Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Doing my Best.

Every day I strive to do my best. I try to be the best mom, the best wife, the best seamstress, the best everything. I try to make sure my house is spotless, my children are fed the best and most healthy, I try to make sure my husband feels like the best man in the world. This is not possible. I simply can not be the best at everything. I have the right to not be the best at everything right? Today I lost my cool when someone that doesn't know the stress I'm under or the burdens I carry tried to tell me how to fix my problem. I am doing my best. I have four children under the age of six that like to test the waters. They like to change things up. For the past few days the hours between four and eight at night are horrible. It is that time of day that the kids know they are supposed to be picking up, the time of day where I start moving us from daytime mode to dinner and bedtime mode. Ey have been testing the waters, seeing if I really will make them pick up. Seeing what I will do if they don't. It's not a fun thing. Not Bly do my almost six year old and my four year old know better, the defiant terrible twos have kicked in full swing and it's not pretty. This time of day is when Kinsley is also her most fussy. She needs a nap, but won't sleep. She doesn't really want to eat, but tries. All while I need to change modes for our family and gt homwework and dinner done. I so welcome the advice of people that actually care about my family. I love the advice that comes from the heart. Unfrountently this wasn't what I felt I was getting. I not only need to advocate for my daughter, I also need to stick up for myself. I did that. I did it as tastefully as possible. I was angry and sad. I still am, but am slowly coming down. I am off to get some work done. I have less then two weeks to get the girls' Easter dresses done. They are going to bed awesome! I will make sure to post pictures!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Carrying the Burden

Lord, will you please carry this burden I hold. Will you please take it away. I don't want it. I can't handle it.

Child, this is not a burden, but a joy. You must find joy in all things I have given you. You must find joy my child. Joy will bring you through. The burden will lift if you find beauty in the way I have created your life.

This was the conversation God and I had today. Right now I feel like I am carrying life's burdens. Every day, everything feels like a burden. I have felt like Kinsley being blind is a burden. I have felt like my other kids being naughty has been a burden. I have felt like my husband wanting to spend time with me has been a burden. Not to mention laundry, dishes, and everything else I need to do as a wife, mother, and homemaker.

I try to have life in order. I try to make sure everyone gets done what needs to get done. I try to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible. I try to make sure that I do it all. I carry the burden becasue I don't think any one else can do it as well as I can. I carry the burden because I don't feel like someone else wants to help. I carry the burden because thats who I am. If you asked me right this minute to help you move from one end of the house to the other I would. That's who I am. That's how I was raised.

Today the burden finally crushed me. I was in tears. I spent the day fighting for my child. Advocating for what my precious blind baby needs. I spend the day rocking her and getting her to sleep for five minutes just for her to be awake again. I spent the day discipling my two year old who is going through the dreaded terrible twos. I spent the day feeling quilty that my sweet, loving little boy has been neglected in all of this. I feel that way because he is so good. He doesnt complain. He plays so nicely by himself. I spent the late afternoon trying to wrangle in the attitude of my almost 6 year old. My mind was other places as well. I needed to work on my website for the business. I need to sew the girls' Easter dresses. I need to print off some papers. I need to do this and that.

My husband called after he was done with work and I told him everything that happend during the day. He was short with me. He had a meeting to go to. I so just wanted him to stop everything he was doing and listen but he couldn't. It wasnt in his time or plans. After hanging up with him I cried. I couldnt carry this burden any more. So I went to my heavenly father. This is where we had the conversation above.

I have been looking at all of these things as a burden. Im looking at life all wrong. I need to find the joy in all things! I need to find joy in my almost 6 year old throwing her attitude around. It means that she if forming thoughts and opinions. It means she is alive and well. I need to see the joy in a son that is so content to play by himself. I need to find the joy in Kinsley being blind. There is joy in it all! There is JOY I just need to find it.

Does that mean I will be happy all the time? Does that mean that I will never feel like I am carrying this burden all by myself? Does this mean that I will feel like this burden is going to crush me again? I don't think so. I think at different points on this journey all of those things will feel like they will happen again. I won't be happy all the time. I will have my sad days, my sad hours, or moments. I will have those times where I feel like I'm doing it alone. Like I'm the only one carrying the burden. I then need to remind myself that its not the case. God sent a whole community of believers to surround me and my family. I have many a church members that I can call on if I need to. I need to swallow my pride and let others know that I need them.

Carrying the burden is hard, but its not near as hard when you have God. Its even easier to carry the burden when you look for the JOY in all things big and small, easy or hard.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Truth is Hard

Today we had another visit to the eye doctor. Its sad to say that these appointments do not get any easier. The truth we have to endure is hard. It takes a toll emotionally. It pulls at our heart strings. It makes us cry.

Once again today we were told our baby was blind. There has been no change in her vision in the past four weeks. There probably will never be a change in her vision for as long as she lives. This is hard. It hurts. Each time we are reminded that she can not see, especially during this early time, is a slap in the face. Its a constant reminder that our baby girl was not born the way that we had hoped and prayed she would be born.

The truth is not only hard for us as her parents, but hard for others. Its hard for our family to accept the way that she is. Its hard for friends to know how to support us. It is hard for people in our church to know what the appropriate words are to say to us. The truth is hard! The truth quite frankly sucks. It is by far one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. I wish it wasn't so.

I ask all of you, whether you know us personally or are reading our blog from afar. Please, Please, Please think before you speak. Think about how we or others around you who may be going through something similar are feeling before you speak. Please understand that some of the comments that you may make might hurt. They might be that slap in the face that we have been feeling so often lately. So many people just are not sure how to be sensitive to our process of grieve. The truth is hard and more then anything in the world we want our baby girl to see, but its just not going to happen right now. God could still provide us with a miracle. He can restore out baby with sight any time he wants. This is my prayer all the time. Right now his answer is no and that's okay. He is carrying our family through this time.

I am going to continue to lean on God during this time. I am going to keep telling God how I feel. I'm going to let him wrap his arms around me and say "It's okay child, I have got you." I am going to let him be my shoulder to cry on.

Please continue to pray for us. This is a long hard journey where the truth of the situation still hurts. It still cuts a deep pain in our hearts. It still brings tears to my eyes. Please pray that we will continue to make it through this journey. Please pray that the next steps we need to take will go smoothly. We have therapy appointments, MRI, and more coming up. Please just join us in praying over Kinsley.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Husbands

I have to admit something. While my husband and I sometimes disagree he always has my back. He is there for me no matter what. He is truly my number one cheerleader, support, and friend. He is everything I could ask for. Do I get angry with him? Do I get upset by some things he does or doesnt do? Do we have our moments when we disagree? OF COURSE! What married couple doesnt?

For those of you that don't know. I met my husband in highschool. After going our serprate ways our senior year I got married, had my oldest daughter, got divorced, and had my son. After going through a program at our church called Freedom in Christ I was feeling much better about life. I was feeling released from a lot of baggage. I was telling my pastor how I wonder what life would have been like if my husband and I would have stayed together. I wonder what he was doing right then and there. Not that I would give up my children to have a different life. Not that I would give up the experiences I went .through to have a different life. They make me who I am today. I am strong. I am confident. I am independant. Four hours later my husband showed up to where I was living. He asked my mother where he could find me. I was home. It was the most shocking thing I had been through. The first words out of my mouth were I have two children. He didnt run. In fact he came inside and we talked. We have been together ever since. He has been by my side for every rocky ride I have taken. He has been by my side through every joy that I have gone through.

The Lord knew we were meant to be together. I have been especially thankful for him lately. He just has really stepped up the game. He has been so supportive of my business, of my housework, and of my job with the kids. He has been by my side to help. He has been doing one of "my" chores every night when he gets home. Today he vacuumed. He has been helping spray paint the framework of the chairs I am working on for my next craft fair. He has been helping bath the kids. Bathing the kids is almost an every day job now that its nice outside and they spend so much time in the dirt. He puts them to bed while I nurse Kinsley. He has been my helpmate. He truly shows me he cares about each one of us.

He has equally been my support through my depression and my rough time with Kinsley's diagnosis. He is there when I need a shoulder to cry on. He is there to help with the kids when I need a few minutes alone. He is there for whatever comes our way. Without him I am not sure where I would be. He is my love. My best friend. My world.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Monkey Girl turned 2!

Wow! It's amazing how fast these young years go by. I can't believe our monkey is 2! We had quite the monkey party yesterday. It was a great time of fellowship with family and friends. Our monkey got lots of great gifts and she couldnt decide what to play with first. The love and support from our family and friends was evident yesterday. God has given us a gift. God has given us two amazing years and we pray he gives us many more. Two years ago on the day Monkey Girl was born we had snow. Today it was in the 80's and we were all wearing shorts! Crazy how different things can be in two years. Happy birthday baby! May you have many more. Because we celebrated yesterday we didn't do a whole lot today. I started my morning as positive as I could. I got discouraged though after finding out my afternoon wasn't going to go as planed which in turned messed up my morning. I don't do well with change. I dislike what I can not control. I spent the day in town. This I don't normally I unless I have to. Staying in town meant I could not get done what I wanted to get done at home. That is fusterating. I need to get as much done as possible during the day so I have time to work at night. Another reason I was feeling a bit down today was because our Early Intervention meeting didn't go so well on Friday and it's still eating me. Kinsley's eye doctor says one thing, my own observation tells me one thing, and they told me the exact opposite. They said she doesn't need services and to call them back if she needs them later. This makes me fusterared because she needs services now! She doesn't use her feet, she doesn't do tummy time well. She needs help. I need help helping her. It's eating at me today. It's making me sad. It makes me feel lost. It makes me feel helpless. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I got sent this in an email from a friend! How true! I need to remember this often. God will get me through.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Long and busy day.

I had the perfect start to our long busy day this morning. I slept in! It was so nice to not get out of bed before 8am. It was delightful and much needed. We had a jam packed day, but it was fun.we started our morning by attending the FIRST Robotics competion right near our house. My husband mentors for the Robotics team of the high school we both attended. He was on this exact team in high school. He loves doing it and now we are a Robotics family. All of our kids enjoy going to watch the robots compete. Our kids have even started asking when they can work to build the robot. After we were done there we came home to get ready for a very important event happening at our house tomorrow. We are celebrating my Monkey Girl's 2nd birthday! To pay tribute to the monkey that she is we are having a monkey party. We will be eating banana shaped Jello, bananas dipped in chocolate and covered in sprinkles, and monkey face cupcakes! And because the weather here in Michigan is so fabulous we are having the party outdoors! We will be grilling hamburgers and hot dogs. I can't believe she will be two. She certainly tried acting twenty. I am dreading her teen years. She is my strong willed, independent, go getter of a child. Her dad and I love her with all of our heart and she is truly a blessing to our family. She keeps me on my toes and will probably turned my hair gray before I turn thirty. Life would not be the same without her. She is a blessing to those she meets.

Friday, March 16, 2012

To long

Its been way to long since I've blogged last. I've been super busy trying to figure out a schedule that works for our family. I am trying to find a balance between my work, my family, and relaxation. It's quite a task. I think I am finally coming to a good routine. I am feeling better about life when I am in a good groove. I fell off my groove the other day and once I do it throws me off for a few days, this is why I haven't blogged. My depression sometimes gets me down over things I can't figure out. I lost a very important piece to my brand new machine. I couldn't find it and therefore my machine would not work. I was upset and angry at myself for losing this part. This then caused me to over sleep and be pretty mopey all day. That turned into me not sticking to my routine and being more upset the next morning because all of those chores I do at night so I can wake up to a clean house were not done. I got back on top of it th next day, but I can still fell the anxiousness. Part of this anxiousness is because my schedule is off today, tomorrow, and Sunday. Today we had the therapists come out. This was both fusterating and angering. They told me my child could see even though I politely showed them why the doctor said she can't. To get her to track objects they were using beads and other things that make noise. I told them that if they took the noise portion out of the equation that she stopped tracking. Sure enough they saw that, but it wasn't enough for them to be concerned. She still lifts her head and moves for the noise. They also didn't address that her head still is down most of the time or the fact that she doesn't really care to use her legs. I am outraged. Help my baby! Help me help my baby! I really just wanted to cry. I needed to try to pick myself up. I need to try not to let it get to me, but it does. I then went with my husband to FIRST Robotics. They are having a competion on our home turf and because he mentors we wanted to show support. Tomorrow we will be going back to ROBOTICS. I will also be getting ready for my Monkey Girls Birthday Party. We are having a monkey theme. It will be fun, but the day won't be how it normally is. This throws me off. Sundaynis the party which will make the day off. Please pray for peace as we go through the next couple of days and they are not how I normally spend them. Please continue to pray for Kinsley. They are felt. They are needed.

Monday, March 12, 2012

One month ago...

One month ago today we found received the devastating news that our baby girl has no vision. She is blind. I remember the moments like they were yesterday. I remember driving up to the eye doctor. Ever second seemed like it was dragging. I checked in to the front desk with a quiver in my voice. I knew what the day would bring. It was in my gut. I just needed to know. I very anxiously awaited the arrival of my husband. He went into work that morning and met us over at the doctor. I remember the moment we got called back. I could feel the shakes and the tears. I carried my sweet girl to the exam room where the nurse ran another serious of tests. Both with her glasses in and off these tests were run. No change. The nurse wanted to be so hopeful. The nurse said everything with a cheer in her voice, but her cheer was not fooling me. I knew the truth. I knew that our fear her glasses weren't working was becoming a reality before our eyes. Grasping at straws in hopes that there was still something that could be done the nurse asked of she cold have her glasses. She wanted to check to make sure that her prescription was not wrong. When she came back to the room she confirmed that the glasses were the right strength. No change was happening. So we waited. We waited for the doctor to arrive with official word on what would be a lie turning day. We waited and waited. Kelly and I talked about how a doctor might prepare to tell parents that something so life changing is wrong with their child. We talked about how hard it must be for them, how they go about mentally handling something so awful. 45 minutes we waited for the doctor, but the it was time for the truth. The doctor ran the same tests the the nurse ran. Still failing all of them. Then she let us have it. "I'm really sorry to tell you this, but your daughter can't see. Her vision is not there." at this moment I wanted to fall apart. I wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to run away kicking and screaming! Not my baby! Not my baby! She explained that we would be well cared for. There is a community of blind persons that are always supporting each other. It will be an easy path to navigate with this support. We got ready to setup our next appointment. Once in the parking lot I fell into my husbands arms and cried. My baby was blind. My baby was going to live her life with no vision. My friends this is not an easy path! This is not the one I would have chooses. I am still naviagting. I am still trying to find this community of support. I'm still trying to cope. I'm depressed, but working on it. A very, very dear and caring person close to our family brought a boom over today. Overcoming Depression. I'm excited to start reading it. I know with God I can start overcoming this depression I fght. I know with God I can deal with those things life throws at me regarding Kinsley. I know with God Kinsley will be able to live a life full of joy and promise. It will just take different paths then those of my children with sight. Please continue to pray for us. We have made it through a month, but have been told the first 2 years are the toughest. This is when most of the milestones happen and also when the most learning/changing happens. In this time they learn to roll, sit, crawl and walk. All of these milestones will come with challenges. These first two years will be hard. Please keep praying for our family! I can feel the prayers. I can feel the support all of you who read this blog give. Please continue to pray. Danyelle

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Surviving

One month ago today I was up all night tossing and turning. I was awaiting the morning that would change my life forever. One month ago today I was waiting for the dreaded words I ended up receiving. One month ago today I was up all night wrestling with God saying "please make this a dream, please heal my baby. What do I need to do Lord for her to see." It was a long night. I'm not sure I slept much. Here I am one month from then still alive. Still trudging through the waters of Kinsleys diagnosis. Still hanging on to the fact that my Lord and Savior will carry me through. I will tell you this month has not been without struggle. I will tell you this life will not be without struggle. Today my husband made mention that most kids Kinsley's age either get scared of big dogs like ours or laugh and giggle when big dogs likes our come up to them. Kinsley does none of this. I must admit I cried. It's those little things we take for granted. I would be so happy even with the scared cry because it would mean she can see. Alas she can't. She won't. Not unless my heavenly father heals her in our lifetime. If you have young children like Kinsley please don't take for granted those small moments that get your child's attention. Even if it is a cry. Savor it. Hold onto it. It means they can see! It means their eyes are serving their purpose. We took a walk today. We enjoyed the beauty that surrounded us. Kinsley can not enjoy the beauty the same as us. It's hard on this heart of mine. The day has been full of tears. The day has been full of some realizations. The day has been draining. I have been doing some things to keep me from going to far into a depression where I want to sit and do nothing. I have myself on a pretty good schedule. I have created a list of things to do in which I choose five evey day. Of those five et done I can pick some more. This makes me feel like Im getting things done, but also giving me permission to enjoy my kids, my husband, and life in general. I have also been working up a storm. Please pray that I continue on this path that currently has me feeling pretty good. Please pray that the partners I have set up to check in on me for accountability continue to do so. Pray for our marriage to continue to stay strong, pray we keep finding ways to connect as husband and wife and get out if the constant care Kinsley requires. Pray that this new life we are doing will soon become normal. The surprises by what Kinsley can't see will sting less and the joys of what she an do without vision become more! Your prayers are felt every day, and for them my family and I are grateful. Danyelle

Thursday, March 8, 2012

All Good Streaks Come to an End

I was having some really good days. Like I posted yesterday despite taking my depression meds I have been doing a really job being able to pick myself up when things have been thrown in my path. Today was the end of that streak. Today has been another really hard day. I feel as though I have been kicked down by those closet to me. I feel like I have made mistakes that are bad I guess. I'm not really sure. I guess making people I haven't realized I made my mad. I'm mad myself people! I'm struggling to figure all this out myself. I'm bund to slip up. I'm bound to make mistakes. I am human after all. I'm trying. I'm trying to navigate this new world. I'm scared to let people help. If I let people help then they might feel this pain I feel. If people help I don't know how they will handle my very colicky, fussy, whiny baby. She's my burden to carry because I chose to have her. Not that I see her as a burden, but others might if they had to care for her. Kelly and I were the ones that chose to have four children. We should deal with it right? I'm feeling as though today I've not done a single thing right. I have been told today the things I have d. Wrong this past week. It stings. It hurts. I'm down. Im crying. I need to stay strong. I also need grace. I need the Lord to help me. I need him to also show others that I am trying. That it's just hard. Hurt. Sad. Crying. That is how I will finish this day. The good days have had their run. Maye tomorrow they can stop by again. Today they were beaten by sadness. Im to tried to try to be happy any more today. The one good things a out today is I was asked to help some girl scouts on their sewing badge. It makes me feel good that someone thought of me to use my talent sewing to help some girls learn. In all the sadness today there was something good. I'm glad I was asked to help. It makes me feel like I have a talent and that I can help others instead of someone always helping me. Please join us in prayer. I need strength. I need understanding. I need grace. Please pray tomorrow is a happier day. Danyelle

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Highs and lows

I have been having a few pretty good days with the minor kinks thrown in. Despite not taking my depression meds I have been feeling decent. I do have the occasional anxiety attack which brings me down for a while but I have been able to pick back up. I am a little out of sorts tonight. I'm feeling hurt. I'm feeling rushed. I'm feeling behind. My meds would help me not feel anxious. I must get them. I need to try to get the script tomorrow and head over to the free med clinic we have in town. I spent about an hour talking to my in laws tonight. While it was great conversation and nice to get out of the house I am paying the price of anxiety because I haven't completed my tasks that needed to get done as of yet. I stil, have a while of my night left to go. I am feeling hurt by words that were sad. I was told I needed to give up this kick that Kinsley is blind. I was told this by someone close to me. How can I give up this "kick" when the medical professionals we have seen have told us she is blind. How can I give up this "kick" when if I give it up that she may never get the help she needs. How can I give up on the fact that my child IS blind. I need to accept reality. I need to do with what I have been given. Is this what I wanted for m baby? Is this how I planed my life to be? No! It is most certainly not what I wanted, but it was what the Lord h provided me. Hurt, sad, lost. I am starting to get myself back. Realizing I'm a night person and would rather stay up Kate then go to bed esrly is huge! I stil get 7 hours of sleep (interrupted of course), but without getting up way early. I would rather get chores done by staying up later then everyone else in the house then getting up before the kids. I also like that because I stay up and get so much done I can take an afternoon nap with my munchkins. This helps me catch up because of the interruptions I get at night thanks to Miss Kinsley. I am also glad to be sewing again. This is something I really enjoy. I love creating new things, I love making them for others. I love that I can make money off from it which is helping provide for my family! Mix emotions tonight. Please pray. Pray my anxiety attacks will go away. Please pray for Kelly and I to keep our relationship strong. Please pray for all these uncertain things we still don't know about Kinsleys vision. Please pray that we can keep coming to peace with her blindness. Please pray that nothing stands in our way. Danyelle

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

All falling into place

This journey has me on such a roller coaster. I go from the darkest pit to feeling like I can be happy and back again. Over the past few days I have been feeling over all pretty well. There are a few times during the day that I feel lost, dark, and down. I came to this conculsion after talking to a very dear friend. I lost myself. I let myself go so deep into the pit of darkness I gave up all the little techniques I used to keep me going. I used these tools to keep me feeling safe, secure, and on track. I gave them all up because I was so sad. I gave them up because other people thought it was funny that I needed these things to make me happy. I am a very routine, schedule, lists type person. Without these things I feel lost. I feel insecure. People didn't think I needed these things to be happy, but I do. If I didn't have friends to talk to I would have never figured it out. I would have kept on going in my darkness. Now I have a plan. I'm back to my lists and schedules. Want to know what's great? My friends and family are there for me, if Kinsley has a rough day, I get sick, we have lots of appointments or whatever they are there to tell me it'd okay if my lists didnt get done. They are also there to tell me when I have put to much stuff on my list. They are there. It'd amazing to feel like I have support. Kelly tried to test Kinlsey's vision again the other night. We both have hopes that maybe one day we will be shocked and she will be able to see out of no where. This wasn't the case the other night. Still no sign of vision. We really need to stop testing it. We really need to start coming to terms with the fact that this is how it will be. This is our life. Our baby is blind. We need to try not to lose each other, we need to try to make sure our other kids feel like the belong, we need time to ourselves so our whole family can process. It is tough this journey. It is tough. Please continue to pray. Kelly and I are both very stressed from the care Kinsley requires. It sometimes causes problems. See get angry wit each other, with our other kids, and with Kinsley. Pray we continue to take the steps we need to take in seeking help to make it through on this journey. Dany.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

A shining light!

The Lord my God is my light. He is my shining star. I shall lean on him through this dark time. The on,y one who knows the extent of darkness I am feeling on this journey is God. I am trying to hold it together for my husband, my children, my family and my friends. I don't want any one to know what is deep within my heart. The pain is to much for some else to bear. The Lord is the only one capable of bearing my load. He is the only one that will carry my burdens without complaint. I can feel him holding onto me tonight. I can hear him says "Dear child, we can make it, you will survive. I have a plan for you and it goes way beyond what you can imagine." Over the course of the last few days I have had this feeling, this urge, to write a boom. Maybe that is why I blog. Maybe some day my blog will turn into an inspiring story of how you can go from finding out you baby is blind and still come out alive. Maybe my story will be an inspiration to others. Maybe my story will be a hope in a time of darkness. I know what the darkness and grieving for the futur of a child is like. I do it ever day. One of these days I need to get past this grieving. One of these days I need to get through this storm. So many things seem to be causing me to stay in this storm. So many things are hard. I will tell you this. The Lord has surrounded me with blessing though. My mother in law and I are getting closer through this experience. I am thankful for that. The Lord gave be the worlds greatest friend. We will call her Mommy Bean here on the blog. She comes with her son Bean and watches the kids while I work. She is a listening ear when I need to chat. She is a shoulder to cry on, a distraction when I need it, and a hug any time. She has carried me through some of my darkest days without even realizing she has done it. Her and I have been friends since before my Monkey girl and her Bean were even born. Monkey girl and Bean are destined to be married some day. The Lord knew I would need her through this journey. Today is a better day despite after testing Kinsleys sight she still wasnt tracking. I need to start realizing that testing it myself isn't going to produce the results I want. I need to come to terms with the hand I have been dealt. One positive is I got to sell some of my work at a craft show. I was able to spend time with my family. I also got lots of snuggles from the baby before she feel asleep. I need to have more of these days then the bad days. I like these days better. Oh and something else I love, on those days I'm really really struggling, God shows my sister in law a devotional to pass on to me. Seriouly, every time I am struggling with something it is like she just knows. Every time it has spoke right to my heart. It is seriously amazing how God is bringing me closer to the people he knows care about my well being. Today was a good day start to finish. Praying tomorrow can be just as great. Will you being praying with me? Please do pray for our family. Pray for me to start having more good days. Pray that Early on starts coming like they said. Pray that we make it through one day at a time. Dany

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Deep, dark pit

Sorry for not blogging I'm the past few days. I have been busy with life, but also in the darkest pit of my life. I never imagined this journey to have so many tears. I never imagined this journey to be so dark. I never imagined the new senesativity I would have to comments from others. I never knew what it would be like to walk this journey. Life is full of unknowns. Life will never be ther way we picture it. All we can do is stive to make things better. W can strive to act like life is fine. This is the road I've been on. I've been acting like nothing has gotten me down. Like CIA conquer the world. Over the past few days it has bee hard to keep up this facade. This perfect life of no sadness. My day never ends. Al, my days blur together. All my days take every ounce of effort I have. We had Knsley back in the ER tuesday night. All she did was scram for 3+ hours. She wouldn't stop. My husband and I tried everything. Turns our her ear was the culprit of the unconsolable crying. The ear drops help some. I'm never early sure when she is hurting or just crabby because she cries almost every hour. She cries a ton. The past few days I have been working. For those of you that don't know what I do I work for home. I sew many cite things for babies and young children. I've been working to get things done for a mom2mo sale a local church is putting on. I am excited. Working from home is a blessing and a curse. While I have an amazing friend here to watch the kids while I get my work done I can also hear them asking for me. Can hear when they are being naughty and feel bad that my kids are not bring perfect for the one watching them. All of these things I need to do, the fact that I'm still coming to terms with I Kinsleys lose of vision have me at the bottom of life. I am sad. We are without insurance for the next month and I wasnt able to refill my depression meds before it the other insurance ended. I am fighting tooth and nail with the Early Intervention program in our area to test our sweet baby girl the services that she needs. I am also fighting the insurance company to make sure they cover our sweet baby girl once the new insurance kicks in. Add on a house to clean, dishes to do, kids to play with and love, a husband, and much more you can see why I am a mess. I need help, but despite a select few people I barely get the help I need. My husband does what he can when he is home. My best friend comes to watch the kids while I work. And my mom helps, that is the extent. Oh how I wish we could afford a house cleaning service. Oh how I wish I didn't feel guilty about going out on a girls night. I am going to hang onto my faith. I am going to love my God with all my heart. I am going to trust in him. He will be with me even in this dark pit that I am. He is going to carry me to the light. Please keep our family in your prayers. Please keep me in your prayers. Oh and watch for pictures to come tonight of all the cool stuff I will be bringing to the mom2mom sale this weekend. Danyelle