Pondering

Happily married, 4 perfectly healthy, well-behaved children, stay at home mother. Big beautiful house. Husband with decent money. Going on vacations. Sending my kids to a private school to get their educations. Having a nice car, pool in the backyard, and buying my children all their wants. This is how I envisioned my life when I was 15.

N

As I was siting with my husband tonight I pondered the past and the future. So many events in my life I have tried so hard to be in control of and have ended up far from that. I am very OCD. I like to have every minute of every day planned out. I like to have everything in its place. I like to have a list for everything. In the end I like to be in control, but it isn't as simple as just wanting to be in control. We can all want to be in control, but at some point we have to face the music that someone else will have control.

If we are an employee, the boss has a control. If we are a young child, the parent has control. The government has control of speed limits and much more. A principle has control of it's students. A dog owner has control over his or her dog. Eventually we fall into a category that we need to summit to someone higher up.

Much of my latter years of high school were spent trying to take back the control I felt I lost as a child when my parents divorced. I did many things that were against who everyone knew me as. They went against my character. I ended up married at 18, to someone I should have thought twice about before marrying. I could marry him despite my families disapproval because I could. I "loved" him despite the abuse I under went. I ended up pregnant shortly there after with my first born. I was going to control my relationship. I was going to "fix" my ex husband. I could do all those things. After the abuse got out of control, I left. I then continued to try to control my own life dating whomever I felt was okay. Trying to control who I saw and what I did. I ended up pregnant again. This was not how I was picturing my life. I did not picture being a single mother of two children 18 months apart at the age of 20. I needed to try to stop controlling my life. Instead I just tried to do it more.

Do not get me wrong. I still try to control the things I can such as my list making and scheduling out days, but I have learned through this journey with Kinsley I am not in control.

This life I am in is not how I had envisioned from the start. I have an amazing husband, we are happily married, but marriage is hard work. It takes a give and take relationship. It takes compromise. (something I am not good at) He is my best friend. He is my greatest cheerleader. He is the love of my life and I am truly blessed we have been brought together to spend our lives together.

I have 4 children. While they are all healthy in a sense I never in a million years would have dreamed I would have to deal with a child with disabilities. Although I have a strong heart for those with disabilities I never though I would have to parent a child that had limits in their ability to do life like a normal child. I was then blessed with my oldest who had some Austims tendencies, SPD, along with large motor and speech delays. I did my time. I could now have the rest of my children be healthy and without disability. I had my son and the our second daughter. Awesome healthy children. Growing up to be wonderful people. Then our world was rocked. We were given a child with more complicated disabilities. We were given Butterfly Girl. No vision. Healthy? Yes she is healthy, but it was not what we were expecting.

Right then we learned we were not in control of this life. Our Father up above was in control. He gave us a sweet baby girl with no vision. He knew we could handle it. I will admit there was a stage I went through that I tried to control everything. I tried to get her into the best doctors, the best places. I tried to get her therapy as fast as I could. Truth is, none of my urging made anyhing move any faster. God was in control and he had a list of the way things were going to happen. He had his schedule written out. It is amazing how fast you can realize you are not in control of your own life.

By giving over control to the One who has it in the first place has been very rewarding. Although some days I still wonder why we are on the road of life we are on I just trust. With following His lead in this life has been leading to so many rewarding opportunities for us. I wish I could spill all the beans! I wish I could tell you so much more.

As I sit here a few days before I turn 25, although my life is not how I had envisioned it 10 years ago it is amazing. God is blessing us ten fold. When you listen to your Master you are rewarded greatly. I am so glad he gave us our 4 children. I am so glad that he gave us a supportive group of family and friends. I am so glad that I am finally giving him all control. He does a much better job figuring out my life they I do.