Life's Journey

Life's Journey is this crazy, unpredictable, sometimes amazing, sometimes crappy road that once you think you have it figured out it takes another unexpected turn. When I started this blog in the wake a very difficult time in life I dreamed of keeping it going. About growing it to something more then keeping those people that we do not get to speak to on a daily basis informed about our sweet Butterfly Girl and how she is doing. I wanted my readers to share a piece of my life with me. I wanted others to feel like they could connect and relate. I wanted other mom's, wife's, daughter's, sister's, and friend's to know that they are not alone in this road so many of us call life. We may not be struggling with exactly the same things or going through the same events, but at the end of the day we can someone relate to each other.

I lost blogging for a while. I took it out of my overly packed schedule and I came to a point the other day that brought me right back to blogging. I realized I blog most importantly for myself. So that years from now I can look back and see my family through a less hectic, busy eye. There are some days that I just strive to make it through an hour of this crazy life we live. So my goal is that if I document what we live I can come back and enjoy those moments a bit more. Or I may be able to come back and heal from the pain I still have from things. I know even today I have read the posts made about my sweet baby girl's vision and it is still very hard, but it is part of the healing process. Blogging is a way for me to feel like I invested in myself and invested in someone else. Maybe one day, someone will stumble across and say, "wow I thought I was alone, but this blogger felt the same way". Maybe that has happened and I don't know. My hope is that someday the blog will be more then just a place I lay my heart, but a source of hope, encouragement, and understanding to someone else.

I blog because I love writing. Ever since I was a young child writing was always my favorite thing to do. In high school I took as many writing classes as I could. Always dreaming of becoming an author was fun, but it always took second place to becoming a wife and a mother. Blogging is kind of like being an author in a way. I get to publish what I want people to read. I get to share my work with others and that is a satisfying thing. I love what I am doing and I am so glad to becoming back!

I blog because I want to keep all of you up to date on the latest findings on Butterfly Girl's diagnosis. Although I have been lacking in that department it will be a commitment of mine to try to keep up. The latest news with our sweet girl is that she sees twenty percent of her day. Her CVI is something that she will live and will learn to adjust to. What got us down most recently was our last trip to the eye doctor. While Butterfly Girl can see twenty percent of the day the vision she does have is very poor. She has a pretty strong prescription in her lens. While this might not concern the average person it concerns us. The reason this is cause for concern is because the vision she does have will slowly get worse, making the prescription in her lens stronger and stronger. This will eventually get to the point were her vision can no longer be corrected. Our baby girl will then officially be blind forever. This breaks our hearts. This makes us so incredibly said. This makes us hurt so deeply. We do have a God who is in the business of working miracles and we know they can happen! We believe that if it is HIS will he will heal our sweet girl. She turned 1 and despite the rocky first year we had an amazing celebration with family and friends.

I love blogging. I am glad to be back. I hope all of you will continue to read. I hope you will all share if you find something that may be an encouragement or source of hope to someone else.

I leave you with the verse my children are memorizing for church. Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

How amazing is that! If we live life in accordance to God's calling he will work everything together for good for us, his people. That doesn't mean that God isn't going to let us go through hard times such as Butterfly Girl's diagnosis. That doesn't mean that bad things are not going to happen to us because they will, but when the time is right, when HIS time is right, ALL things will work together for the good of HIS people. I am so excited to know the truth of the Lord.

Birthdays!

So I thought this posted yesterday, but I guess not.

6 years ago today I thought I was going to be having a birthday dinner with my family. Little did I know that my oldest bundle of joy was going to arrive.

I had been having some complications in my pregnancy. The Monday before I went in for a non stress test to see how my baby girl was doing. Although she was passing the non stress test it took a lot of effort to get her to pass. The doctor was concerned. He asked me what I was doing on Wednesday and I said I was going out for dinner with my family to celebrate my birthday. He preceded to tell me I was wrong and that I was going to have a baby. My baby was going to be exactly four weeks earlier then planned. It was okay though, the doctor said babies who come four weeks early usually come out fine. I was do for a c section as little miss thought she would be breech.

So six years ago today I went into the hospital. I waited with many friends and family to have our baby girl. I was told that once I had her, her dad and the doctor would go up to the nursery with her and get her cleaned off and wrapped in a blanket. Then she would go to my room and that is where she, her dad, and the rest of my family would be waiting for me. I was hoping later that day we could celebrate with cake and ice cream. We were going to have tons to celebrate.

I went in for the csection. It was quick and easy. I got to hear a strong healthy cry form my little girl. She was little too. Five pounds and eleven ounces. Everyone waits to hear that first scream to know there baby is fine. I heard it and my heart felt better. She was happy and healthy. We got some pictures taken and then they headed her up three floors to the nursery. They finished sewing me up. I then headed into my worst nightmare. As we went past the nursery window all I saw was a doctor and a bunch of nurses surrounding a little tiny baby. My family was peering in the window. That was funny I thought, why would they be looking at this sick baby when they could hold and google over mine. Not one of them looked me in the eye as we past. When I got to my room it was empty. NO ONE was to be found. Not my baby, nor my family. I started to get worried. My mom came in and told me they would bring me the baby in a minute. More people just came in and smiled. Every moment that passed I got more and more worried.

Finally the doctor. Wait, the doctor, but no baby. This was not going to be good news. My sweet bundle of joy that had given that loud healthy cry right after birth was in distress. She was under an oxygen hood, but it was not doing much. They needed to start some intravenouses supply lines in her belly button. They then need to put her on a CPAP. I couldn't get out of bed right away because my legs were still numb from the pain meds. Finally they did lift me into a wheel chair, wheeled me down, and allowed me to look and touch her. I was sad though because I was not able to hold her. She needed to stay under the oxygen hood until someone gets to us with more experience. They then transported her tiny little body over to Helen DeVos Children's Hospital.

That was that. No birthday cake. No holding my baby. Nothing. I was so sad. I am thankful today however that I can say she is thriving and doing well. I can not believe that she is six today! She is a strong girl. She loves the Lord with all her heart. She believes every dream is achievable as long as you put in the right work.

Bunny Girl.... Mommy loves you to the moon and back. I hope you had the very best birthday!

Big Dreams!

Big things are happening here at the Rus household.

 First of all my oldest baby is turning 6! Only a few more days and we can celebrate that day my sweet girl was born. Her birth was rough, her start to life jeopardized by health complications. I feel as though we are celebrating a whole new stage of life. She is learning to read, she is so artistic, and has a heart for the Lord.

Some big changes work wise are happening around here as well. We will be getting slightly busier, but for good reason. We are so excited to share with you what will be happening around here. We are picking up more work. One of these days my husband will quit his day job. Until then we will be leading a very busy life. This next venture in life will be a family affair. We will be teaching our children a lot through this next venture and also learning a lot from others also.

We are praying that Proper Disposal will pick up even more. Creations by Mommy has been doing wonderful at craft shows. Hopefully those will pick up as well.

I feel like this week is a quite before the storm. Not a bad storm, just a busy as busy can be type storm. We will use this busyness for good. We will be hitting the ground running.

I should be doing dishes, laundry, and other things. I sit here instead dreaming of big things to come.

Please continue to pray for our family. Please pray that we will be a blessing to others. Please pray that we continue to make the right choices for our family.



Pondering

Happily married, 4 perfectly healthy, well-behaved children, stay at home mother. Big beautiful house. Husband with decent money. Going on vacations. Sending my kids to a private school to get their educations. Having a nice car, pool in the backyard, and buying my children all their wants. This is how I envisioned my life when I was 15.

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As I was siting with my husband tonight I pondered the past and the future. So many events in my life I have tried so hard to be in control of and have ended up far from that. I am very OCD. I like to have every minute of every day planned out. I like to have everything in its place. I like to have a list for everything. In the end I like to be in control, but it isn't as simple as just wanting to be in control. We can all want to be in control, but at some point we have to face the music that someone else will have control.

If we are an employee, the boss has a control. If we are a young child, the parent has control. The government has control of speed limits and much more. A principle has control of it's students. A dog owner has control over his or her dog. Eventually we fall into a category that we need to summit to someone higher up.

Much of my latter years of high school were spent trying to take back the control I felt I lost as a child when my parents divorced. I did many things that were against who everyone knew me as. They went against my character. I ended up married at 18, to someone I should have thought twice about before marrying. I could marry him despite my families disapproval because I could. I "loved" him despite the abuse I under went. I ended up pregnant shortly there after with my first born. I was going to control my relationship. I was going to "fix" my ex husband. I could do all those things. After the abuse got out of control, I left. I then continued to try to control my own life dating whomever I felt was okay. Trying to control who I saw and what I did. I ended up pregnant again. This was not how I was picturing my life. I did not picture being a single mother of two children 18 months apart at the age of 20. I needed to try to stop controlling my life. Instead I just tried to do it more.

Do not get me wrong. I still try to control the things I can such as my list making and scheduling out days, but I have learned through this journey with Kinsley I am not in control.

This life I am in is not how I had envisioned from the start. I have an amazing husband, we are happily married, but marriage is hard work. It takes a give and take relationship. It takes compromise. (something I am not good at) He is my best friend. He is my greatest cheerleader. He is the love of my life and I am truly blessed we have been brought together to spend our lives together.

I have 4 children. While they are all healthy in a sense I never in a million years would have dreamed I would have to deal with a child with disabilities. Although I have a strong heart for those with disabilities I never though I would have to parent a child that had limits in their ability to do life like a normal child. I was then blessed with my oldest who had some Austims tendencies, SPD, along with large motor and speech delays. I did my time. I could now have the rest of my children be healthy and without disability. I had my son and the our second daughter. Awesome healthy children. Growing up to be wonderful people. Then our world was rocked. We were given a child with more complicated disabilities. We were given Butterfly Girl. No vision. Healthy? Yes she is healthy, but it was not what we were expecting.

Right then we learned we were not in control of this life. Our Father up above was in control. He gave us a sweet baby girl with no vision. He knew we could handle it. I will admit there was a stage I went through that I tried to control everything. I tried to get her into the best doctors, the best places. I tried to get her therapy as fast as I could. Truth is, none of my urging made anyhing move any faster. God was in control and he had a list of the way things were going to happen. He had his schedule written out. It is amazing how fast you can realize you are not in control of your own life.

By giving over control to the One who has it in the first place has been very rewarding. Although some days I still wonder why we are on the road of life we are on I just trust. With following His lead in this life has been leading to so many rewarding opportunities for us. I wish I could spill all the beans! I wish I could tell you so much more.

As I sit here a few days before I turn 25, although my life is not how I had envisioned it 10 years ago it is amazing. God is blessing us ten fold. When you listen to your Master you are rewarded greatly. I am so glad he gave us our 4 children. I am so glad that he gave us a supportive group of family and friends. I am so glad that I am finally giving him all control. He does a much better job figuring out my life they I do.

Whirlwind Week

I laughed, I cried, I screamed, and I giggled.

This is what my whirlwind week consisted off. It had a lot of up and downs. I am sitting here on a Sunday evening trying to close me week the best I can. I am trying not to think of all the things the week ahead consists off. I am trying not to think of the tornado that looks as though it hit the inside of the house. I am trying to rest in peace knowing that my family is taken care of. I am trying not to anticipate the results of the MRI or what the doctor will say about Kinsley's developmental delays tomorrow. I am trying to rest in peace knowing that my Lord and Savior has me covered.

This week has been so busy. MRI, therapy, garage sale. My husband being gone till late every night. Kids, groceries, cleaning, laundry. I have been down right exhausted. I even took the week off from sewing because I knew there was just no time. I knew I needed to get to bed early this past week and just rest. It was a a good choice. I also spent some time just enjoying the kids. Laughing with them, playing with them, and living life with them. Last night we had a chain going. PJ was combing my hair, I was combing Monkey Girl's and she was combing the baby dolls hair. It was so much fun.

We are also in birthday count down mode over here. Our oldest turns 6 at the end of May *on her mommy's birthday also* Who doesn't like a count down chain? I know she loves anything she can count down so I made her one. Partly because then she could count them down and I didn't have to constantly tell her how many days till her birthday. This count down wasn't just any ordinary count down though. I made this one special. On each day of the count down I wrote something I love about OG. Something that makes her special. That she is beautiful, her dancing is amazing, her smile contagious and so many more. She took the first one off tonight before bed. The look on her face when she saw that I had wrote something and then she heard what I wrote was priceless! She even asked if she could keep it some where special. I may make one of these for all of my kids every year! It was worth making to see the smile on her face.

I spent some time with my hubby after the kids went to bed tonight. Talking, relaxing, doing life together. It was awesome just to sit. We didn't have to be running after the kids. We didn't have to be working. We could just enjoy each other. It was much needed after he's been gone so much this past week.

I think resting in bed is the perfect way to end this week. Tomorrow will start another, but it is just that; tomorrow.

Please be in prayer over doctors appointments tomorrow. Please pray that both the little girls are healthy despite Kinsley's delays. Please be in prayer that we get results for the MRI tomorrow and that they are favorable. Please pray that they give us some insight to what is wrong with Kinsley's vision and delays. Please pray that I enjoy my time away from all of the kids tomorrow as I go get my hair cut and colored. I'm going PINK! Please pray that I take the time away to enjoy myself. That I take it as a time of rest, that I take it for me to do something that will make me feel good about me.

Thank you for your continued prayer and support. I can honestly feel your prayers every day. When I think I can not do another moment, that's when I feel one of you pray for our family. Please keep up the amazing power of prayer. 

Long and busy day.

I had the perfect start to our long busy day this morning. I slept in! It was so nice to not get out of bed before 8am. It was delightful and much needed. We had a jam packed day, but it was fun.we started our morning by attending the FIRST Robotics competion right near our house. My husband mentors for the Robotics team of the high school we both attended. He was on this exact team in high school. He loves doing it and now we are a Robotics family. All of our kids enjoy going to watch the robots compete. Our kids have even started asking when they can work to build the robot. After we were done there we came home to get ready for a very important event happening at our house tomorrow. We are celebrating my Monkey Girl's 2nd birthday! To pay tribute to the monkey that she is we are having a monkey party. We will be eating banana shaped Jello, bananas dipped in chocolate and covered in sprinkles, and monkey face cupcakes! And because the weather here in Michigan is so fabulous we are having the party outdoors! We will be grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. I can't believe she will be two. She certainly tried acting twenty. I am dreading her teen years. She is my strong willed, independent, go getter of a child. Her dad and I love her with all of our heart and she is truly a blessing to our family. She keeps me on my toes and will probably turned my hair gray before I turn thirty. Life would not be the same without her. She is a blessing to those she meets.