How do I Make You Disappear

I must say that I love my life. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world, but I am a mom, wife, friend, daughter, and so much more. I think we are women always tend to carry guilt in some for or another. Some of us may carry more then others. Some of us may indulge in our guilt's and some of us choose to rise above them. Some of us carry guilt for a lifetime. Some of us change the level of guilt we feel each day. We feel guilty if we give our kids to much candy. If we don't buy them the right clothes. We feel guilty if we can't be there for our parents. We feel guilty if we do something to disappoint our parents even as adults. We feel guilty if we can't be there to help a friend when they need us. We feel guilty if we fight with a friend. We feel guilty if our husbands needs are met. We feel guilty if the house isn't tidy, if laundry isn't done. We as women just tend to feel guilty.

Guilt is such an ugly thing. It hurts, It is heavy. Guilt takes different processes to get through. Some guilt is easy. Sometimes you can just talk to a friend and grab a different prospective. Sometimes it takes a day and it's done. Some guilt takes a longer process. Sometimes you can give into guilt and sometimes you just need to work through it. I struggle with different forms every day. This mornings guilt was different.

Sunday mornings I drop the big kids off at Sunday school and and then Kelly, Monkey Girl, Butterfly Girl and I head to Meijer to walk around and burn off some time before we need to be back at church. Usually we meet at Meijer because we take two cars. Monkey Girl and Him stay home a while longer because they do not to be at church right away. This week was different and I am pretty sure it is what trigger this guilty feeling. We met at church this morning. We all piled into one car and headed to the gas station. As I was stepping out of the truck my thought was this "This is how life would be if I would have waited for Kelly and we had gotten married. We would only have two kids. We wouldn't have a blended family. Maybe we wouldn't be finically strapped. Maybe I would be able to split my time between them all better." It was a horrible feeling. I LOVE all my children. I love each one of them and would never give any one of them up. They each have a special place in my heart. They are each special. Kelly treats each of them like they are his own. We are a family. We are a complete unit. My heart immediately sank into the pit of my stomach. I was feeling ashamed and guilty. I had just hurt my own feelings.

I wouldn't change my life for anything in the world! It is perfect. It is exactly how God had planned it. So why, Why then would I feel guilty. Why if my life is the way I had always pictured am I feeling so incredibly guilty. My answer is only that I am HUMAN. Not only am I human, but we also live in a sinful world. Its part of our nature to feel some extent of guilt. So what do I do? How do I get past?

I had to acknowledge that I was feeling guilty. I cried. I felt bad. I prayed. I prayed a lot! I read my bible. I tried to figure out what God was telling me. I just sat quietly and listened. I feel as though it's not bad to look at life as it might have been if I had made different choices. I don't even think that there has to be guilty thoughts connected to thinking about the what ifs of life. They happen sometimes though. It happened to me today. I am human. I wonder about what ifs. I think about life. I feel guilt sometimes. It's hard to be real, to blog about real feelings. You never know how some one might take it. I want to be real. I want to share so someone may say "yeah I know how that feels". I know the Lord has a plan for my life. He has a plan for me being able to be real. He has a plan for the words I type.

To Do Lists

My to do lists are super long the past few days. For me this is a coping technigue. If I have a list as long as the Mississippi River I will never have time to think about Butterfly Girl's up coming appointment. I have always been a bit OCD and have never gone a day without a list, but some days are better for me the others. For the most part I stick to my Daily 15 list. Yes, I have things that I do every day and then fill in whatever else is left with other things until I hit 15 things to do for the day. It keeps my house running smooth, laundry alwasy done, dishes out of the sink, and the house always partial clean. I only say partially clean because I am the mother of four small children in which the house will never be perfectly spotless. Today is different, the list is never ending. I wish I could just enjoy the days leading up to this appointment, but it brings so much anxiety. Instead I fill the day with lots of things to do. Don't for a minute think that I am wasting my time doing all these things and not spending time with my kids. Not true. I just have planned fun things to do with them instead of just enjoying where the moments take us. My kids like the planned activities and it helps me keep the time busy. Oh and not to mention the house is super clean. To do lists are amazing. Lists in general are lives tool for keeping things together. For me at least. If you think I am one crazy momma you may just be right! haha... That is quite alright with me. I take pride in my crazy!

Emotional

Life has been emotional at the very least of things. I have been going through a lot of internal struggles, but I have also been going through some struggles that are not so internal. It has been hard for me to compose my thoughts into a cohesive blog post. Heck it has been hard for me to compose my thoughts straight enough to get my point across to any one. It sucks. My family has been dealing with them the best we can. My husband and I have had many late night talks trying to decide what is the best for our family. We have been praying that the Lord set us on the right path. We have been asking if there are things we need to change. It is hard. Its never any fun going through these times of discovery. Yes, discovery. I say that because I do feel like we are trying to rediscover who we are as a family unit, who we want to become, and what we want to accomplish in this life.

My biggest internal struggle has been Butterfly Girl. I still hurt deeply. Now that she is crawling it is even more evident that she doesn't see what she is crawling into. This has lead to her getting some bumps and bruises. This has led to her sometimes being afraid of us setting her down. I still sometimes get the feeling like I did something wrong. Like I am to blame. Although I know this is not true the devil tries hard to use it against me. I also hurt for what I feel like she is missing out on. I hurt that she is behind other babies her age. My Butterfly Girl is PERFECT, but my mommy heart hurts. I wouldn't trade her smile for anything in the world. Her bright blue eyes draw me in every time. I just wish when I looked into those eyes I felt like she was looking back, like she was recognizing me. This road is hard! I have my moments where I am okay and then in an instant its gone.

I have been struggling with sending our oldest children to school this fall. I think we finally have that issue solved and they will be home schooled once again. It was a tough call. It was prayed about, talked about, prayed about some more. Up until this past weekend they were going to our local school this fall. The reason for them attending public school this fall was because Butterfly Girl needs so much therapy that I wasn't sure that I could devote the time needed to schooling them as they needed. After a lot of prayer my husband and I decided that we can do ANYTHING if it is God's will and by his strength and glory our children will get what they need right here at home. It is all about balance, something I am learning day by day.

Weighing heavy on my heart are decisions I am to emotional to make. Ones of friendship, loss, and brokenness. If I follow my heart my head gets angry. If I follow my head my heart gets angry. My husband and I need to continue to pray that these things are resolved, that we get through, that we make the best choices for our family. We can do all things through Christ who strengths us.

Emotions are sometimes like a bee sting, hurting us for a moment. Emotions are sometimes like chocolate sweetening this life we live. Emotions the Rocky Mountains or the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. They can be the rolling plains or the flat valleys. Two things I am very happy about when it comes to emotions is that no matter if I am experiencing those Rocky Mountain Highs or those Atlantic Ocean lows I have my Jesus who will never leave me and I have my best friend, the love of my life, father of my children, and whole world right next to me!