Going back

This morning I spent some time going back to what started this blog in the first place. I went back those days and weeks where we were not quite sure what was wrong with our baby, buy we knew something was wasn't right. I produced tears of heartache reading through all the emotion that was felt in those days. I also cried tears of joy.

CVI has changed our lives. It will forever be a part of us. It will affect our daughter. It will always have two sides. It will have it's blessings and it's curses. It will never go away.

We are reminded every day. Some days worse then others, that her vision isn't perfect. Her vision even when present is poor. Last night, while at a skating party for church, I let Butterfly Girl down to walk.  Her spirit is strong. She doesn't want to let her vision hold her back. She is a normal toddler wanting to explore. She doesn't know her that she can't do things like other kids. By her side I followed her every where she wanted to go. Stopping her as she walked into people she couldn't see, Stopping her from running into walls that she didn't know where there. Then all of a sudden, a light went on in her head and she could see. She dashed straight for the rink floor with so much as bumping into anything. She wanted out there. She wanted to skate like daddy and her siblings. This balance of letting her be a toddler and trying to protect her are tough. We don't want to hold her back from learning about this amazing world, but we also do not want her hurt.

CVI has changed us, but we will not let it bring us down. We will stand firm in the promises God has made for us! We will stand firm in knowing that God has control. He sent us down this path because he knows we can do it.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." Proverbs 3:5-6

This is a verse that I have leaned on a lot in the past year. I do not need to understand why this happened. I just need to trust in the Lord with everything I have. I need to seek him. I need to just keep asking him what next step it to take. I need to keep pouring my heart to him and he will see me through. What an encouragement I have in the Lord. CVI may have changed our life, but it certainly wont change who we are.

Be blessed

Dany

Emotional

Life has been emotional at the very least of things. I have been going through a lot of internal struggles, but I have also been going through some struggles that are not so internal. It has been hard for me to compose my thoughts into a cohesive blog post. Heck it has been hard for me to compose my thoughts straight enough to get my point across to any one. It sucks. My family has been dealing with them the best we can. My husband and I have had many late night talks trying to decide what is the best for our family. We have been praying that the Lord set us on the right path. We have been asking if there are things we need to change. It is hard. Its never any fun going through these times of discovery. Yes, discovery. I say that because I do feel like we are trying to rediscover who we are as a family unit, who we want to become, and what we want to accomplish in this life.

My biggest internal struggle has been Butterfly Girl. I still hurt deeply. Now that she is crawling it is even more evident that she doesn't see what she is crawling into. This has lead to her getting some bumps and bruises. This has led to her sometimes being afraid of us setting her down. I still sometimes get the feeling like I did something wrong. Like I am to blame. Although I know this is not true the devil tries hard to use it against me. I also hurt for what I feel like she is missing out on. I hurt that she is behind other babies her age. My Butterfly Girl is PERFECT, but my mommy heart hurts. I wouldn't trade her smile for anything in the world. Her bright blue eyes draw me in every time. I just wish when I looked into those eyes I felt like she was looking back, like she was recognizing me. This road is hard! I have my moments where I am okay and then in an instant its gone.

I have been struggling with sending our oldest children to school this fall. I think we finally have that issue solved and they will be home schooled once again. It was a tough call. It was prayed about, talked about, prayed about some more. Up until this past weekend they were going to our local school this fall. The reason for them attending public school this fall was because Butterfly Girl needs so much therapy that I wasn't sure that I could devote the time needed to schooling them as they needed. After a lot of prayer my husband and I decided that we can do ANYTHING if it is God's will and by his strength and glory our children will get what they need right here at home. It is all about balance, something I am learning day by day.

Weighing heavy on my heart are decisions I am to emotional to make. Ones of friendship, loss, and brokenness. If I follow my heart my head gets angry. If I follow my head my heart gets angry. My husband and I need to continue to pray that these things are resolved, that we get through, that we make the best choices for our family. We can do all things through Christ who strengths us.

Emotions are sometimes like a bee sting, hurting us for a moment. Emotions are sometimes like chocolate sweetening this life we live. Emotions the Rocky Mountains or the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. They can be the rolling plains or the flat valleys. Two things I am very happy about when it comes to emotions is that no matter if I am experiencing those Rocky Mountain Highs or those Atlantic Ocean lows I have my Jesus who will never leave me and I have my best friend, the love of my life, father of my children, and whole world right next to me!